How do you feel ?

[caseyy]

I'm sorry to hear that. I have male family members who treat the female members like ->-bleeped-<-. It's definitely not fair that they can get away with treating other people that way. I hope you and your mom are feeling better soon. *hug*

All in all I am OK, I have a delicious chicken wrap, playing on the Wii, just taking it easy. I have a paper due Monday though so eventually I'll have to turn on just enough stress to get motivated.

[Julian]

I'm spiraling again. Booze and Klonopin. Parents have stopped being willing to talk about transition outside a therapist's office. Then they ask why I'm upset and I can't tell them anything.

It seems like they'll be willing to be helpful as soon as that doesn't entail paying for anything. Once I've downed enough psych meds to be able to hold a job and pay for my surgery and hormones, they'll totally have my back. They'd love to help me transition once I'm done with it.

I get this anger welling up. I'm not saying I get angry, just anger. It gets all bottled up until it ferments into self-hatred and the only thing I can do is cry and cause myself pain. Ican't remember the last time I was actually angry.

[MarinaM]

I'm spiraling again. Booze and Klonopin. Parents have stopped being willing to talk about transition outside a therapist's office. Then they ask why I'm upset and I can't tell them anything.

It seems like they'll be willing to be helpful as soon as that doesn't entail paying for anything. Once I've downed enough psych meds to be able to hold a job and pay for my surgery and hormones, they'll totally have my back. They'd love to help me transition once I'm done with it.

I get this anger welling up. I'm not saying I get angry, just anger. It gets all bottled up until it ferments into self-hatred and the only thing I can do is cry and cause myself pain. Ican't remember the last time I was actually angry.

But wait, sometimes transition is the cure! I know it's mine. It's even harder when you feel inflicting pain upon yourself is a decent idea (been there, the self worth = 0 thing). Please hang on, life gets better.

[Julian]

I know it's my cure too. I just don't have any way of financing it, and my parents won't help out financially until I can pay for it myself. Paradox. They won't even let me apply for loans or anything. I did anyway, but if I get it they'll do their damnedest to stop me. I guess I don't understand why they won't help or let me do it on my own. But they want me to do it on my own. They claim to be all supportive, then hold back every little thing I actually need.

In other news, my partner isn't willing to talk about it with me anymore either. I'm down to seeing the person I pay to talk to me, for 45 minutes a week. If I feel like ->-bleeped-<- at a time that's not Tuesday at noon, well, I'm outta luck now.

[MarinaM]

I know it's my cure too. I just don't have any way of financing it, and my parents won't help out financially until I can pay for it myself. Paradox. They won't even let me apply for loans or anything. I did anyway, but if I get it they'll do their damnedest to stop me. I guess I don't understand why they won't help or let me do it on my own. But they want me to do it on my own. They claim to be all supportive, then hold back every little thing I actually need.

In other news, my partner isn't willing to talk about it with me anymore either. I'm down to seeing the person I pay to talk to me, for 45 minutes a week. If I feel like ->-bleeped-<- at a time that's not Tuesday at noon, well, I'm outta luck now.

Well, if you haven't found me annoying and deleted me from FB yet, you can PM me, I check it pretty often. I'll get you my e-mail.

[caseyy]

Not that what your parents are doing is right or good for your health, but I figure their reasoning is probably that they're in denial and this is a way to "test" if you really "want" it...if you're willing to save up the cash. Again, totally screwed up and shows a complete lack of understanding about what it means to be a transperson...that's just my attempt at explaining why I guess.

Why is your partner no longer willing to talk about it? I got the impression that he was very supportive.

*hug* You can talk to me too, if you want/need. I don't always post but I check here every day and will see any messages.

[Julian]

Thanks, you guys. it's nice to know that there are still people who care.

My partner... I don't know. He's been wonderfully supportive, offered to help out financially once he was able, then he decided he couldn't handle it. I don't know if he needs a break from it, or from me, or if he's going the way of my parents. He seems okay with my presence as long as I don't show a hint of depression or neediness.

[Julian]

Also, ->-bleeped-<- my parents and their tests. I've saved for five years and am halfway there, and they wonder if I want it.

[caseyy]

My family tests me too...my aunt says things like "well, why haven't you moved out yet if you want it so bad? Why didn't you drop out of uni?" and then when I have an idea of how much I'll have to earn "oh, you'll need at least $2500 a month to even barely make it." Lol. I know people who make it on half that.

I'm feeling pretty sad right now myself, thinking it will never happen. I just tell myself that in terms of how my family behaves, it's not about me. Their dumbass questions, tests, comments, cruelty...it's all about them. Trying to manage their own denial. Constantly seeking signs that it won't happen, trying to get me caught in the mind game so I seem "confused." Nothing they say or do can change my path, no matter how long it takes me to get there.

On the plus side I smell nice, and itunes has an option to re-download songs now if you lose them.

[caseyy]

Also, dysphoria is super weird. I hate my boobs, i'd do anything to have top surgery, and yet. I feel less dysphoric sitting topless around the house than I do when I'm binding. No one's home, it's rather lovely.

[MarinaM]

I'm kinda weird like that too. I was all proud of my newly developing breasts then I took off my sports bra and sat on the bed - felt weird, just for a moment. They're new. Never had the family thing though, as I was always willing to pay out of pocket, and I actually hurt myself a bit in suppression.

[Sevan]

I am so upset for your situation Julian. I wish I could just send you some T but I know it's not so easy as that.
Casey I totally get that! I used to really pay such close attention to my chest when bound, that it was the opisite of what I was shooting for. Sitting naked means I don't have to choose between female/male clothes. Just me in my skin and that's it and it does feel better.

[Julian]

I'm so frustrated with my parents. I was texting my mom and she said I needed to do more to prove I'm serious about my mental health before she'll consider helping me. I asked her what I needed to do, and apparently that distressed her so much she couldn't continue the conversation. Oh, and apparently I'm being a manipulative bitch by deciding to cancel my spontaneous visit home because being around them is upsetting to me right now.

[caseyy]

Apparently, we need to keep up really feminine pictures of me up at my grandma's house (which are over 5 years old, and I'm 22) because to put up one with short hair...well we can't 'DO' that to my younger cousins when they come to visit. Yeah, like they never f*ing see me with short hair in person.

[Julian]

I'm sorry, Caseyy. That reminds me of my mom. Her office at work is full of pictures of my sister and me from when we both had really long hair. My senior and graduation pictures and the like. Though now that I think of it, those were some of the most recent times I got dressed up and had nice pictures taken. Could that be a reason, maybe? If you went to a studio and got nice portraits taken, might they be worthy of display?

[Julian]

Today I can do this. Based on a bit of note-taking and hurried calculations, it appears I'm probably on track to graduate from college at some point in 2013. That's, like, pretty much next year. And I know what I'll be doing after that too. It's like I actually have a life ahead of me.

[caseyy]

They are professional. They had a photography group on campus and my mom paid like $75 to get nice pictures. Oh well, my other grandma will put them up at her house, because she actually hates the old one she has. And, as for the other one, she might change her mind - I know she was upset because they called my "new" name at the convocation instead of the female name.

That's excellent. It's such a good feeling when things seem to be falling into place, and there's a path towards future things. College can be a huge setback with transition, since classes suck up so much time and money, but once it's done the rewards are worth it. What are you studying again?

I'm going to attempt to cut my own hair today. The horrors. Every time I go to a hair place, even a barber, they charge me $10 more because I'm a "woman" even though I'm getting the men's style cut. And I don't really want to contest it with them because it would seem fantastically petty.

[Julian]

I've cut my own hair for a year. Mostly just a one-length thing with the clippers. A few weeks ago I tried to give myself a longer-on-top men's-style cut, and accidentally gave myself a bit of an undercut. 

I'm transferring from psychology to pre-pharmacy. It's a bit of a relief, because psych is so open-ended in terms of career choices and I didn't know what to choose. Yet I'm nervous, because I still have that feeling that I don't quite know what I want to be when I grow up. Eep.

My mom came to my therapy appointment. We got nothing accomplished. I'm thoroughly pissed off.

[MarinaM]

Julian, sent you a message on fb.


I feel warm. Courtesy of liquor di limone verdello, straight out of the freezer. Think I'll visit the limencello next. Oh, Bella!

[Sevan]

That's awesome Julian!!