Hey everyone, I guess since I'm new here I should start by introducing myself, my name is Rachel I'm 25 years old and I've been on HRT for 7 months now, but this isn't my first attempt at transition. I first came out to my family when I was 19 & eventually sought out a gender therapist, I don't have to tell you how WONDERFUL it felt to finally be able to express my true-self and after a few months I started on hormones. A year went by and slowly I started to sink into a a deep depression, my family, one by one began to turn their backs on me. All of my childhood friends once they had heard the news or seen me in public also walked out of my life, I was going throu the roughest part of my transition and when it seemed my problems couldn't get any worse I was "let go" from my job. When I lost my job I also lost my insurance which paid for all my hormones and doc/therapist bills, at this point I felt very suicidal.


       My grandmother, who I had been living with & was my one and only support throu it all just up and decided that she could not accept this (me being a trans-girl) and would not help me by paying for my hormones (she did for 1 month  ). I began looking for another job but sadly no luck, My family especially my mother and grandmother demoralised me so much with lil things like " your too tall to be a girl" or "your to old to do this" and "I don't know why you're doing this...you will never be a natural girl" that last comment is what finally broke me because I didn't feel like a trans girl, inside I felt like a genetic female & I knew no matter how long I was on HRT and no matter how many surgery's I had I would never be a natural woman and this along with financial woe's I decided to begin my detransition back to something i truely hated.

     
    I cant begin to tell you how utterly painful detransition is, all i can say is it's like your soul being imprisoned with only a tiny window to look out of.  For the first year after I did nothing but feel sorry for myself and crawled deeper into my shell, I tried to commite suicide several times but never went throu with it. Finally I decided i had to "try" to be a man and get on with my life, I thought maybe I could shoulder the burden and started drinking and doing drugs to "forget" who I was, this went on for a few years and needless to say I was miserable. On my 25th birthday I came out to one of my friends and with her support began to reclaim my life as the real me. I'm on my own now far far away from that redneck homophobic  town i lived in and even further away from my so called loving caring family, which is good lol.

 
      Recently I've been having trouble accepting what happened to me, the regret I feel about  is starting to sink in & I keep beating my self up over what happend. I cant forgive my family for standing in the way of my happiness & I cant seem to forgive myself for being so weak and caving in like that, I keep thinking about all the time I could have spent living as a young woman and how I wouldn't be dealing with all this now at my age. Even thou i made the decision to stop I feel like my life was taken from me, for the past 2 weeks now I've been crying myself to sleep & I'm SO tired of crying. Sometimes when I think about what happend my insides hurt like my soul is screaming & crying for what I've put myself throu. I don't and never have had a problem passing as female which I should be thankful for & I know this makes me sound vain but I think about how much prettier I would look now if I didn't stop my transition.


      My therapist thought it would be good to talk to other tg girls & guys about this, and WOW I'm sorry I just realized how long post got xD So umm if anybody out there has any advice, and anyone who has had to detransition then retransition again later in life how did to coup with this?       

               

i understand what you've been through, detransition is the worst type of torture i could have gone through.

i tried to cope with alcohol but it did not work, then i tried to slit my arm twice, then i knew there was no escape from transition.

i think every trans person one point or other regret not starting earlier, but i try to focus on my day to day life instead.

There are ALOT of tall girls out there.  Some of the teens are taller then me by 2-3 or more inches and I'm 5'-10".  Transition is a hard time as your sort of stuck in the middle.  Honey you are female inside, and sorry to say that feeling never really goes away.  As far as being too old, HA  I was 50 when I started, though I wanted to transition when I was 13.  Oh and I use to look very guy. 

It does get easier after a while.

Hugs

Beni

   Awe thanks girls that means alot to me <3  I know dwelling on this is not good for my well being it's just really hard to let go of the past. Yeah beni I HATE being tall im 5'9 & im the only one in my family that is tall, my dad is 5'6 and nobody in my family is over 5'8....GRRR 

Check out www.tallwomen.org

As for the detransition blues, I've been there myself.  Actually I think there's a couple people here that have gone back and forth for one reason or another.  Its not as rare as you might have thought.  Know that we're here for you.

     Thank you regan, it's good to know that there are other transwomen on here that know what i've been throu, but at the sametime it saddens me deeply that they also had to go throu it. I dont really think detransition is rare but I do think there is a stigma about it to most of the tg community. Alot of tg people think it's more of a choice to detransition but to be honest most people that do go down this road don't have a choice, it's either detransition or live in a cardboard box next to the local goodwill. I guess my point being financial problems are the main reason for this, but there also those who transition and dont find it to their liking and thus decide to go back to their birth gender and I totally respect that. I really envy those people who have family and friends that stand by them throu it all, but for some of us it does not work out that way.



        Personally I didn't have a choice, I had no income, no support from anyone family or friends, and my loving caring family threatend to kick me out on the street, I dont think it gets any worse then that but im sure others have stories. For the longest time I tried to tell myself that I could have figured something out but now looking back on it realistically it was not possible. For me to transition successfully I needed to be ok financially again and far away from my family which i've done YAY! 


     

     Rachel I know what you're going through, I also had to detransition for a while to "get things together" dont beat yourself up over this. Yeah your right there is a "stigma" about detransition to the transgender community, from what i've seen most transgender folks tend to look down at people that detransition like they're not really trans if they stop transition for awhile, they say things like "i'd rather kill myself then do that" but saying you'll commit suicide is not the same as actually doing it believe me when I stopped transitioning I tried several times but failed 


        I've been lurking around this site for sometime and to be perfectly honest alot of people here seem to be kinda stuck up and rude especially to transgender girls that have destranstioned and that is sad, but who cares what they think you're no less a transwoman then them just because you got handed the ->-bleeped-<- end of the stick. You can finally be yourself now so have fun girl it does get better!!   

  Edit: if you need someone to talk to message me

     Thanks glossy but nobody has been rude to me yet, althou I do feel people kind of give other people the cold shoulder on here but it's no big deal lol.   



   

We develop a very narrow view of what does and doesn't qualify as transition.  Getting an education so you can get a better job (or even get a job), etc so that you can afford to transition should be in the "qualifies" column as should alot of other things, but we insist on reserving that for hormones, therapy, etc and we shouldn't.