Hey everyone, I guess since I'm new here I should start by introducing myself, my name is Rachel I'm 25 years old and I've been on HRT for 7 months now, but this isn't my first attempt at transition. I first came out to my family when I was 19 & eventually sought out a gender therapist, I don't have to tell you how WONDERFUL it felt to finally be able to express my true-self and after a few months I started on hormones. A year went by and slowly I started to sink into a a deep depression, my family, one by one began to turn their backs on me. All of my childhood friends once they had heard the news or seen me in public also walked out of my life, I was going throu the roughest part of my transition and when it seemed my problems couldn't get any worse I was "let go" from my job. When I lost my job I also lost my insurance which paid for all my hormones and doc/therapist bills, at this point I felt very suicidal.
My grandmother, who I had been living with & was my one and only support throu it all just up and decided that she could not accept this (me being a trans-girl) and would not help me by paying for my hormones (she did for 1 month
). I began looking for another job but sadly no luck, My family especially my mother and grandmother demoralised me so much with lil things like " your too tall to be a girl" or "your to old to do this" and "I don't know why you're doing this...you will never be a natural girl" that last comment is what finally broke me because I didn't feel like a trans girl, inside I felt like a genetic female & I knew no matter how long I was on HRT and no matter how many surgery's I had I would never be a natural woman and this along with financial woe's I decided to begin my detransition back to something i truely hated.
I cant begin to tell you how utterly painful detransition is, all i can say is it's like your soul being imprisoned with only a tiny window to look out of. For the first year after I did nothing but feel sorry for myself and crawled deeper into my shell, I tried to commite suicide several times but never went throu with it. Finally I decided i had to "try" to be a man and get on with my life, I thought maybe I could shoulder the burden and started drinking and doing drugs to "forget" who I was, this went on for a few years and needless to say I was miserable. On my 25th birthday I came out to one of my friends and with her support began to reclaim my life as the real me. I'm on my own now far far away from that redneck homophobic town i lived in and even further away from my so called loving caring family, which is good lol.
Recently I've been having trouble accepting what happened to me, the regret I feel about is starting to sink in & I keep beating my self up over what happend. I cant forgive my family for standing in the way of my happiness & I cant seem to forgive myself for being so weak and caving in like that, I keep thinking about all the time I could have spent living as a young woman and how I wouldn't be dealing with all this now at my age. Even thou i made the decision to stop I feel like my life was taken from me, for the past 2 weeks now I've been crying myself to sleep & I'm SO tired of crying. Sometimes when I think about what happend my insides hurt like my soul is screaming & crying for what I've put myself throu. I don't and never have had a problem passing as female which I should be thankful for & I know this makes me sound vain but I think about how much prettier I would look now if I didn't stop my transition.
My therapist thought it would be good to talk to other tg girls & guys about this, and WOW I'm sorry I just realized how long post got xD So umm if anybody out there has any advice, and anyone who has had to detransition then retransition again later in life how did to coup with this?
