Hello! I really need advice!

[JCS]

Hello!

I´m very confused at the moment. I´m a bio girl who is 21 years old and for almost a month now I´ve been wondering if I´m transgender (FTM). When I was little I "just knew" I was a girl and not a boy. I was very shy and didn´t really cared about clothes, I just wore what my parents and other people gave me. I even thought boys clothing looked boring (until now). When I was 10 I started to love the colour pink, I was kind of obsessed with it and became obsessed with other typical "girl stuff" in upcoming years like beauty products, make up and I always wanted to look nice and sometimes I think I did, sometimes I think I didn´t.

At the same time I´ve always loved sports, especially football (soccer in America) and when I was 12-13 I almost only had guy friends. I also cut my hair short because I saw a girl in a paper that had a really cool, short hairstyle. All my female family members (mom, sister and granny) have really short hair too. But I let it grow out again after a year because I never got it right like in the paper. I´ve always thought boys are much funnier than girls (comically) so I actually said "I wish I was a boy" because they seemed to have so much fun all the time and the girls in my class were quite bitchy then and they thought I was weird because I said so. I never thought about that statement again until now. I was jealous when the girls started to grow breasts but I don´t know if it was because I really wanted own breasts or if it was because I wanted to be normal.

I have always been bullied one way or another, mostly because of my shyness and insecurity. My guy friends suddenly started to bully me and they did things that made me hate boys. When I was 16 and started highschool there was only girls in my class and I felt such a huge relief. Now I cut my hair again because well, I prefer it short and it feels really "me". My clothing style has been everything from sportish to girlish and I´ve always liked make up, never too much though.

OK, so last year I went through a tough time in school (nurse education) and I started to have anxiety and couldn´t sleep at nights. Suddenly the thought "what if I´m gay" popped up and it caused me great anxiety and I went into depression, I lost weight and my grades dropped at school. At first I thought it was OCD with a gay-theme but I don´t think it was since I in the end actually liked some of the gay thoughts. I just hadn´t thought such thoughts earlier in my life since I had crushes on some boys when I was little so I thought that there was no possibility I was gay. I do check out girls in the changing rooms sometimes though out of curiosity. Now I think I might be bi/pansexual but I have no idea. I´m also a virgin and have never had any sexual experience due to a fear of intimacy.

I´ve always liked fantasy-movies like Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean. I always imagined myself to be one of the knights and fight with a sword and ride a horse. But at the same time I didn´t want to watch it unless there was a woman in it (or a lovestory).

Now I think I might be a boy trapped in a girls body, it would feel like a relief to be a boy but what bugs me is that there have never been sign that I really am, they have turned up just now. Before I used to sleep without clothes alot, now I can´t do that because I feel weird (dysphoria?). Sometimes it gets so bad so I can´t look at myself in the mirror. I can´t even wear feminine clothes now because it "feels wrong". But I don´t hate my body, never have and it makes me really depressed to say "I hate my body" or "I shouldn´t be this way" or "I hate these clothes". I don´t want to hate my body and I don´t know if I want to tell my parents because then it would feel like there´s no going back, I have to transition and everything. I think they would accept me though. I´m starting a new education this fall and I don´t want that to end up badly too.

I don´t sleep very much at night because this bugs me so and it´s worse during my cycle. I´m just thinking about the consequenses that would follow if I actually am trans. I force myself to m********te to thoughts of me with a penis but I don´t know if it´s arousal or anxiety. There´s no gender therapist and no LGBTQ-centre were I live (a town in Sweden).

Can you have dysphoria without knowing it or without hating your body?

Can denial work so you can go many years without knowing?


Sorry if this got very long but I would really appreciate if you took your time to read and answer this.

Cheers, JCS

[RyGuy]

forgive me if I'm off-base, but from your post I gather that you think you may be a male because of stereotypical interests. I will try to be polite, but essentially what I got from your post was "I think I might be a boy because I like sports and fantasy movies". obviously I can't TELL you what you are, but with all of the times you cited being comfortable with being female, I would venture to say no. gender identity is cemented by age 2 or 3, and while many transguys go through years of denial, they almost always know that something is wrong from a very early age. the one thing thing that tips me off is that you said you looked forward to getting breasts and such from female puberty. again I dislike making sweeping generalizations but you'd be hard pressed to find a guy on here who felt the same.

I feel like you may be going under a lot of stress right now and would not necessarily make a good decision about transition, especially with your (forgive me) seemingly weak reasons to do so. wait things out and try not to obsess. the best advice anyone can give about transition is "if you aren't about to commit suicide because you have to live one more day in the wrong body", don't transition. it is a huge and taxing process, and if i had felt like I could live any longer in a female body without killing myself, I wouldn't have transitions.

[Greg]

I agree with everything Ryan has said. I'll also add that just because you prefer having short hair and less feminine clothing doesn't mean you're trans, in fact it doesn't even mean that you're gay. Perhaps you're just discovering your own image rather than wearing clothing to please others. You say you have anxiety, maybe this could be related to fears about failing in your studies. Maybe you're giving yourself excuses for potential failure, eg. "I didn't get good grades because I was worried about being gay/trans".

Anxiety/depression etc are good enough reasons for discussing your feelings with a therapist, so consider this even if they are not a gender therapist.

[JCS]

Thank you for answering. I know the "reasons" are weak, it´s just this sudden uncomfortableness with sleeping without clothes, wearing girly clothes and having a "girly" voice. I didn´t like my voice before because it sounded too dark so I´ve spoken louder. And when I see my girl friends I feel like I´m not feminine enough, but if I dress too feminine I feel like a drag, I don´t feel like me. I´ve always enjoyed dressing out as "male figures" like Puss in boots and pirates on masquerades because they were so much funnier. It´s like I can´t accept it if it´s true. Because in the mornings sometimes when I wake up I think things like "Wow I belong in the men´changing rooms" or "I want a penis" like it is nothing and like you said, transition isn´t "nothing" but I don´t want to wake up because I know I will have anxiety. I may feel more relaxed as a man, but I would also feel ugly. It´s like I´m obsessed with being trans.

[Sharky]

A woman can be masculine, feminine, or anywhere in between. You don't need to match your friends level of femininity. If they give you grief over how you dress, your intrests, and what not, then they are not your friends. Against common belief, you don't have to grow out of being a tom boy. You don't have to be a man for it to be ok for you to like women or typical guy things. I'm pretty sure Pirates of the Caribbean is a chick flick anyway. I've never been comfortable sleeping naked. What if there was a fire! I think you need to work on accepting and being comfortable with yourself. There's no right way to be a woman. Don't let your friends try to tell you that there is, the and don't let them make you feel inferior.

[JohnAlex]

Can you have dysphoria without knowing it or without hating your body?

Can denial work so you can go many years without knowing?

Yes, and yes.

You remind me very much how I was a few years ago before I accepted that I am trans.  I didn't really see any signs. and I didn't want to be trans.  but I did think it would explain some things.  But I just did not know for sure.  So I thought about it.  And, yeah, it confused me like crazy, I didn't sleep well for years.  It was all I
thought about, "Am I transgendered?"   I felt I owed it to myself to get the bottom of it, to know for sure if I was or was not.
I would even lie in bed awake (trying to sleep) thinking about it.  and at some point, I would decide, "Yes, I think I am trans."  And then I could relax enough to sleep.  but then morning, I would jump out of bed, saying, "What in the world were you thinking?  we can't be trans!"
And then went on and on.  Until one day, I woke up the next morning and I didn't say that.

And the longer I have been since realizing that I am trans, the more I do actually see signs from my past.  I think you're not going to see what you're not looking for or what you don't understand.


But, here's my advice to you.  Think about it.  All the time you can, just think about it.  Ask yourself everyday, "Am I transgendered?"  Your subconscious knows.  and it needs to let you know.  One day, you can firmly answer that question with a yes or a no.

Also, it helped me to understand what transgenderedism is.  I actually watched a lot of youtube videos about everyday lives and feelings of transgendered persons.  and I would realize quite often, "That's me!"  But not always.  So yeah, I learning as much as you can about what it feels like to be transgendered would help you also decide if that is you or not.

I never had one "ah ha!" moment where I realized I was trans and everything made sense.  It's been a long process for me discovering this about myself.

[Darrin Scott]

I'd like to point out that people experience being transgendered in different ways. Not everyone feels so dysphoric that they'll kill themselves if they don't transition, but still are transgendered and would live a happier life if they do transition. We have to remember that being trans runs on a spectrum and everyone is different. Some people go on hormones and stuff and don't consider themselves FTM/MTF etc. I think we need to be careful about how we approach these threads.

JCS, No one can tell you if you're trans. That's up to you. Thinking about it long and hard is a good idea. Remember, a lot of the effects of hormones are permanent. If it's really pressing and you just can't figure it out, go see a therapist if you can to work out these feelings. Also remember that liking boy stuff and dressing as a male doesn't equal trans, either. Maybe try to see why you feel the way that you do. Like get to the root of it or whatever. It's up to you.

[JohnAlex]

Thank you for answering. I know the "reasons" are weak, it´s just this sudden uncomfortableness with sleeping without clothes, wearing girly clothes and having a "girly" voice. I didn´t like my voice before because it sounded too dark so I´ve spoken louder. And when I see my girl friends I feel like I´m not feminine enough, but if I dress too feminine I feel like a drag, I don´t feel like me. I´ve always enjoyed dressing out as "male figures" like Puss in boots and pirates on masquerades because they were so much funnier.

It´s like I can´t accept it if it´s true. Because in the mornings sometimes when I wake up I think things like "Wow I belong in the men´changing rooms" or "I want a penis" like it is nothing and like you said, transition isn´t "nothing" but I don´t want to wake up because I know I will have anxiety. I may feel more relaxed as a man, but I would also feel ugly. It´s like I´m obsessed with being trans.

I can still relate to how you're feeling here.  I was kind of obsessed with it too, lol.  For all my life, I felt like something was horribly, horribly wrong with me.  but I didn't have a clue what.  I was obsessed with learning about every kind of sex disorder, like all the different ways someone can be born intersex.  Actually, how I felt was that I wanted something to be wrong with me.  And that confused me.  I would ask myself, "Do you want something to be wrong with you?  Why would you want that?"
And I couldn't figure it out.  It was like I felt like something was wrong with me, but I know there's nothing wrong with my body.  It was perfectly healthy, and I am not intersex.  So I just felt more messed up for wanting something to be wrong with me, when clearly, there was nothing wrong.

I felt the same way around girls, too.  I felt much more comfortable around guys.  I could be myself.  but I felt like girls would just judge me that I wasn't enough of a girl.  And I don't think it was because I wanted to be enough of a girl.  I think it was because somewhere inside, I knew I wasn't a girl, and a part of me was afraid they would figure it out before I did.


I remember that for a long time I had ruled out the possibly that could be trans, because I thought that trans people like go away and get all this surgery and then come back and their family doesn't recognize them.  and I certainly wasn't ready for that.  but the more I learned about trans and all, the more I was able to see if it was me or not.


The other thing I want you to know if the variety of feelings that transgendered persons can feel about themsevles.  Some people hate themselves and their bodies.  Other people have a much easier time dealing with it.  and sometimes those feelings change and get worse or better. 
No one here can tell you if you are trans or not.  I don't think anyone here should even try to guess if you are or not.  Only you can realize the truth about yourself, and it will take time.  So be patient and don't freak out, lol.   You won't always be this confused.  eventually, you will discover for yourself.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I'd like to point out that people experience being transgendered in different ways. Not everyone feels so dysphoric that they'll kill themselves if they don't transition, but still are transgendered and would live a happier life if they do transition. We have to remember that being trans runs on a spectrum and everyone is different. Some people go on hormones and stuff and don't consider themselves FTM/MTF etc. I think we need to be careful about how we approach these threads.

JCS, No one can tell you if you're trans. That's up to you. Thinking about it long and hard is a good idea. Remember, a lot of the effects of hormones are permanent. If it's really pressing and you just can't figure it out, go see a therapist if you can to work out these feelings. Also remember that liking boy stuff and dressing as a male doesn't equal trans, either. Maybe try to see why you feel the way that you do. Like get to the root of it or whatever. It's up to you.

I agree with you.  JCS if it is really bothering you working with a gender specialist or therapist of some kind may help. 

[JCS]

Is there a possibility to change back if I don´t like the result? I still see myself as a girl and I feel more comfortable in girls company now because I feel more safe around girls, but maybe I will learn to see myself as a boy. I think I expect too much, that when/if I decide that I am a man then everything will go smoothly, the anxiety will be gone, my voice will be deeper, I will naturally want/like men´s clothes and I will sleep better etc. I´m scared I will change as a person and that I won´t get a job if I decide to go all the way.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Is there a possibility to change back if I don´t like the result? I still see myself as a girl and I feel more comfortable in girls company now because I feel more safe around girls, but maybe I will learn to see myself as a boy. I think I expect too much, that when/if I decide that I am a man then everything will go smoothly, the anxiety will be gone, my voice will be deeper, I will naturally want/like men´s clothes and I will sleep better etc. I´m scared I will change as a person and that I won´t get a job if I decide to go all the way.

Firstly, you really need to go to a therapist who deals with gender issues.  Phrases like "I still see myself as a girl" "Maybe I will learn to see myself as a boy" those lead me to believe that that you are not trans.  The question is when people call you she, your female name, assume things based on your birth sex, are you comfortable with that or do you feel like they are wrong and you can't stand being seen as female? 

As far as anxiety goes T doesn't just make it go away.  I have an anxiety disorder.  T has helped that but it has not made it completely non-existant. 

I will naturally want/like men´s clothes

what is this I don't even...

[Sharky]

If you see yourself as a girl, why would you want to live as a man? I don't think you are trans, but I do think therpy will beneficial. I was rereading your first post. You mentioned that some guys did things to you that made you hate men. I can only jump to conclusions, but these things are probably something you should seek help for.

[Darrin Scott]

Is there a possibility to change back if I don´t like the result? I still see myself as a girl and I feel more comfortable in girls company now because I feel more safe around girls, but maybe I will learn to see myself as a boy. I think I expect too much, that when/if I decide that I am a man then everything will go smoothly, the anxiety will be gone, my voice will be deeper, I will naturally want/like men´s clothes and I will sleep better etc. I´m scared I will change as a person and that I won´t get a job if I decide to go all the way.

I think you need to go see a therapist. Even if you aren't trans*, there might be a reason why you feel the way that you do and you should explore that. It is true that trans* men don't "learn" to like being men, but feel they naturally are.

[RyGuy]

It is true that trans* men don't "learn" to like being men, but feel they naturally are.

jcs, it sounds like you are having a rough time in your life right now and you should get some things figured out, but the fact that you are using phrases like "i might learn to like being a man" and "may start liking mens clothes" makes me cringe. do you think that we all just decided one day to throw everything away and begin a new life that we "might learn to like"? the very fact that you asked "could i transition back if i don't like the result" is also a huge red flag. if you are a man, which you and only you know deep inside, then why on earth would you ask that? it's true that you could technically resume presenting as female, but what are you asking for? if you weren't handsome enough or if all of your problems didn't magically float away then you'd look for another "explanation" for your problems?

sorry if i sound harsh but everything you've been saying are the exact types of things that us trans people have to fight to help people in the "outside world" understand us. we didn't just wake up one day and decide to be a man to see if our problems would go away. we didn't do this because we all like sports and action movies and thought being a man "made more sense" with our interests. in fact, some of the trans guys here are more feminine than a lot of women i know, and they are very comfortable that way. we didn't "become" men because we like having short hair, because a lot of us wouldn't get a buzz cut if you paid us. a lot of us wear pink and have anxiety issues post-transition. we have problems just like everyone else, and oftentimes extra problems that transitioning has brought upon us and our families. but we did it because he had to in order to be able to live the lives we know we should have always had. and again, i'll mention that i've never met a trans guy who looked forward to getting breasts "like all the other girls". we aren't girls, and getting breasts was mortifying. we work for years and pay thousands of dollars to have them removed. and for the record, i f-ing love sleeping naked.

go see a therapist, and tell her the truth. try to find out what's really bothering you. spending extra time, money, and energy becoming something that you're not is going to create a lot more problems than it solves.

[JCS]

Look, I´m really sorry if I have offended anyone. I have absolutely nothing against transgendered or LGBTQ people in general. I´m just scared because this is all so new to me and I just want to ask questions. I´ve been reading a few threads here with people doubting like me. A few days ago me and my parents went in a car and I suddenly felt this feeling of calm sweeping over me when I thought of myself as a man, and it was just like my voice went naturally deeper and I felt so relaxed. It´s just like all tension was gone. But I had to hide it from my parents then and I think I´m subconciously denying myself alot because it´s not always like the way I described before. The problem is I´m too much of a thinking person and have to analyse every feeling and every thought that I have. I get anxiety in the night because then it´s dark and just me and my body. But I will go see a therapist (can´t get a gender one though since I don´t have one nearby) and first try to treat the anxiety and depression.

[wheat thins are delicious]

After you have your anxiety and depression taken care of you should talk to your therapist about gender issues (if you are still having them).  A regular therapist could still help/have experience with such things. 

[RyGuy]

After you have your anxiety and depression taken care of you should talk to your therapist about gender issues (if you are still having them).  A regular therapist could still help/have experience with such things.

this

[MaxAloysius]

I'd like to take a moment to say you don't have to know your trans from a very young age. I showed few signs of being trans before I was a teen, and I had no idea myself. I was relatively comfortable living as a female for about 12-13 years of my life. It's different for everyone, and I resent the idea of anyone telling me I'm not trans because I haven't know it since I was 4.