sex... im scared

[anibioman]

i have a huge RATIONAL fear of sex. im a teenager in high school and i am really afraid of sex. i could use a bit of advice from older guys. i essentially have genophobia.

-my fear of sex-
what scares me about sex is as follows, im at an age where im a virgin and nearly everyone around me is a virgin too. i feel like i would be a horrible person for taking a girls virginity, and im pretty sure that that comes from me feeling like an incomplete person. if i lose my virginity to someone that isnt a virgin i feel like they would be judging me, and they would know that my dick feels fake and such.

i dont really know what to do about this and i cant really talk about this with any of my school friends. i also dont really want to bring this up with my trans friends as none of them seem to have this fear as they for the most part have healthy sex lives.

so i figured i would post this and see if anyone has the same fears and if anyone can give advice on how i can get over them.  thanks for reading this.

[insideontheoutside]

I don't mean to sound like some old man about it, but if you're just a teenager in high school you really should be waiting to have full on sex until you do feel more comfortable and ready for it. Sex is one of the worst things to try to force if you're nervous or it doesn't feel "right". It's best to just fool around with girlfriends (or boyfriends ... whatever the case may be) that you're comfortable with and build up to doing bigger things. Fears tend to subside with you get more comfortable or confident or gain experience with something. Just don't force it and don't feel like you have to be doing it right now in your life. You got your whole life ahead of you to experience things.

[MaxAloysius]

Man, I am SO nervous when it comes to sex, which actually really surprised me because I'm so open and out there with my sexuality and talking about sex etc. Cis people get nervous and scared about sex, and we have so much more to worry about on top of that, so it's not surprising you'd feel that way.

I agree with insideontheoutside though, if you're not comfortable, don't force it. If you find yourself with a girlfriend/boyfriend then just go with the flow and build up to it, it will be a lot easier to get to that point with someone you know a lot about and feel more comfortable with. My ex knew about my circumstances and how nervous I was when it came to the actual act, and helped talk me through it the first time, and after that it gets so much easier.

So don't rush yourself, just let it happen and try not to worry about it too much.

[Padma]

I agree, take things slowly - and wait until you find someone who's clearly into you as you are, including whatever you're packing with, someone you can be open with about being nervous too, that really helps. Sex is overrated compared to all the other kinds of intimacy, I think, but it's hard to tell how we really feel about it whilst being bombarded from all sides by the big cultural billboard telling us "it's the ultimate, must-have experience!" For me, sex is only really good if it's with someone I'd be happy just spending a whole night kissing - that's my yardstick.

[Silas]

(I'm a high schooler as well, but my two cents.)

Really, sex is a bit overrated. It's way better in stories and such, no idea why, really. It's nice, though, when those involved care about each other emotionally. Although I'm sure not everyone needs the emotional aspect.

If you're not comfortable having sex, then don't. Take relationships slow, and if someone's not willing to be with you because you're not comfortable, then they're not worth your time. You don't have to have sex, there's no law. It's completely normal to be scared.

[Nemo]

I'm gonna be 32 in a few weeks, and you know what? It scares me too. However I have different reasons, and it ties in with what's already been said - the main one being this:

Sex is one of the worst things to try to force if you're nervous or it doesn't feel "right".

Doing that messes you up big time. Trust me on this; if it doesn't feel right, don't do it! You're still a kid, you've got the rest of your life to find someone you feel comfortable enough with to go that far. Don't throw away your virginity; it's something to be treasured and kept for the right person, not tossed away like an old shoe.

Mind you, with us being trans we have a very valid reason to fear sex. Not many people out there will even go for someone like us, and if they do it's more that we're "something different" to them, and will be interested in a part of you that you may well have a deep loathing for.

Also, something to bear in mind regarding the trans issue - if you're not comfortable with your body when it comes to sex, how can you expect to enjoy it when it happens?

[Robert Scott]

I didn't have sex until I was into my 20's .... nothing wrong with waiting.   I was scared ->-bleeped-<-less to have sex in high school and college --- mainly b/c the thought of getting pregnant horrified me and since no protection was 100% I wasn't going to chance it.


Now, that I am a bit older -- okay way older --- I can add that my wife says went my strap on is in and we are in the motion that she can not tell the difference between that and the real one -- I know it's one person's opinion but it gives you hope that your partner will be the same

[Sean]

I agree with what's been said so far - wait til you feel ready and aren't scared.

But I want to add something based on your specific fear of taking someone else's virginity or being a fraud about sex.

While you are in high school, people talk about virginity or being virgins or "losing virginity" as though this is: (1) easily defined by a clear act or set of sexual acts; and (2) significant or important, as opposed to any other time you'll have sex or engage in sexual acts.

The reality is that neither of these things is true. There is no one sexual act that defines losing virginity (which traditionally meant penis in vagina sex). And the truth is, while the first time you engage in any of a number of sex acts can have significance, it doesn't have to, and as you get older, no one will really care what age it happens at & what kind of experience it was (spoiler alert: people are not born "good" at sex, you learn what is good by practice and experience).

So there is no reason to be afraid of 'taking someone's virginity' because you used fingers, a mouth or a strap on - or someone did the same to you. And there is no reason to feel like you are a fraud or a fake becaue of your equipment, because that comes from an inaccurate and outdated concept of what sex even is (seeing as it can have no penises, two penises, etc.).

There *is* reason to feel afraid, uncomfortable or not ready to have sex. Sex as portayed in media - movies, tv, books, etc. - is not accurate. It's not that it is over-rated, it's that you have been flat out lied to about what sex is or is like. It is messy and kinda weird and doesn't have a specific progression of acts you have to follow and it can feel really great and/or be something very intimate to share with another person (or not). It also has a host of risks that come from it too, from the physical (STIs) to the emotional (sex occurs because of and produces chemical reactions in your body that come with feelings you may not be ready for or happy about). Of all the risks, though, the thought that you will ruin someone's virginity losing experience somehow, rates low to non-existant.

[niamh]

From reading your post I feel like you are doing what all teenagers do: making sex out to be much more than it is.

My advice for you is don't do it if you don't feel ready. It's a very personal thing, virginity, and it shouldn't be given away lightly. That said, when you do feel ready and you do have sex for the first time you'll laugh afterwards because it is a massive let-down. For it to be good, you really need experience so it gets better as you get older. Your first time will suck because you will suck. But it will be magically because you'll always remember it if it's with someone you care about and who cares about you.

So my advice is DON'T GET SO STRESSED! 

[AlectheViking]

Hey dude - don't stress yourself out over it! Sex will happen when it happens and like many others have said, don't rush it and if it doesn't feel right then don't do it. Don't let anybody press you into it, etc etc. A person has to earn their way into another's pants, my friend. Also, I would recommend talking to your trans friends about it. I know that if a friend were to come up to me with this same fear, I would love to talk to them about it and help them feel more comfortable with the idea or try to uncover why they are afraid.

Nemo - I absolutely LOVE your profile pic btw made me lol hahahha

[Nemo]

Nemo - I absolutely LOVE your profile pic btw made me lol hahahha

LOL Thanks It's a T shirt design on Zazzle.com - I was after something for Pride this year, although my funds wouldn't stretch to a shirt, no matter how much I was pawing at the screen - so I settled for this instead  

[JamesETrans]

I agree with some of the other people about waiting until you are mentally ready for it, but your also making it out to be more than it is - virginity is a personal thing, hold onto it but don't freak out over sex. Plus, when you finally do get ready for sex & you find someone who accepts you for the young man that you are, focus more on wat you already have to offer before going straight for the dick, she'll appreciate it - trust me

My girlfriend has only been w bio-guys & she says my Dick feels better actually, bc it conforms to her rather than staying in one hard straight-ish shape, so it is more comfortable

[AlectheViking]

LOL Thanks It's a T shirt design on Zazzle.com - I was after something for Pride this year, although my funds wouldn't stretch to a shirt, no matter how much I was pawing at the screen - so I settled for this instead  

I just checked out that site and I'm seriously tempted to pick one of those shirts up! Once I have a few bucks for it of course haha

My girlfriend has only been w bio-guys & she says my Dick feels better actually, bc it conforms to her rather than staying in one hard straight-ish shape, so it is more comfortable

That's comforting to hear! Although I'm not surprised our tools can stand up to the real thing

[Kerberos]

I agree with the consensus. Wait until you're comfortable. There seems to be a lot of pressure put on younger people to be sexually active these days, but why? It should be something that feels right and with the right person, imho.

Take your time and go for it when it's not so scary!

[LilKittyCatZoey]

i feel like i would be a horrible person for taking a girls virginity,

Not to be mean but you might be the only guy i have ever met who thinks like that! haha i think its kind of sweet now your in HS and want sex very normal but!!! are you gonna lower yourself to the level of a stupid dick controlled male or rather try stay a virgin and not fall for peer pressure, but then a again you state most people around you are virgins? so why the big rush?  Simple fact is your kind of young for sex but your just being a boy, so heres a tip DONT HAVE SEX WHILE AT SCHOOL ITS THAT KIND OF SILLYNESS WHICH IS WHY SO MANY MEN GET STD's. trust me a few more years wont kill you and trust me no one will notice your penis is different______THE REASON LIKE BREASTS NO MAN HAS THE SAME PENIS TO ANOTHER SO STOP WORRYING____________ Try rather get A's for HS then have sex





SORRY if my comment is not wanted but its true and simple.
Remember school comes first, contracting a STD comes second
In other words dont have sex just to lose your virginity

[AlectheViking]

In other words dont have sex just to lose your virginity

Brilliant!

I feel like this is kind of what I ended up doing with my first gf. I wanted to try it so badly, and I wanted to lose my virginity, and I was caught up in the raging hormones that is your first relationship. Do I completely regret it? No. I'm very excited that it happened! But, I do wish that I had waited longer than a couple of weeks into the relationship. To be honest, I'm not really sure why. But I think it's because I would have had a clearer picture of the reasons as to why I wanted to start having sex, as opposed to "omg I can have sex with this person because we're dating?!?!?! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"