Can You Know That Quickly?

[Windmill]

Hey all,

New to the board and wanted to ask your opinions/experiences.  I've had a lot of problems with severe depression (since 13 now 23) and realized I haven't really acted like myself/been true to myself since I was 13, the time when I last dressed like/accepted feeling like a boy.  Having realized that I just felt like something kind of clicked and just felt right.  In the back of my mind I've ideally always wanted to be a boy/man but pushed it to the back of my mind, now however I dressed to pass as best I can (unfortunately I have a very feminine face) and it was the best I've felt in I don't know how long.  When I looked in the mirror it was the most real smile I've had it years.  Realizing that I really do feel like a male inside feels both like it's been there since I was 13 and also sudden because I've been pushing down those ideas and feelings for so long.  So (sorry for the rediculously long explanation) I was wondering, do you guys feel like it's possible to feel like you know that you are a guy like that, in the light bulb flash kind of way?  Have any of you had a similar experience?

[Cowboi]

My experience was similar I guess. I remember wanting to be a boy or thinking I was one when I was younger. I always did "boy" things and never did "girl" things. Then I hit puberty and just became highly depressed, but with no realization about why. It was just how it was, I was a miserable child with seemingly no reason to be unhappy.

When I was 15 I heard of a female to male transsexual for the first time. I was actually doing research for a GLBT play/event thing they do where I live and just stumbled across someone's personal story. I read it, then found and read another, and another. I ended up just sitting in front of my computer in tears for hours reading and kind of talking with a friend online. She could tell I was down and asked me what was up, and I just told her I thought I was a transsexual. The second I said it everything just clicked for me. I knew as soon as I told someone else that it was true.

Never doubted it since. And it's made a lot of things in my past make more sense.

[vik2ray]

well i knew since i was 5 but that was because i could hang out with boys without it being interpreted with anything sexual behind it. when i hit puberty i was forced into the realisation of my gender and so i started a deep depression. to help me cope i createx an alias at age 13 ray seemed to my name amd so i used it amoung freinds. at that point it got me in trouble. teachers called me a liar for having a male feeind named ray who could be all i couldnt. they got worried that my parents didnt know about him. so i had to admit it was an alias. worst day of my life. up untill i got so depressed i ran away from home at 16 by then my mind was so confused and i was so depressed that i couldnt be me i ended up getting rather violent. and was put on medication and each of the ten therapists i had refused to say anything more than im a girl and i hate feeling powerless becaise men are superior. what total bull. each one made things worse by having my parents being told every word i said. then later at home it was thorwn in my face and i got yelled at for being abnormal. so after a while i gave up asking about becoming a guy because everyone kept saying i was a pretty girl and stupid to think otherwise. i always felt male andthat switch was my first sign that i am not what others see. i knew i was ftm but now that ive begun taking the first steps on my journey. finding a good understanding doctor that i could be myself with was what gave me the huge confidence boost in myself and has broken the depression ive had for 8 years. so that break is what confimed who i am was and will be.

[Lee]

Yeah, your story sounds a lot like mine.  I was fine with a fairly gender-neutral childhood until puberty.  Things kept going downhill, and it took me until last year (I was 23 too) to figure out exactly what the issue was.  I definitely had a "light bulb flash moment" after binding my chest randomly and noticing the "something's wrong" feeling got so much better.  If it makes you happy, it's worth a shot.