Interesting conversation with my wife

[Tamaki]

Jessica,
Tekla does make a fair statement. I didn't start transition until after telling my ex. Even then it was a rough go as I wouldn't compromise on starting hormones which she wanted me to put off for some unspecified reason and length of time. She was also the first to know. When it does finally come time for you to tell her, she will be embarrassed that all these other people knew before she did and that you are well down the road. There really isn't any way to cushion that blow.

My wife was the first to know when I started addressing my gender issues and I've discussed every step I was going to take before I took it. If I haven't done this and told her what I knew back when we first met I don't think we would have had any chance to stay together at all.

I really think Tekla is right this is going to be a huge bombshell and the fact that she wasn't the first to know is going to make it worse. Waiting isn't going to make it easier.

[JessicaH]

You are both absolutely right and I'm well aware of that as the most likely response.  There are only three people that she knows that know about me and she will NOT know that they knew before she did. I fully expect this to end an already challenged relationship and just thinking about it makes me nauseus.

I have wanted to tell her how I felt for a long time. Most of my life, I thought this was just a part of me that I would just keep hidden and the knowledge of it would pass when I did. I never felt telling her was an option and as things unfolded over the last year, I have felt even less able to tell her.  Knowing that telling her will end in separation and divorce, makes it even harder to tell her. It feels like surrendering to the authorities and giving them all the evidence to hang you. I know it's not fair to her but I just want my family as long as I can have it. Maybe she suspects or even knows and hopes that ignoring it will make it better? Maybe ignorance is bliss right now as long as the house in the suburbs with a husband and two kids illusion is maintained.
I want to tell her and I want to tell her bad. The stress causes panic attacks sometimes but I just haven't been able to muster the strength and courage to tell her. I feel like a coward and a scumbag about it but I don't know that I will be able to confront this any time soon unless I'm forced to.  I very much respect those of you that told your spouses early on and I am rather envious of that. Even though she is a hard person to talk to, I know I owe it to her even if that means the immediate end of everything...

[tekla]

You owe to to yourself to get out a head of all of this and do something about it while you still have some sort of control in dealing with it.

[JessicaH]

You owe to to yourself to get out a head of all of this and do something about it while you still have some sort of control in dealing with it.

You are very right, Tekla. If I wait too long and let things unfold as they will, I will loose what little control I have now and the timing will almost certainly be at it's worst. I could possibly get outed by someone but the most likely scenario would be that I get sloppy and leave something laying around that puts me under suspicion of an affair or something.

I have kept most body hair removed for the  last 20 years so that doesnt draw any attention but the hair on my head must have pit vipers it judging by her reaction to it.  She is constantly ragging on me about it and we have had a couple of nasty fights over it. Hell, we may end up divorced over my hair then  wont have to worry about it...   Sad thing is, it's not that long. Maybe 3" lower than my hairline in the back an the tip of my nose in the front, if I pul it down. I pull it behind my ears but it will cover them about an inch if it's straight down. I think she got too used to me having more of a military cut.

[Randi]

I told my wife around the same time I first started seeing a therapist-she is still in denial thinking that I can be cured. Just this morning she said I was going to the darkside.

We have a long uphill battle before us and our spouses will never get it. When I think I can just be who I am she will say something that infuriates me and the wall goes back up.

So much for mutual respect and just getting along so we can work this out.

I wish you luck in your efforts. It would appear that mine have all been in vain.

Randi

[Melody Maia]

The only thing I can add to this is that every day that goes by, it will get harder and the result will be worse. You aren't buying time so much as mortgaging your future a bit more. Also, what will you say when she asks "who else knows?" It is a natural question and you can expect it to come up at some point. Can you lie to her face and say "no one?" This is going to be tough. You need to find the courage to do it and do it soon.

[Naturally Blonde]

I've never had a wife but maybe some of these wives are jealous or feel threatened in some way that their former husband is able to look better than they do?

[Randi]

I have to admit that is one possibility-mine has good days and bad days wherin it is difficult for me to be in the same room with her. Jessica's situation is a bit different from mine in that she is away from home alot.

Jess-my heart goes out to you and the others who share this situation- I know the depth of your struggle and there are no easy fixes. [big hug]

Randi

[tekla]

are jealous or feel threatened in some way that their former husband is able to look better than they do?

No, I think they view it much closer to several other things:
1.)  You're having an affair with another women, even if that other woman is yourself
2.)  At it's very core, everything she believed about you, and about your relationship was a lie
3.)  Whatever dreams, hopes, and aspirations she held and was working toward about the future are total junk.

All that coming together over the same information is shattering.

[Tamaki]

are jealous or feel threatened in some way that their former husband is able to look better than they do?

No, I think they view it much closer to several other things:
1.)  You're having an affair with another women, even if that other woman is yourself
2.)  At it's very core, everything she believed about you, and about your relationship was a lie
3.)  Whatever dreams, hopes, and aspirations she held and was working toward about the future are total junk.

All that coming together over the same information is shattering.

There's more to it than this. You're asking her to welcome the other woman into her territory and to share her role or have it usurped. Her whole role and position in the relationship is thrown into chaos and that stability of her role/relationship is often where she derives a sense of safety and security.

It's a lot to ask and accept even in the best of circumstances.

[LilKittyCatZoey]

dont forget she married the man of her dreams not the woman so just be gentle

There's more to it than this. You're asking her to welcome the other woman into her territory and to share her role or have it usurped. Her whole role and position in the relationship is thrown into chaos and that stability of her role/relationship is often where she derives a sense of safety and security.

It's a lot to ask and accept even in the best of circumstances.

good point i mean i thought how would i react to this and your wife seems perfectly normal. Hannah does pose a very strong point because YOU ARE NOW TREADING ON HER MOM/WIFE TURF and that will cause her to be protective so just be careful

don't rush or wait to long.

[Tamaki]

Her prince charming is really a princess and disney hasn't made a movie about that yet.

[JessicaH]

are jealous or feel threatened in some way that their former husband is able to look better than they do?

No, I think they view it much closer to several other things:
1.)  You're having an affair with another women, even if that other woman is yourself
2.)  At it's very core, everything she believed about you, and about your relationship was a lie
3.)  Whatever dreams, hopes, and aspirations she held and was working toward about the future are total junk.

All that coming together over the same information is shattering.

I feel much better about telling her now. Maybe I will do it today... lol (sarcasm).  No, those are the exact points I have had in my mind and precisely why I have been so reluctant to tell her. I'm wondering if the best move would be to just end the marriage and say I just dont feel anything for her anymore then transition afterward. That is sounding more and more like the best way to go.

[JessicaH]

Her prince charming is really a princess and disney hasn't made a movie about that yet.

Maybe I should get together with Melody Mia about that? I guess her prince got kissed by a trans-toad.

[cynthialee]

I lived with a woman a number of years ago who was perfectly fine with me cross dressing on occasion then she saw me dressed. She screamed at me how she hated me because I looked better than she did in her dress.

So I do think sometimes the issue can be about jealousy.

[AbraCadabra]

Hi Cynthia,
what you bring up has some basis to what I have seen/learned too.
I'd started a thread a while ago "GG vs TG jealousy". I say: Do not underestimate that!

Girls (all of us) are much prone to attacks of jealousy and may quickly view another female as a rival.

It takes some learning we have to acquire when moving into femme territory.
Growing up GGs will know ALL about it --- yet, NEVER ever want to admit to it.
We girls are NOT fond of serious competition --- with TGs a bit more forgiving then GGs in my experience.

So we have to learn the tricks of the trade to defuse these situation, e.g. handing out lots and lots of compliments, and all the loving kiss, kiss bits, um. Like swamp the rival (dragon) with charm and kindness :-)

Axelle

[LilKittyCatZoey]

Her prince charming is really a princess and disney hasn't made a movie about that yet.

haha true but we would pretty amazing princesses and jessica you do make one!!!

[hilah.hayley]

I'm sorry Jessica, but are you already on HRT?

[JessicaH]

I'm sorry Jessica, but are you already on HRT?

Yes. Almost 8 months now as of the end of this month.

[cynthialee]

8 months on HRT....
and she hasn't noticed the change in smell, sex drive or the softening of apearance!!??!