It's been three years, give or take a few months, since I started testosterone therapy, and five years since going full-time. In that time, I have become someone I don't even recognize.

Here's the funny part: I didn't even know it.

Two days ago, which was also two days after my birthday, the love of my life broke off our engagement. She said she loves me more than anything, but I keep hurting her. I'm lazy, I protest when asked to do simple things, I'm domineering, and I talk to her like she's the scum of the earth.

Here I was thinking everything was great....

And then I watched Becoming Chaz. Honestly, anyone, ftm or mtf or androgyne or what have you, should see this film. However, for a transguy transitioning in a long-term relationship, it's vital. I saw myself in him. He started out with a beautiful, intelligent female partner who worshiped the ground he walks on, and nearly threw the entire 5-year relationship away because his newfound assertiveness on T caused him to underestimate how aggressive, insulting, selfish, and hurtful he was being. I saw a near mirror image... and realized that every time I've fought for ground, when I thought I was being disrespected, I've been in the wrong, and while on the inside I've felt as if I was merely, kindly asserting myself, my exterior projected a grown man having a temper tantrum.

So, what I am doing is not who I am. Or is it? She broke up with me, and I said I was going to end my life. I then turned and sprinted four blocks down a busy city street in my socks before calling my mother, who will never accept me as a man, to tell her I was sorry I killed her daughter. She called the police.

I spent about 4 hours in the emergency room of the local hospital on a psych hold.

I need my baby back, and I feel like I can't breathe. Even worse than that, however, is the feeling that I may never know how to be myself again.

Help... please.

Quote from: Sebastien on July 17, 2011, 04:24:36 PM
who will never accept me as a man, to tell her I was sorry I killed her daughter. She called the police.

I spent about 4 hours in the emergency room of the local hospital on a psych hold.

I need my baby back, and I feel like I can't breathe. Even worse than that, however, is the feeling that I may never know how to be myself again.

Help... please.

please tell me that was a metaphor meaning you.... and not a Casey Anthony situation.....

Um... my fiancee. Ex-fiancee. Whatever. Meant by "baby." Funny, though.

Yeah, Sebastian, that is a tough one.
It's hard to say if you figured this one out too late or if there really is a chance that you can change.

Despite good intentions, most people are not capable of real and permanent change.

I think that this is a good object lesson for everyone to do a bit of soul-searching if they are being selfish.

True, most people aren't capable of changing. Most people, as well, aren't capable of owning up to their own mistakes. I figure, if I could handle transitioning with no support from family or most friends, I can handle this.

Thanks for posting, Renate; I thought nobody bothered to read my posts anymore.

A little off the topic ... but I totally want to watch it but have no idea where to see it

Sebastien I truly hope things start getting better for you *hug* I've found the same issue with myself lately but instead of pushing away a significant other I am pushing away friends and family. It's funny you use Chaz as a reference because when my youth group had us watch it that was one of the first things I noticed about him and then noticed it about myself.

I hope you both can work things out in some way. Best of luck man

Hey, I'm not on HRT but I know how you feel, at least to an extent.
Over the past 3-4 years, I've become a pretty...awful person. At times, at least. I used to be the kind of person who'd give anything to anyone. I got stabbed in the back too much, ended up alcoholic and suicidal for about 2 years, and in that little downward dip I finally realized/accepted/admitted that I was trans. I started taking it out on everyone. My girlfriend, at that point of about 5 years, was horrified. I did some awful things. I called my best friend, in front of my girlfriend, told him I loved him and threw my phone into a snowbank, right before trying to run in front of a Mac truck. Julie grabbed me and dragged me out of the road, but she was still traumatized. Things like that happened, a lot.
She started taking it back out on me, and we finally just said "This has to end". We broke up for 3 months, and in that time I came out with dating my best friend.

When she found out we'd been screwing, she went bat->-bleeped-<-. Didn't talk to me for about a week. When we finally talked again, it was long, and it was painful, but we figured so much ->-bleeped-<- out. It took a while, but we got back together. I've calmed down, I'm nowhere near as violent as I was, and she's actually getting really accepting about 'sharing me'.

Things might work out. It sounds like bull->-bleeped-<-, and it seems like it sometimes, but seriously...I've been through hell, and I've put my loved ones through hell, and if I can manage to not be excommunicated due to it, I'm sure something can work out for you.

If you ever want to vent, or anything, PM me. I don't mind. I hope my post didn't come off as douchey, I really didn't intend on it.

Sabestian.

The first thing you need to do is reduce your testerone. Not by much. You really need to speak to your Dr about this. Don't even think of trying this without consulting him.

You say your x says she still loves you. So, that's a start. You will find the improvements when you reduce the T will come within a few days, Get busy. Get the house sorted out. Tidy yourself up and make an impression.

Then, contact her for dinner.

Quote from: Sebastien on July 17, 2011, 04:24:36 PM
He started out with a beautiful, intelligent female partner who worshiped the ground he walks on, and nearly threw the entire 5-year relationship away because his newfound assertiveness on T caused him to underestimate how aggressive, insulting, selfish, and hurtful he was being.

Are you sure it is the T? It seems like an easy thing to blame. It could just be that you became so much more comfortable with your girlfriend that you started taking it for granted. Everyone wants their relationship to seem fresh and new all the time but in reality it doesn't work like that. Why do you think with long-termed married couples, one will be downstairs on a computer while the other one is upstairs watching sitcoms and you rarely see them kiss at all. I went through the same thing with my girlfriend and she thought it was from the T since when I'm frustrated with a male voice it sounds more frightening than my previous female voice. I could say the same thing but because of T it just comes across as more aggressive when I'm not. But it's not really T because I am still the same person, it is the same sentence.

All relationships have road bumps, just think about how many cismen get dumped because of the exact same thing you just said except starting hormones during the realtionship they had it all along, and still started out being genuine, loving, romantic, etc then turn aggressive, selfish whatever.

The one thing ive heard from my twenties (a long time ago) is that T makes you more aggressive assertive and competitive. Now when i talk to my girlfriend i sometimes find myself cringing at the tone of voice im using and wonder if its just me or if its the T. Then i wonder how will i even know whats causing it. So i figure i have to take final responsibility and grovel and apologise and thank my lucky stars that my other half is fairly easy going

You can't separate "you" and T, it is just a part of you
It is essence of male existence

I realize I forgot about this thread for a bit, though obviously, I haven't forgotten the events which prompted it.

Firstly, I know it's not the T that made me an ->-bleeped-<-. However, I do think that the assertiveness I gained on T enabled me to unconsciously become an ass, thinking I was simply being assertive. What it truly comes down to, though, is that I let myself begin to act without thinking, and made it a pattern of action.

Instead of lowering my T dose or stopping, I've gone off Prozac. This may seem like a rash decision, considering I was taking it for bipolar type 2, but in the 2 to 2 1/2 weeks since I stopped taking it, I've been able to experience all the emotions I used to. I thought for a long time it was T that kept me from being able to cry, but it was the Prozac. I haven't had a depressive or hypomanic episode since I stopped the Prozac, but I'm keeping a watchful eye on things. All I know is being without it makes me able to feel again, and I won't give that up unless it proves detrimental.

Since my first post, I've left my parents' toxic abode (they have never accepted me as trans, and make a point of it to tell me daily how wrong I am) and moved a state south to New Mexico. I'm currently crashing with a girl I went to college with 10 years ago--- we were never friends then, but it's funny how things change, because we get along swimmingly now. She is gay and has a girlfriend, so there's no conflict of romantic interest, and she's a big glbt advocate, particularly of transfolk. She even got me a job at the cafe where she works, so I'm finally working my first job as a cook (which I've been dying to do forever, but haven't been given the chance to)! About half the staff there is trans, so it's a welcome change, working with people who know what I'm going through.

As far as the love of my life, she's in Colorado, trying to work things out for herself. We talk multiple times a day, and even had a beautiful couple days together before I left for NM. As of August 15 I will be beginning large-scale efforts to get her back, but right now, neither of us can talk without saying "I love you" to the other, which I see as a good sign.

I have come so incredibly far in only 11 days... I can't wait to see what the next weeks, months, and years will bring. And all I had to do was wake up to the fact that I was making myself miserable, and trying to take everyone else down with me. I stopped worrying, and the world started working. And I reached out, which is something I never would have done before. I was too proud to think I could ever need anyone's help... but we all need help.

Thanks, everyone, for your kind replies and advice.

Luc it looks like things are finally looking up for you and i hope that continues. When i first came to this forum a couple of years ago sometimes it was reading your posts that kept me going and i hope now that the people at Susans can now do that for you. Enjoy your life be careful with your meds and i really really hope things work out between you and your fiancee