hi guys, I got very frustrated these days, but since I normally writte poem, lyriec, and novels I deside to decribe my fellings in a short norvel insteed of a long message.. it might be confussing but it wrotte from the bottom of my heart to get out my frustration, and maybe some other people been into same situation;
P.s sorry for all the mistakes
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Invisible
The family trip
I been to a famely trip. It a old tradition to take away from the city for 3 weeks.
Normally I would compare it to relaxing and joy,
but this trip have been so long and strugled me from the star.
Being away from all the fun, all the invitations I could have joined and being With all my friends. Maybe I didn't miss it the other years because I didn't really had any friends back then to hang out With me in the vacation, neither did I go out much. Back then I where just living in my own little world, but now I been lucky, I know the cool place to be, and have lot of friends to inviter me out, it been so nice to be in heaven, and now I turned back to hell..
It not the trip itself but the idea of being With famely for 3 weeks, normally I only live With my mom and I don't see her much since every time im home I lock myself into my room untill dinner are set, and then inside again. It not that I don't love her, but she dosen't know me, neither do they.
I usually go out a lot to get some air and feel free, around in the town with friends or alone I can be myself.. But when I go home at night I dosen't go home, in my mind I say "it time to come back to the cell." im like in a prison, getting punished for something I never did wrong, but I got a cell where noone can hurt me. Still it's a prison cell, im not free, and I don't know where my home is. Usually I think the streets are more of my home than my real home, would that make me homeless?
Even now I don't have the opportunity to go out and come back to my cell,
I have no place to run to and that's the hard fact, that I for 3 weeks straight are forced together with them, and if anything goes wrong then there no escape.
I can survive for the daytime, doing nothing wrong, when they get my pronouncing wrong as they always do I simply ignore it, and when I dress I make sure it neither to feminine or masculine. It got me stayed out of trouble but by the night I cant sleep, I feel scared, claustrofobic, like someone take there hands around my troath, trying to struggle me very slowly, from out to inside..
I cry a lot, and I feel tense.
The last week is hard, im almost there, almost home, just some few day more to survive and then I can be with my friends, go out, watch movies. I will still be in my cell when I get home, but there will only be 1 person to deal with and I wouldn't be together with my mom that much.
It started out badly, with my brother who came, with his friend, there where a lot of candy in the house so I felt like my happyness been on simple pleasures like eating and sleeping. But that wasn't the hardest thing, he came over to me kissed me saying he had missed me so much.
I kept a claim face didn't knew how to response, I locked my fellings down untill the night and then I cried, I love him so much, but he always wanted a little sister. Hes like them, he dosent get it.. Why dosent he love the real me like her?
I cried and cried nights over these things, to keep myself neutral for the mornings. I tried to be friendly, I baked cake, I helped out,
And another side made me just had something to do.
But when the nights come my fellings had been hided for a whole day,
I feel like staying up when there asleep, just taking a breath and relax, not having to worry about anything, is my voice high or deep now? Would they mind if I sing "the only guy in the world" instead of "girl?"
Stupid stupid thoughts who still there without I even notice them.
Some people say my family must be accepting since I both can take homones and chanced my name, but my mom aint stupid, she know I would commit suicide and take drugs if she didn't allow me, she just hope I would chance my mind, or that I could transdition without anyone really would notice.
I have giving up, every time I pick up the topic she say "I accept you"
But if she accept then why are she against every piece of me untill she dosent have a choice? She dosent accept me.. She simple give up, that's her way of accepting, you wouldn't notice if you where a stranger, but when you live with people for so many years you start to learn them inside out, and you can tell what there thinking from just looking. I know her ways,
First she hear the news, then she is against it, she try to scare me telling me bad thing, "you get sick" "it only bad people doing so" "you get in pain" "you will be bullied" everything she can get into her mind and if I still do then she "accept" it but don't want other people to know about it.
I know my moms look hasn't chanced, even when I got out of the closet for 5 years ago, for my dad it where maximum 1 and he get it alittle more than she every would. He even looked up the stuff himself, and instead of denying he say I should think carefully about it.
Its killing me. When she wake me up by morning because I cant sleep any more, she wake me up from a nice dream of ignoring realety, and when she turn of the tv to get me to sleep she simple keep me awake with all my broken fellings for the night.. I work hard, they cant see it but I work hard to look like there image,
I kept my own person hidded as good as possible, still my work dosen't pay me good, im like a slave, I shouldn't sleep that long so the other can take a shower in the morning, while they still have the whole day, and I shouldn't stay up at night because compared to the snoring my computer clicking sound would wake everyone up at once.
even when I stay out of trouble im still the grumpy one but it better than me being happy for real.
I might sound spoiled and I am,
I might want too much,
Too much I cant get,
But I simple wanted to be real, specially for my famlely,
I know it to much to ask, that it unrealistic and I should play fair and think
"they still keep me in there house im so gratefull"
But I cant.. I am a lier, and I don't like it..
I have no choice I have to lie all the time, untill I got money to move away, then I can deny them, be me and they would never see my face again if they don't like it..
I don't know why the biggest peace is my biggest fear
Still only 3 days left
to survive..
