stealth

[Elijah3291]

Who here is? There are some people that seem to think of it as not being proud of who you are. My therapist that I used to have said that being stealth was like denying part of myself and I should be proud of who I am.  My responce was that I was not transitioning so that I could be a trans man, I was transitioning to be a man.  That no one else needed to know my history, only doctors and partners.

I am slealth at my new job and I love it, get called sir, him, he the whole thing, and its just so cool to know that no one knows my history, that everyone at work just thinks of me as a man, with no exceptions and no stories behind it.  Not a man who used to be a girl, just a guy and its awesome.

for those who do pass, do you choose to live stealth? Why? why not? do you find it difficult?

[wheat thins are delicious]

 I can't be stealth where I currently am because I transitioned on the job so everyone knows about me.  I hope to be stealth one day. 

[Kerberos]

When I was stealth on the job, it felt awesome and very liberating. Then when it was found out didn't feel so good and caused me a lot of stress. If stealth is only being known as TS by close people, that is how I like it. I don't think it's denying who we are just because we don't disclose to our employers, coworkers, neighbors, and school-mates. Just my personal opinion, others may disagree.

[JohnAlex]

Well I don't pass very much.  but I don't think that if I did pass 100%, would I want to be stealth or not. 

On the one hand, I would love to live in stealth, except to family and close friends.  That would just be so awesome.  It's what I always wanted my whole life: to be fully recognized as male.

But then, there's this other part of me. since I have a heart for helping people, sometimes I think I want to become kind of like an activist or advocate for transgendered persons.  I would want to be "out and proud" to give encouragement to other young transgendered people that they can do it to. 
I mean, a couple years ago I started watching youtube videos of other transgendered persons, and it was really uplifting for me.  Seeing them strong enough to do this, made me realize that I can do it too. 
And sometimes I think I would want to pass that gift along to someone else too. 

And then there's also the other issue, where transgendered persons don't really get recognized by society if they are all in stealth.  Like, if there are a bunch of gay people walking down the street, people get used to it, and then being gay is totally normal to society.   But if there are a bunch of stealth transgenders walking down the street, no one is any wiser.

Now, not that it's the responsibility of all transgendered persons to go about educating society.  But I just think that more good comes out of not being stealth.  But I would never tell someone that they are wrong for being stealth.  God no.  I think everyone has to do what is right for them.  You also can't live your whole life for other people. we know that.

But about what that therapist said about denying a part of yourself, I don't think that's true one bit.  You never forget that you are trans.  And like you said, partners and doctors would have to know.

[Arch]

I am as stealth as I can manage. I struggle with it some...there are a couple of people I would like to tell, but they don't really have a need to know. I guess I still have a hard time with the societal perception that trans people are pretending to be something they're not. I suppose it will take time for me to stop feeling like a liar. I have a lot to "live down." I lived the old life for so long and have only been in the new life for a couple of years.

It's funny. I have spent my whole life fighting off my true identity, even when I knew that transition was possible. I lived a lie for so many years, but I didn't feel guilty, just ashamed of who I really was. Now that I've transitioned, I'm still ashamed (less and less, but it's still pretty strong) and I do feel guilty for keeping my private life private.

From secret shame and no guilt to frequent shame AND guilt. Doesn't seem like a big improvement, does it? But I've paid my dues. I just want people to treat me like a regular guy. And they do, and I love it.

[Ratchet]

for those who do pass, do you choose to live stealth? Why? why not? do you find it difficult?

I am stealth 24/7, except to family who know but are very accepting though older family members have a slip up sometimes. I called my grandmother today and she called me "missy" in her southern drawl but no harm done. She can do no harm to me, she means no ill regard.

I am stealth because I hate the idea of someone even remotely trying to think "he used to be a she" or a "he-she". I was always a he. There was never a "she" so I prefer that people see that way and not try to twist it. I know people are far more accepting now a days, but I just can't stand the idea of someone ever really having that sort of thought in their head. People judge people. I don't care who you are, how righteous you think you are, you judge a person the moment you learn something, the moment you see them. Be it for learning that they have had sex with 13 men, or because they were their hair in all the wrong ways (according to you). Judgement is a nature of humans, as much as we try to deny it. And I've done it. So I prefer that people don't judge me for the fake me. This is me. This has always been me. So you'll do well to remember it.

It has actually never been difficult for me. I guess I've been lucky. I've had my personal problems, some due to my gender identity but most to my traumatic childhood. My family is accepting. I pass 100% because my genes gave me slightly smaller than average boobs so binding works really well. I feel comfortable being me, so people don't bother to question. I ask, give the air, and look like a male.

I've had conversations with close friends about "hey if you found out so-and-so used to be a boy, what would you do?" and most of the time people will say "I feel like they should tell me, it's a life changing thing and I think you should at least tell the people important to you". But sorry, I can't stand being thought of as a liar. I am me. I've told my friends from the time I start to transition, even now. I tell them who I am. And who I am is all there is to it. Being trans isn't who I am, it isn't a big change, it is not something I feel I am lying about. When I say "I am Jason. I am a male." I feel like there could be no more true words to say.

So... I guess, I keep myself open to those who will throw it in my face if they find out, but I never lie to myself anymore. I'm done with that.

[GQjoey]

I've been stealth since my sophmore year in high school (I'm 28 now). I really couldn't imagine living any other way. I have told some close friends in the past, and am still close to those people. I just don't find it necessary to tell people who really don't NEED to know. For me, it's more comfortable to be seen as nothing more than just your average dude.

[wheat thins are delicious]

The thing I hate about my not being stealth is the inappropriate questions people ask that they wouldn't really ask a cis man.

[sneakersjay]

I am as stealth as I can be.  In those situations where I am just male, it is amazing and awesome and so right.

I came out at this job so  most people know; I have no idea if the rumor mill has informed newer employees or not.

Biding my time until I can quit and move on.  Time to move to a new area where nobody knows me and live truly stealth.


Jay

[mowdan6]

Ditto to JohnAlex's post.  Even though I do pass 100% and could easily go stealth, I have chose not to.  And, please hear, I am not condeming those who do live stealth.  Reason I have chose to be out is for activism purposes.  If we are a secret and silent community, there will never be changes made to give trans people freedom from discrimination.  Policies will never change when it comes to the hardship we have to face in changing gender on documents, losing jobs, losing homes, etc.  Again, not a judgement,  just my own standing.

[noxdraconis]

I am stealth.  The only people who know are my family and a few close people who learned on need-to-know basis. 

I am stealth because I do not want transman to be my defining characteristic in people's minds.  I rather my skills and merits be the first thing people think of when they think of me, not an unfortunate circumstance of birth.  Unfortunately being known as trans would trump all else in people's minds, since it is something that to them seems SO important to them, when it is but only a little part of me.  I also do not want to be thought of as "not quite a man" or some variation of that theme.  Furthermore, I do not want to deal with obnoxious questions and stares.  I am private person, and would like to keep it that way.

It was easy to be stealth for me.  I was always an aloof and slightly intimidating person (or so I have been told), so before transition, I never had anybody I was close to, and post-transition, I only had one (who I never told anyway).  Therefore, I never had to deal with "severing ties" or that rot with people from before transition.  I would not have talked to them anyway, transition aside, so it was no big deal. 

[Darrin Scott]

Ditto to JohnAlex's post.  Even though I do pass 100% and could easily go stealth, I have chose not to.  And, please hear, I am not condeming those who do live stealth.  Reason I have chose to be out is for activism purposes.  If we are a secret and silent community, there will never be changes made to give trans people freedom from discrimination.  Policies will never change when it comes to the hardship we have to face in changing gender on documents, losing jobs, losing homes, etc.  Again, not a judgement,  just my own standing.

This.

Even though I pass like 10% of the time.

[RyGuy]

I was not transitioning so that I could be a trans man, I was transitioning to be a man.  That no one else needed to know my history, only doctors and partners.

I used almost these exact same words in another thread and got torn apart but I wholeheartedly agree. I'm not transitioning to be some kind of in-between genders or perpetual trans-person.

I'm generally stealth (people from my past obviously know because it's like, "where did 'she' go?" but other than them and my family no one knows. it's amazing. I've waited my whole life to be treated like a normal guy and now I get that, so why ruin it by being "out" and having people judge me or treat me differently? it has nothing to do with being a coward, I'm just REALISTIC. a lot of people don't understand being trans and it's not even necessarily their fault because of how badly the media portrays us and the stigma- how would they know any different?

[Adio]

I'm as stealth as I can be.  I'm out as trans to family, close friends who knew me before, my boyfriend, some of my doctors, and the faculty/staff who needed to know at school.  Maybe a few others but otherwise that's it.  My mom has told some of her friends because they "knew me when" and would ask her questions like "How is your daughter?"  She got tired of keeping her son a secret.  I don't mind that they know as long as I either don't see them or they can respect my identity.

I choose to be stealth because I'm a private person and I find it easier (for myself) to not have to explain my situation to everyone I come into contact with.  They only way I will come out is if it is absolutely necessary.  Like to a potential partner, to doctors who need-to-know, and to anyone who happens to see old information (but only in the process of doing something important like a background check, etc).

It's difficult when I have to talk about things that a non-trans guy who had dealt with growing up.  My socialization with males is stunted by my upbringing as a female.  So interactions in a group of men can be difficult for me.  But that's not really a stealth issue.  It's not as if I would say, "I was brought up as a girl, so cut me some slack here."  So...trying to think of how it's difficult...I suppose the fear of being outed is hard to deal with.  I worry about what would happen if everyone found out.  Either physical violence, verbal abuse, being ostracized, etc.   

[N.Chaos]

I'm sort of half and half.
All my friends know, and if I'm going to make close friends with someone, I make sure they know. But beyond that? Yeah, I'm a guy. Just a guy. On every website I'm on, the only people who know I'm trans are close friends (And on one forum, people that've known me for a long time).

Well, and the people at my bank. They know something is up with me. Last time I went in and the poor bank worker addresses me by my legal name, she looked confused as all hell. Which made me happy, because obviously I didn't look like I fit that name.

It's easy for me because I don't currently work, go to school, or anything like that. The absolute only time I *need* to use my legal name is on bank-related crap, PayPal, or when I'm getting published. So, my publisher knows I wasn't born as Nick Ransom, but he doesn't know the specifics, and doesn't seem to care. Works well enough for me. Obviously, when I've got the money and my family knows 100%, I'm getting that disgusting name wiped off as much as possible, but for now? I can deal.

[insideontheoutside]

I think it depends completely on the personal choice of the person. I have gay friends that are "stealth" because they do not want that to define them and they don't think it's anyone's business but them and whoever they choose as a partner. I also have gay friends who are the out-and-proud type and who are very vocal about their gayness, etc. I use the gay examples because I don't have any friends that are trans (not by choice).

Since I'm not transitioning, most of the people in my life or that I have to deal with at work treat me as female - but that's not who I really am. I'm only stealth when I choose to be and in the fact that only a handful or people in my life know what my deal is and know the real me.

My own personal viewpoint would be I would never want to be thought of or called a transman. As much as I silently loathe that in certain scenarios people can not truly be themselves without taking a huge amount of ->-bleeped-<- for it, I really just want to blend in too - at least when it comes to gender. I don't want to be a freak, or the he-she, or whatever other derogatory name people can come up with. I don't want that to be the thing that changes someone's complete perception of me ... that makes them talk in hushed tones to other people about me, etc. etc.. And believe me, there seems to be very few people out there who are honestly 100% accepting without letting information color their view of you. I just want people to think I'm "normal" in that department and then just be myself from there.

[insideontheoutside]

Well, and the people at my bank. They know something is up with me. Last time I went in and the poor bank worker addresses me by my legal name, she looked confused as all hell. Which made me happy, because obviously I didn't look like I fit that name.

Ha - I've tripped out my bank people before. I actually went and got a new pic taken on my driver's license just to look more like me because the other one was way old and I had really short hair and looked like a total dork and that added even more to the double takes. So now it's just the name usually. Yesterday I was at the DMV and the guy looked at the form - which of course had my legal name on it - and asked, "And this is you?" kinda confused. I just said yeah and he didn't ask to see my ID (was just renewing plate reg).

I really should have changed my name somewhere along the line but it's not like I don't like my legal name either. If I'm out by myself or with the few people who do know and we're at a restaurant or something I usually use my nickname though.

[Arch]

I'm stealth (as much as I can be), but I'm openly gay. I'm laying the groundwork for being out (as gay) at my second job. Some people there know. I didn't come out and say it; I just stopped hiding some things.

Quite some time ago, a trans person asked me why I was out as gay but not as trans. It was a good question, but I didn't like his very clear implication that if I was going to be out as gay, I had to be out as trans, too. Really? In fact, he was one of those people who tend to believe that we should all be out as trans and be actively and openly giving back to the trans community--but in ways that THEY decide are right and appropriate, not in ways that I think are right for me. So he thought I should be involved in community events and support groups and all of that--but only trans stuff, not gay stuff.

So, why am I out as one but not as the other? Part of the answer is that my identity has always been tied to being a boy/man attracted to men. When I was younger, I already wanted to live as a gay man and be accepted as a gay man. That was the group I felt tied to. Someone on this thread remarked that he transitioned to live as a man, not to live as a trans man (paraphrase). Only I transitioned to live as a gay man rather than a gay trans man.

"Trans" is not part of my gender/sexual identity, although I used it that way for a certain period in my life when I wasn't living as a man. It was one way of asserting my manhood and my masculinity but without transitioning. It was all I could do at the time. Now that I'm living as a man, I feel male, not trans male. Perhaps it looks very binary to most people--in fact, because I identify as solidly male, I've been accused of being a binary thinker!--but I just happen to be at one end of the gender identity spectrum. That doesn't mean I don't believe there's a spectrum. People who tell me otherwise clearly do not know what I think; they are trying to put words in my mouth. And people who question my living as a trans-stealth gay man don't understand that I have had trans experiences and a trans medical history but I have a gay male identity.

There are other issues to staying stealth, of course, but I won't go into them here. I'm sure you've heard it all before.

[xAndrewx]

Like a couple others, I'm as stealth as I can be. I work for a theme park so it's a very large amount of people I work with and I don't often see the same customer twice which makes things easier. My family, friends, & a handful of coworkers know but that's about it. I find it easier and while I do attend meetings still sometimes & try to be reasonably active in the community I don't wear being trans on my sleeve.

For me (and I hope no one takes this offensively) it's like a condition. Those who need to know will and I won't deny it if someone asks but I don't go around publicly announcing it. I think those who are active and open are incredible people but I choose to live stealth and I see nothing wrong with it either way. It's an individual thing. I'm not ashamed of it, I think it has made me a stronger person and while I won't jump up and down happy that I wasn't born a bio-male, I am grateful for what I have learned from it all. It does get very difficult to live stealth though seeing as I am larger chested.

Sorry for the long response.

[kyril]

I'm not actually stealth - I make no particular effort to hide my trans status, for now. On the other hand, I don't walk up to people I just met and announce "Hi, I'm [name], and I'm a trans guy!" When people see my name, I let them think what they will - and to be honest, in general people don't even seem to read my name/gender marker on my ID.

I'm keeping my options open, not doing any visible trans activism under my real name, in case at some point I decide I'd rather be stealth. But right now I'm walking the fine line of "I don't care what you think I have in my pants." Which is working well - the vast majority of people don't know, but I'm not worried about close friends or random strangers.

edit: I think the end result of my approach and the "as stealth as I can be" approach of a couple other guys is basically the same. I'm just refusing to stress about it, is all. But I get the motivation to try.