So, I don't really know what I'm expecting to get out of this, but I can't afford to see my therapist right now, and I've been driving myself crazy thinking about everything so much.
I can't decide if I want to go on T, and it's because I still have a lot of doubt about my identity. When I wake up in the morning, I just feel like myself, the same as I've always been more or less. I never thought I was a boy when I was a kid because I was aware that I had a female body, and I didn't understand that there is a difference between sex and gender. I knew I didn't fit in with the other girls though. I used to try to play with the girls during recess, and they realized I was miserable and told me to go play with the boys, which I enjoyed. But I didn't think I was a boy either. I got angry when boys said girls couldn't do certain things as well as boys, and I considered myself to be a feminist to the extent that I understood feminism in my small conservative christian school. I thought I was just a great role model for girls because I loved science and sports. It's just that, I'm not all that masculine in other ways. For about a year, before I ever heard the word transgender, a few girls I knew kept inviting me to their girls night, which I never attended. I kept saying that I was worried that the things they did were too girly, and I wouldn't be interested. And I did tell myself that I wouldn't be interested, except I actually would have enjoyed putting on flamboyant Bowie-esque make up. I just didn't want to go to girls night.
And I know it's not about gender roles, and it seems ridiculous to me to even think about it that way because I had lots of female friends who were gamers and scientists, who didn't get why girls had to go the restroom in packs, and didn't want to go on forever about their relationships. And I have good guy friends who aren't embarrassed about showing emotions and like to cry. I just keep wondering why I can't be happy with being a girl if I can do anything I want either way. Except I can't exactly. I had good guy friends who treated me almost like a guy, but they still weren't entirely themselves around me (I know since they were my roommates, and I could hear them through the walls when they thought I was asleep.) I desperately wanted them to accept me as one of them, even though at the time I still wouldn't have said I was a boy because I didn't know that was an option. And a constant refrain I had to tell my female roommates was "I know I'm a girl, but I don't pick up on things like a girl. You have to be blunt with me if I'm pissing you off." They never quite got it though. I dunno, maybe all guys have that problem. I'm living full time as a man now, and now that I've gotten over the fear of being outed in a restroom and getting over the excitement of getting read as male, it kinda seems like gender is no big deal. Then I think about going back to living as a girl, and the thought makes me cringe.
I just wish there were a test that could just tell me my gender. I just feel like me, and just what I feel like seems to be the only good way to figure it out. I mean, gender roles and stereotypes don't determine one's gender, and even though I can think of lots of things that finally clicked when I learned I could be transsexual, and I can think of tons of stuff as evidence that I must be trans, I don't know how to figure out if I'm actually trans, or just a really tomboyish girl. I want to start T, but it's a huge, permanent decision, so I don't want to start while I have any doubt.
I guess part of my doubt comes from knowing that I have to give up something I already have in order to transition. If I went back to living as a girl, no one would question it, and I did make it work for a long time. It's just that I feel more comfortable when I'm interacting with people as a guy. I don't really even understand why as I haven't changed anything other than my hair cut, my name, and my clothes.
And I don't hate my body. It's a good body; it's gotten me through a lot even when I didn't take very good care of it. I day dream about winning the lottery so that I could get a hysto, but I know cis women who never want to be pregnant and want a hysto as well. The most incomprehensible thing to me is that I have hips. I just don't get it. I wasn't expecting to get hips, and I started bumping into everything after 7th grade because I kept forgetting they were there. I still can't remember they're there, but unfortunately T isn't going to change that. And I always expected to grow up to be strong, and it confused the crap out of me when all the boys started getting bigger and stronger than me in middle school. In elementary school I was the best athlete in my class, and I didn't think that would change. My friends asked me if maybe that's why I think I'm trans, because I looked up to my dad and brother so much, and I was a tomboy, so I just expected to be like them. But, I think my friend has that backwards. And I don't completely hate my chest. It's annoying since they get in the way, but I don't just straight out hate them. And the weirdest part is that I liked that I looked good in a dress, and if I transition I won't look as pretty. I know I'm weird, I didn't want curves or to be soft; I wanted to be strong and beautiful. :/ And I actually do miss my skirts. I had a lot of cute skirts and tights, and men's clothes have so little variety. Though, I never spent much time shopping before I came out, in part because I didn't want anyone to think I was girly.
I used to do a lot of macho bull crap and rejected feminine things that I liked because I was trying to communicate something to everyone, but I knew the message that they were getting was wrong because it wasn't me, and they still saw me as a woman, and I'm definitely not like a woman. Now that I'm out I can do whatever I want, and fortunately since I have liberal friends they don't see me as less of a man because of my interests (whether they see me as a man at all is a totally different question.)
I don't really know why I still have doubts, other than that it's a big decision, and I never thought "I'm a boy" until I learned that sex and gender are different constructs, about 8 months ago. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about gender as I understood it, and I'd take tests like the BBC brain sex test and stuff like that to try to prove that I think like a guy. And until I came out as trans my friends did joke that I think exactly like a guy. I guess I'm just afraid of giving up all of the privilege that I currently could have if I went back to living as a girl.
I don't know. I'm done rambling.
