I wish I had your courage...

[Karlee]

I want nothing more, right now, to be a girl. I just can't take those first few steps. I'm so scared! 

I feel like a failure.
I feel like I am letting everyone down.
I feel like I am just kidding myself!

Who is going to love me? I have had a rush of so many emotions and it is so hard. I look at all the girls and get insanely jealous of them. They have no idea how lucky they are, even if they hate it! They take it for granted, when people like me are struggling.

Not a day goes by without me being jealous of not being a girl, and yet, I can't accept myself for who I am.
Things are so hard and I don't want to complain, because that is not my nature, but I have to get it all off my chest.
You are all amazing for even reading this, and I thank you so much for taking the time to read through this.

On a side note, I'm all alone tonight, so it's time for me to be myself. Ahh, it feels so good.

Love,
Dizzy.x

[Hikari]

I felt just like this at one point. I can't really send strength over the internet, but all I can say, is that once you accept yourself and start to love yourself you can start to see how other could love you, and then your confidence will grow.

It won't happen overnight, but hang in there, it gets better.

[Neko]

The first step is always the hardest...try not to think of things in terms of taking little baby steps. They're not quite so scary on their own and they soon add up.

[pebbles]

That first one is by far the hardest.

Trust me I know but honestly if you do have gender dysphora it's never going to go away if you don't fight nothing will change where you are now will be your life. 5, 10, 20 years from now and if then you to transition you will have a much harder time with it... You will be kicking yourself for not going sooner, the days your living now seem almost unimaginable in retrospect, but they will be all you have.

If I could I would go back to my 11 year old self and tell them this but I can't... I can only tell you this.

[Marta]

hi, i might not be going through the same things you are and i might never feel the way that you do but i have gone through the challenge of not accepting myself for who i am. It might not be for the same reasons you cite but trust me ive been through that struggle. I really think that you should go ahead and change into the person you want to be- sooner is always better than later no matter how old you are. My aunt is transgendered and i know about that worry of not being accepted and letting others down but you have to be happy too. You will regret not changing yourself for the sake of others because they will be there living the life they want and you will be unhappy just to make them happy. Then again you will never know how things will be until you give it a shot

[Julie Marie]

Do what I did, tell a few people and eventually everyone will know.  Then you can either deny it (no one will believe you) or just live your life as you. 

It doesn't take any courage to run out of a burning building, even if you end up in a freezing river.

[SiobhanB]

Dizzy,

Your words could have been written by me word for word just one year ago.  I got myself into such a state inside my own head that I literally couldn't think of ANYTHING else but being a girl.  I would look at attractive girls and the feelings of envy were so intense that they would literally weigh down on my mind.

I've always been a "head in the sand" type person, so when I made that first call to my gender therapist it was like "I can't believe I'm doing this".  Since then every little step I've taken has been exactly the same, completely terrifying, but manageable as a small step in a larger process.  Now I'm out 100% with my family, friends and work colleagues and three months on HRT.  I don't look anywhere near how I want to look, so the dysphoria doesn't go away (far from it) but now I have good days and bad as opposed to just downright awful.

Your first step should be to talk to a gender therapist, they will know what you're going through and will guide you through step by step.  That's completely private and no-where near as scary as you will at first think.

If you let us know roughly where you are in the world, maybe someone here can help you find someone to talk to.

Either way keep us posted, and come and chat whenever you're feeling down.

Siobhan.

[mechakitty]

It took me a long time and many false starts before I was able to finally say, "Hey, I can't go on like this. Something needs to change. I need to change." I would constantly change my environment, the people I was with, and what I was doing in life in general without ever looking inward and saying, "I can't evolve in life without finally sitting down, admitting I have gender dysphoria, and begin transitioning--'cause only then will everything external begin to improve, once I have that solid foundation of actually liking the person that I am."

Tell a few close friends, or a close sibling. Have them go with you to a transgender support group. That's how it went for me. I was so nervous...so scared...going to that group for the very first time. I felt so ridiculously awkward, and I tripped up on my words and stuttered, and I tend to be pretty resourceful with language, for the most part. By the end of the meeting, I found it absolutely empowering. I couldn't wait until next week's meeting.

You need a support system of people you trust who are supportive of your trans-feelings. Once you build this foundation, everything else will begin to fall into place. You will make it happen, and you will feel empowered, courageous, and strong like you wouldn't believe. 

Keep in touch, eh?

[Cindy]

Hi Karlee,

Hugs Hon. It does get better.

So, where are we up to? Are you dressing at home and can't go further because of relationships? You don't know how to start to express your feminine side? You live PT female but can't take the next step?

Come on girl give us the info and your sisters are ready to help.

And guess what, we have ALL been there

Cindy

[mechakitty]

And guess what, we have ALL been there

Amen! 

[regan]

I think our biggest obstacle is ourselves.  I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else  We look at ourselves in the mirror and say I'm too tall to be a woman, do you think De Fen Yao (7ft 9in) wakes up and thinks the same thing?  How about "I'm too heavy...",  did Emme Aronson (full figure model/pioneer) ever think that?

Reality is, many of the same reasons we think we'll never make it as a woman are the same reasons that cis-women live with every day and never stop to think maybe they can't cut it as a woman.

[Sabriel Facrin]

That has been the constant villain throughout much of before transition.  Come to think of it, I think it's gone away now that I started, and I think closer to along the lines of securing my transition than doubting that I should do it, even though I just started six days ago... Oo;
I'll have to note that...
---err, anyway!

All too frequently, especially that third line about kidding myself had echoed through my mind...that kind of thinking drives you crazy.  I'm almost sure that every last one of us have our strength, because we developed from having the same lack of strength as you're enduring. D: You just have to realize...that you're doing what you're doing.
I find that I 'embraced' through accepting that I am a fool kidding myself, but that my experiences have happened, and it's clear where my drive lies.  It is not feral pride to lie down foreign to yourself, so, even if this is metaphorically running into a brick wall, all that needs to be done is to make bets on how many bricks I'll end up knocking out of place!  Just, don't deny yourself because you might fail.  Do what you can to raise the chances that things will work well, and charge head-strong, as it's your calling. ^^

[Janet_Girl]

I know how hard beginning can be, but I can only quote this ...

It does not take bravery to transition.  It takes fear.  The fear of spending one more day in the wrong gender.

[heatherrose]

The devil you know is better than the one you don't,
untill you find out the one you don't know isn't a devil after all
and you don't have to take the beatings anymore.   

It does get better.....And guess what, we have ALL been there

[japple]

You already took steps.  You posted to a message board.  You expressed yourself. That took courage.

Tiny tiny steps is how it works.  Go to a secret therapist, tell a stranger.  Years pass by and you find yourself with courage.  It's not a thing you wake up with.   After you take a step it starts to feel like not such a big deal.

Taking little steps will make you feel healthier and better about yourself.  Transition isn't black and white.  Maybe you're not transitioning to live full time as a woman, maybe you are just transitioning to be able to have a few friends understand you fully.  Maybe you'll be more creative because you are more able to express yourself.   Even 5% is better than 0%.

[Francis Ann Burgett]

Karlee, I'm unsure of your age however I guess you are young. If within your heart you are a girl/woman that the steps forward to become yourself. Love yourself first, take care of yourself first. It's OK/normal to share, open up, cry, doubt yourself, etc. It's all part of being & changing into a beautiful caring confident woman.

I knew I was a girl very eary in life, almost as long as I can remember. Now I'm in my mid 50's & finally just now changing my body over to normal. I missed so much of life & love in all those lost years. Please do not also miss most of your life. Enjoy your life as the person your hearts tell you to be. Ignore any & all others that do not understand, it's not their life, it's yours.

We all care for you new girlfirend & feel your growing pains.

Francis 

[Karlee]

Thank you so much to all of your posts.

As it stands, I am 19 year old, and have know something was 'up' for at least the past 3 years, but I couldn't put my finger on it. :/

I have progressed from dressing at home, to go out in public from time to time (secretly). It feels great!

I don't know what my goal is. I know I want to come out to those around me soon and really want to see a therapist once I have the money.

I think my biggest flaw/downfall is not loving me and not accepting me. I just can't do it right now, no matter how I try. I know that something is wrong, because I can't just accept myself as being a man, and I know that I should be a girl. It almost feels as if i WANT to be a transgendered person, but why is a mystery to me. Perhaps I am scared that I might make a mistake and can't go back? All I know is that for the past few weeks, I've just really wanted to be a girl and I can't just accept that.

"It does not take bravery to transition.  It takes fear.  The fear of spending one more day in the wrong gender." That is a fantastic quote, I really like it. I'm very fearful of living a lost life...living the life that everyone else want's me to live. I need to figure out who I am.

I would love to keep in touch with anyone that want's to. I'm more than happy to have a chat, so shoot off a PM to this little tg girl, and we can be friends.

Much love, and much thanks to everyone who took the time to post. It's all made an impact, no matter how small and simple. I haven't forgotten any of you, you are all amazing! Thank you.

Love,
Karlee.x

[regan]

Much love, and much thanks to everyone who took the time to post. It's all made an impact, no matter how small and simple. I haven't forgotten any of you, you are all amazing! Thank you.

You're leaving our little family already?  I hope not, but if so, you will be missed.  As for therapy, if you're in school, see if there are free or low cost counseling services available - otherwise most large cities have therapists that are on a sliding scale.  As anyone older then maybe 20 will tell you, if you let yourself, you will find distractions to avoid transitioning.  The opportunity is yours, I'd hate to see you back here in 20 years regretting that you didn't do this sooner.

[Karlee]

No way, I'd never leave this family! I was just in a loving and affectionate mood, and thought I'd let everyone know that I appreciate what they do.

I'm going to have a look around for some therapists. Perhaps at university they may know some contacts? I will definitely want to get to one as soon as I can!

[purplevelvet]

No way, I'd never leave this family! I was just in a loving and affectionate mood, and thought I'd let everyone know that I appreciate what they do.

Welcome home then
Good luck with the therapist. I'm in the same boat myself but for some reason I don't seem to find one who is local.

Alison