This is all pointless...

[A_Dresden_Doll]

I think I've finally realized that transition is pointless for me. I am about to start HRT, have come out to everyone I know, have not lost anyone for the most part, and have NO reason to pretend to be a man except at work. But I do. I actually present more male than I did almost a year ago when I first started all of this. And forget going out in girl mode. I just can't do it. Every time I've been out trying to present female, I feel like the worlds biggest joke. It's been beyond horrible the few times I've tried. And then there is the frequency. I work 2-11pm, and when I'm off, it's the only I can see my daughter. And I refuse to put her life in danger while I go out and pretend to be a girl. I just don't see any point in trying.

Therapy hasn't helped any of this.
Neither has any support group I've been to.
Nor any friends, or just me ranting to them.

I am my own worse enemy, and I've finally won out. I just don't to exist anymore. But I'm not going to kill myself, that would allow me some peace. I'll do like I've always done, and allow myself to suffer more for being a pathetic waste of minerals and water...

[Beth Andrea]

(((hugs)))

Please, be gentle with yourself.

Transitioning takes time. Be yourself in your own home, present as a man outside (perhaps with some girlie flourishes, such as doing your nails, earrings, etc. As subdued or as flamboyant as you're comfortable with.)

Don't kill yourself, you do NOT want to leave that kind of legacy for your daughter... (((more hugs)))

Some questions, trying to help:

Can you start HRT without presenting as female?

Why/how are you "more male" now than a year ago? What's different?

How much time are you willing to use in your transition? You've been doing it for almost a year, many take 5-10 years to complete...and some never complete it. Compare the time of a "moderate" transition (say, 8 years), with the time "as male" for the rest of your life (say, 40-50 years?) Is 8 years of transition worth it?

PS...if your avatar is you, I'd say you just need longer hair to make you look more feminine...you definitely have some potential there.

[A_Dresden_Doll]

It's not that I'm more male. It's that I have next to no real reasons for presenting male now, than I did a year ago. And yet, I felt more eager to do so a year ago.

All I wear is girl jeans when I do dress casually. And usually with a very gender neutral shirt, or one that is certainly not masculine. It doesn't help one bit. There is no in-between with me. It's just that presenting female doesn't do anything to help the dysphoria or help me feel more like a woman. This is partly why I don't even bother dressing like a girl at home. I still feel and think the same. And it's VERY obvious that I am not a girl when I do go out.

I'm going to be miserable no matter what I do. I'm addicted to it. It is the only thing that keeps me going. I was hoping that transitioning would cure it, but now I know it won't. And therapy hasn't either. I know myself, and the only thing I can do that I don't fail in, is to find a way to punish myself, to make myself even more miserable.

[AbraCadabra]

Hi Doll,
you know, not everyone is girly girl like. Some female natures are just more to the male side, as we all know quite well by now.

You may just be a lot more on that side then you allow for yourself.
I hear you still feel like a woman inside, but have issues with all the draping of the general notions of feminine presentation, out-fits etc.

BTW, as we grow we keep changing, said so in this morning's post about that.

Who says padded bras, make-up, heels, skirts, birdie voice, etc. ?
Maybe expectations of society at large... but like for so many more butch women THERE IS THANKFULLY NO MORE NEED TO BUY INTO IT!

So being the woman you are at heart, will in fact allow you more FREEDOM, then kicking cans in the that male word. Think about it.

Opting for depression rather then kicking society's expectation in the butt?
I opt for the latter. Not a question!

Go dress butch, and be the woman you are - is my advise.
And to hell with those expectations. You'll be just so cool in pants and butch tops if you like that.
It is YOUR decision, to hell with what other would all have in mind for you.
It's your life, not theirs, eh.

We are caring,
Axelle

[AbraCadabra]

Reading your second explanation.

GO ON HRT! Then see what happens.

If I go low on E I could relate to what you are saying.

If you a masochist and want to stay one? Then go with the flow if you want to suffer, it's of course your choice.

Again, your brain may be E starved, it sounds that way to me.
Give it a try. Also THERAPY... the one I went to was more designed for me committing suicide. It was just "gate-keeping". No idea about yours though.

Axelle

[sarahwr]

Hi.

I do feel for you but wonder if there is a little self pity?

This is my first post on the forum so to read your topic was a little disconcerting.

I know it won't make a lot of difference if you are determined to just give in but I will explain my circumstance briefly.

Gender - Male (Recently told by GD specilist I am GD)
Age - 66 going on 67.
Looks - Unfortunately manly but what the heck.
Looking ahead to - uncertain. I am having specialtist counselling for my GD and on Wednesday I go for my first session with a psychiatrist.
Would like - (but at the moment not confident of) being prescribed hormones through the NHS.

I find my true self when in female mode. More relaxed and just...well... happier.

I guess it is coming to terms with what is acceptable to you. Personally I can't be too fussy and will take aything that is on offer.

I can't give any advice except perhaps to find out what you really want and even if it means dropping all aspects of becoming feminine take that course of action if only for your peace of mind.

Alternatively accept things as they are and take pleasure in enjoying exactly who you are and being a good parent to your daughter.

If you would like to read anything more about my own experiences e.g. I took feminising herbs for 20 months, please ask?

Best wishes and I hope things work out as you would want them to.

Love and hugzzzzzz,

Sarah 

[MarinaM]

Try to bear with me in that video, I was sans all makeup, and a tired mess. 

Edit: It made a window! That's not what I wanted it to do! Oh well.

[AbraCadabra]

Emma, great!

Thank you for sharing of yourself with us.
You do make the point for me, that transition is NOT pointless!

I like your naturalness, your absolute sincerity and you are female. Yes, there's no doubt about it for me. You're a Sister and you are right on track with what you do.

Not a grain of false pretence there, and that is so very refreshing.
You being yourself and you are woman. Tired and most thoughtful but that's also just fine :-)

Big HUG from,
Axelle

[Whitney]

It's not that I'm more male. It's that I have next to no real reasons for presenting male now, than I did a year ago. And yet, I felt more eager to do so a year ago.

All I wear is girl jeans when I do dress casually. And usually with a very gender neutral shirt, or one that is certainly not masculine. It doesn't help one bit. There is no in-between with me. It's just that presenting female doesn't do anything to help the dysphoria or help me feel more like a woman. This is partly why I don't even bother dressing like a girl at home. I still feel and think the same. And it's VERY obvious that I am not a girl when I do go out.

I'm going to be miserable no matter what I do. I'm addicted to it. It is the only thing that keeps me going. I was hoping that transitioning would cure it, but now I know it won't. And therapy hasn't either. I know myself, and the only thing I can do that I don't fail in, is to find a way to punish myself, to make myself even more miserable.

Gender is fluid, you don't need to say you are a man or a woman. There is a whole plethora of unique and expressive genders people concoct to describe how they feel about themselves; genders that fit both the entire gamut between man and woman, as well as everything outside. It's easy for an infinite line to seem very binary when two of the possible values show up ninety-nine percent of the time. Rest assured, that line is just as infinite in possibility as the potential of human expression. Don't get so trumped with what it is to have "sex". That's biology. It's just the cells that make up your body. You are you! Be you, whoever you want you to be. To hell with the rest of the world who tells you you're wrong, because they have no idea how vastly narrow they've reduced their existence. Just because the normal world reduces gender to male and female don't think that the transgender world has reduced ->-bleeped-<- to a binary status.

I hope you feel better, even if my post doesn't change anything. 


@Emma: I <3 video posters. You make me want to post, but sadly I've run up a greater deficit in the self-worth/confidence department than the US Government's financial debacle. Perhaps if we had a heavily moderated thread where we can only communicate via youtube webcam videos.

[noeleena]

Hi.


In many ways for me it is pointless because im different again im nether male / female yet both. i dont look facial wise any way as any woman . theres nothing to denote my looks in that way.

i never ....ill use this word ...acted ....in a male maner yet would be seen  as male , i tryed to express my self as both a soft male if you like &  as a woman what im trying to say is i did not fit in to a male world or a womans world ,

so dont try just be you it makes no differnce as to the clothes
I wear my work clothes overalls boots a been'e type hat do my building both as male /female . it makes no difference as people know who i am & as a person .

Tho im accepted in womens groups as a woman & get on well there is a place for us in socity .

I hated being around men because they slighted me as a woman in what they talked about so i walked away.
Yet i had to learn my trade , .

What about now Im classed as a woman accepted as one yet is male ,

I belive we over think this damm role play detail to much & how we dress  . or dont .

& how we express our selfs . my advise is express your trueself  wether its male .....female / woman .....or a mix of both as i do .  there is a middle ground . & may be you need to see that. trust me no matter what,,,, we ,,,,do itll never be right for some ,

im passed  the bull->-bleeped-<-, i have a life because i was not going to be dictated to ,  this is my life & ill live it my way on my terms & if people dont like it then your not my friend.

You know what i have not lost any friends over 54 years & i have gained 100;s more & that figger is correct,
Just be who you are just be you.

Do your H R T  surgery what ever  just take your time & if you think later on thats not the rout for you thats not a problem ,

What is .....IS not accepting who you are, its taken me 54 years to be who i am . & i'v got there, Hey not perfect,   still does that matter ,no,   im happy in my self  content being who i am with all my faults & failings .

Jos & i went though ....HELL....& make no mistake we did,   we got through it so if i can you can as well.

& just for the record you look so lovely so dont come out with me i'd put you to shame..
& people are used to me   now ,  so my looks dont count as in my  pic, avatar,

...noeleena...

[justmeinoz]

Maybe you are just a really masculine woman?  There's lots of them out there, and they don't give a rat's what the rest of the world thinks.  They are too busy being comfortable in what they are wearing.

Do you have any women friends you are out to, or could come out to?  That would be a good support base to have. You haven't indicated whether your daughter is old enough to bring the subject up?  It sounds like she is with your ex, is she aware of your situation, and likely to be supportive?

It's not pointless, life isn't easy but it can be wonderful. 

Karen.

[Renate]

Hi Sarah. I think that you will go far.

Looks - Unfortunately manly but what the heck.

There are some that agonize a lot and others who say, "what the heck".

[Amazon D]

Maybe you are just a really masculine woman?  There's lots of them out there, and they don't give a rat's what the rest of the world thinks.  They are too busy being comfortable in what they are wearing.
Karen.

I too do not dress as female either and i am 14 yrs post op. I feel closer to a woman internally than externally. Thats ok. You might need to get an orchy to stop the T that is messing with your mind. I know that helped me back in the beginning. However, i did lose my 2 sons to their moms and well i actually never had them so i did get to try full time for 12 yrs but finally realized that i mostly just needed the orchy and GRS and name change and legal identity changed, but how far you go is up to you. Whatever you do do it to make yourself healthier for yourself and others. Your no good for your kids unless your good for yourself. hugs Danie / Danielle

PS: I wish i had looked as good as you when i first started.. i spent my lifes savings to transition

[MarinaM]

Emma, great!

Thank you for sharing of yourself with us.
You do make the point for me, that transition is NOT pointless!

I like your naturalness, your absolute sincerity and you are female. Yes, there's no doubt about it for me. You're a Sister and you are right on track with what you do.

Not a grain of false pretence there, and that is so very refreshing.
You being yourself and you are woman. Tired and most thoughtful but that's also just fine :-)

Big HUG from,
Axelle

Thank you, Axelle. HUG right back

@Emma: I <3 video posters. You make me want to post, but sadly I've run up a greater deficit in the self-worth/confidence department than the US Government's financial debacle. Perhaps if we had a heavily moderated thread where we can only communicate via youtube webcam videos.

I don't get to use the web cam very often, and I was never comfortable with the idea of some stranger critiquing my interpretation of female. While I do think the idea is fun, I lock those videos down pretty hard, and I rarely do them for any reason other than self therapy. As you mentioned in your post, where I need to be is at some point on that gender line that is slightly androgynous. I'm pretty binary, but I don't think I will ever cut up my face, and I waiver on whether or not I should alter my voice much more <--- (not taking outside advice on those topics)

[AmySmiles]

I think I've finally realized that transition is pointless for me. I am about to start HRT, have come out to everyone I know, have not lost anyone for the most part, and have NO reason to pretend to be a man except at work. But I do. I actually present more male than I did almost a year ago when I first started all of this. And forget going out in girl mode. I just can't do it. Every time I've been out trying to present female, I feel like the worlds biggest joke. It's been beyond horrible the few times I've tried. And then there is the frequency. I work 2-11pm, and when I'm off, it's the only I can see my daughter. And I refuse to put her life in danger while I go out and pretend to be a girl. I just don't see any point in trying.

Therapy hasn't helped any of this.
Neither has any support group I've been to.
Nor any friends, or just me ranting to them.

I am my own worse enemy, and I've finally won out. I just don't to exist anymore. But I'm not going to kill myself, that would allow me some peace. I'll do like I've always done, and allow myself to suffer more for being a pathetic waste of minerals and water...

Hon, I honestly think you are scared.  You are right there at the edge of doing something you want so badly, but you don't know if you're strong enough to take the next step.  Being on hormones doesn't mean you have to present outwardly female all the time yet.  You have to be ready for that up here (*points to head*) and here (*points to heart*).  That's not to say it won't be scary the first few times, but you need to know you're ready.  In that respect I can very easily relate to what you're saying.  I wasn't ready to present as female outside of support groups and friendly places until after many months on hormones.

What I think you should do is START hormones, and do not stop for at least 3 months unless it just feels wrong.  Continue dressing female at supportive places, and if possible go out with friends in groups (for example, with the support group) until you get more confidence.  Speaking from experience, confidence doesn't just come naturally to most people.  You need to be out there, experiencing things and getting practice before you have confidence and it's best to do that exploration in a safe setting.  You may feel like a joke at first, but as the hormones do their work you will feel less and less so.  And most importantly, if you don't have the confidence to present as female outside of safe settings for a while, then don't!  And don't feel bad about it.  It is sooooo easy to get jealous of others (especially on large forums like this) but just because other people might be moving at a faster pace does not mean you should feel less for having to go at your own.  Everyone is different and needs to go at their own pace.  You'll get there.  You will.  But by all means do not give up before you've even started.  As you've said, you have a lot going for you.  Take the first steps and see what happens.

[BillieTex]

I'm going to be miserable no matter what I do. I'm addicted to it. It is the only thing that keeps me going.

Yes, you will be. Sorry. But if that is what you really believe and that is all you expect, or even worse, if that is what you look foreward to, enjoy miserable....   If there is a glimmer of hope in that dark cloud surrounding you get youself on HRT, I have never come out, never went out en femme, but have been on and off hormones for about 8 years and found the changes in my brain that allow me to accept myself. and over time i look younger and have people who do not know me, half the time thinking i am female, just a bit tall and overweight (Lord help me with the latter).

Try not to give up, keep your goals small and celebrate in those you accomplish. There is an old saying, "Life in a journey, not the destination my friend."  You have friend here to talk, yell, or cry to. And no matter how hard today is, there will be a tomorrow to give it another shot and try something new, just never stop trying.

Big hug to ya!!! 

[A_Dresden_Doll]

I want to thank everyone for the kind words.

I think Amy brought up a good point to why I feel the way I do. I am jealous. We ALL go through some sort of hell in transition. Some more than others. But, it seems like I keep paying into this, and I'm not getting anything out of it. I keep wondering when by opening up and letting that "inner girl" out, I'm going to start seeing that reward.

I don't feel anxiety because I feel like I should be more feminine, I have anxiety because I want to be more feminine, but am not. I am so masculine and male in my appearance and attitude that it is killing me. And it feels like my facade has raped me to the point where I don't even know if my real self is alive anymore. And then I punish myself for it. And I've felt this way since I was around six. I have literally hated myself more than anything I can think of, since I was in Kindergarten.

I know of the things I can control, I am feeling very off about my voice. Go listen to it in the Voice Therapy thread. That has been my best attempt at a female voice, and it is...bad. Even worse, is that I get complimented on my male voice ALL the time at work. I work in a call center, so my voice is the only thing the customer has to interact with me. It's looking more like I'm going to need a speech pathologist, and I cannot afford one. I can't even afford laser hair removal. And I need to keep going to therapy. I think my thread proves that point.

I remember the first time I had a dream as a girl when I came out to myself, again. I was at some debutante party. All the girls were wearing pink and I was in black. And I remember sitting on a couch, off from the majority of the other guests, and I remember how confident I felt, sitting there, watching everything go on. And then this guy approached me, and we started talking. He said he couldn't help but notice me and how I seemed unique and different than the other girls at the party. We sat and talked all night, enjoying each others intelligence.

I feel like that is the person I should be. I have a strong connection to Amanda Palmer and other artistic types, and that is the person that I imagine myself becoming, or rediscovering, depending on how you look at transition. I actually used to be an art major, but gave it up when I got to college. I realized that my work was trite crap, and I'd rather not embarrass myself. I wonder, though, if that lack, or loss, of creative energy is from being trans. How can an artist create when she can't be herself, let alone a whole person. That artistic drive is one of the things I've been hoping will come back to me during transition, but who knows?

[Tamaki]

I don't feel anxiety because I feel like I should be more feminine, I have anxiety because I want to be more feminine, but am not. I am so masculine and male in my appearance and attitude that it is killing me. And it feels like my facade has raped me to the point where I don't even know if my real self is alive anymore. And then I punish myself for it. And I've felt this way since I was around six. I have literally hated myself more than anything I can think of, since I was in Kindergarten.

I think that at some point it's really common to wonder what parts of yourself are real and what parts you're pretending to be. Part of the journey is it figure it out and come to terms with it. I have male parts of my personality just like other women do, gender really is a spectrum. Maybe your just a tomboy or just too afraid to let that girly girl out. Be gentle with yourself and I'm sure you can figure it out.

I feel like that is the person I should be. I have a strong connection to Amanda Palmer and other artistic types, and that is the person that I imagine myself becoming, or rediscovering, depending on how you look at transition. I actually used to be an art major, but gave it up when I got to college. I realized that my work was trite crap, and I'd rather not embarrass myself. I wonder, though, if that lack, or loss, of creative energy is from being trans. How can an artist create when she can't be herself, let alone a whole person. That artistic drive is one of the things I've been hoping will come back to me during transition, but who knows?

Creativity can sprout from conflict and turmoil. Channel some of the anxiety your having about your transition into your art. Do it for yourself and no one else.  Maybe you'll learn something about yourself in the process.

No matter what happens with your transition you will understand yourself better and be a better person for it.

[azSam]

It's called a transition because it takes time. You can't just magically get your results overnight. Transition takes work. Wait, did you catch that? TRANSITION TAKES WORK! Very few of us are privileged with the opportunity to transition early, so we have to work our butts off to try to achieve some level of normalcy.

Your voice takes time, you have to exercise your muscles and practice. I'm telling you, you will not get it over night. Just keep at it, and you'll be surprised of the results.

Your appearance takes time, growing your hair is a major step in altering your appearance and there is nothing you can do to make it grow out instantly, unless you invest into wigs. Laser on your face can take as long as 2 years to finish treatment. Hormones need at least a few months to drastically alter your appearance, I'd say at least 1 year to give you huge modifications.

Your mental changes even take time. While you've always felt feminine in the past and you know that you're a girl, you've still lived for decades under the false persona of being male. It takes time to move out of those comfort zones. You may not LIKE acting male, but the fact that you've done it for so long makes it comfortable.

Give yourself time, you'll be surprised. Don't be impatient. I know that's the hardest thing to do, is to try and be patient; but it's the only thing you can do. Because being impatient only stresses you out and doesn't really speed anything up. Just take things as they come.

[cynthialee]

Dresden Doll,
You know what I think. I have told you more than once.
I am very sorry that you are going through this crap.
I will be home most the day and on social media pretty much all day also.
You have my phone number and facebook contact, don't be afraid to use them.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee