I realize I forgot about this thread for a bit, though obviously, I haven't forgotten the events which prompted it.
Firstly, I know it's not the T that made me an ->-bleeped-<-. However, I do think that the assertiveness I gained on T enabled me to unconsciously become an ass, thinking I was simply being assertive. What it truly comes down to, though, is that I let myself begin to act without thinking, and made it a pattern of action.
Instead of lowering my T dose or stopping, I've gone off Prozac. This may seem like a rash decision, considering I was taking it for bipolar type 2, but in the 2 to 2 1/2 weeks since I stopped taking it, I've been able to experience all the emotions I used to. I thought for a long time it was T that kept me from being able to cry, but it was the Prozac. I haven't had a depressive or hypomanic episode since I stopped the Prozac, but I'm keeping a watchful eye on things. All I know is being without it makes me able to feel again, and I won't give that up unless it proves detrimental.
Since my first post, I've left my parents' toxic abode (they have never accepted me as trans, and make a point of it to tell me daily how wrong I am) and moved a state south to New Mexico. I'm currently crashing with a girl I went to college with 10 years ago--- we were never friends then, but it's funny how things change, because we get along swimmingly now. She is gay and has a girlfriend, so there's no conflict of romantic interest, and she's a big glbt advocate, particularly of transfolk. She even got me a job at the cafe where she works, so I'm finally working my first job as a cook (which I've been dying to do forever, but haven't been given the chance to)! About half the staff there is trans, so it's a welcome change, working with people who know what I'm going through.
As far as the love of my life, she's in Colorado, trying to work things out for herself. We talk multiple times a day, and even had a beautiful couple days together before I left for NM. As of August 15 I will be beginning large-scale efforts to get her back, but right now, neither of us can talk without saying "I love you" to the other, which I see as a good sign.
I have come so incredibly far in only 11 days... I can't wait to see what the next weeks, months, and years will bring. And all I had to do was wake up to the fact that I was making myself miserable, and trying to take everyone else down with me. I stopped worrying, and the world started working. And I reached out, which is something I never would have done before. I was too proud to think I could ever need anyone's help... but we all need help.
Thanks, everyone, for your kind replies and advice.
