How do you feel ?

[caseyyy]

Completely lost my temper. got into a fist fight. Not sure if I won or lost.

But more mellow now. All this built up anger, issues, it's just a sign I need to take action and alter my course. Or else things will be this way forever and I'll have no one to blame but myself.

After I finish my coursework for tomorrow that's exactly what I'm going to do, create a map for the next couple of months and start making things better.

[Joeyboo~ :3]

I've become apart of this ranting family.


I fell asleep.
With makeup on, that's really one of my pet peeves when others do it.
it was devastating for me.

Also missed my estradiol pill.
Life can't forget to pinch my ass every now and then.

[R3i]

tired and annoyed its too cold in here to sleep

[Kinkly]

tired and annoyed its too cold in here to sleep

I'm having the opposite problem too hot to sleep and sleeping with aircon on means waking up feeling dry and yuck but too hot without it

[caseyyy]

Lots of anger bubbling beneath the surface. Only had to spend 3 minutes talking to her for that to happen.

[espo]

You talking about grandma    

This morning I felt pretty positive, worked like a bugger and made some excellent tips. 

[caseyyy]

No, I was talking about my mom this time. In retrospect, I may have over-reacted. I dunno. In any case, it made it impossible for me to get anything done at home.

Debating whether to go home and sleep for a few hours, then come back and finish off the work, or to just keep plugging away. I could also sleep on the couch, but I'd be too embarrassed if I was caught.

[espo]

I feel asleep in the library once. Weird feeling waking up with strangers sitting be side you.

[Pica Pica]

I fell asleep in a university computer room once, I had typed a lot with my forehead and been a little sick on the spacebar. I had also written to my parents about 'eechin chixchem'.

[espo]

The good ole days, huh

[caseyyy]

Ex said something that I took really hard. I don't know if I'm justified in being hurt; I drew implications from it that may not have been there. I can't really bring it up though. We both know our relationship is off bounds for discussion, it just makes everyone hurt. So instead I'm sitting here crying it out. At first I was angry at my tears, because I hate having one 'weak spot' in my armour and I feel like it should be gone by now.

But it is what it is. I opened myself up to love, trusted someone with my heart and my body after both had been abused. And I felt love, and for the time we were together she treated my heart and body with the respect they deserved. But it didn't work, and I lost love, so of course I can be sad. It's  a logical emotional response. Emotions will always be there, in their pleasant and unpleasant forms, what matters most is that I handle them with as much grace, composure, and clarity as I possibly can.

I'm so proud of myself. Even a few months ago something like this would have totally thrown me off course for weeks. I handle my emotions so much better than I ever thought possible. Even now, when I'm pre-menstrual.  I owe a lot of it to finding the right type of therapy for me, though.

[smooth]

Today I feel like Vyvyan in the clip
Bloody! Bloody! Bloody! WHERE'S MY CRICKET BAT GONE 
Roll on spring....

[Kinkly]

Wow Young ones thanks I remember watching many videos of young ones with a group of friends back in my teens

[Julian]

I have a date set for top surgery, and it's freaking me out. As much as I want it, I'm afraid I might be making some sort of horrible mistake. Then again, not getting it would probably be a worse mistake. I'm just not sure.

I really don't think I deserve to be complaining about this.

[YinYanga]

Dissapointed in myself that I get so irritated so quickly at small things, especially regarding gender

Just two small things annoyed me today but left me somewhat numb and tired when I kept thinking about it: First was someone who said something about the food I made yesterday and that some men can cook good, so meant as a compliment ...but from the inside I was boiling again because I dont even want to hear that term 'man' used for me. Shoo, get lost, I felt like glaring but said nothing and stared in front of me while the other people ( all women) discussed their bf/hubbies' cooking. The second moment was at my new volunteery work (care centre for elderly people with alzheimers/dementia) where I had a conversation about the work times while walking in the hallway to the exit and she said "Well you are a young man and we could use you here, there are too few of you!", similingly .  I closed my eyes for a second and wondered if this horror would ever be over 

Ofcourse these people don't know about my issues but I always hope people can see 'it' without me tellling them...i know it's silly :\ (Some people do actually mention or ask about my sexuality, feminine appeal when they meet me but most don't, so some are just more sensitive or indifferent about it I think )

Short version: I'm being unreasonable again 

[YinYanga]

I have a date set for top surgery, and it's freaking me out. As much as I want it, I'm afraid I might be making some sort of horrible mistake. Then again, not getting it would probably be a worse mistake. I'm just not sure.

I really don't think I deserve to be complaining about this.

I have that on a daily basis aswell dear, but for me it's about feminizing my face for example just by taking hormones, or the breasts and wearing bra's. What if I make a horrible mistake....the thought of it makes me feel shivering. It's a bit weird of me because the closer I get to getting them by therapy and the more people I tell about my feelings the fears get a little worse, I didnt expect that at all (and I dont like it)

So it's normal (or so I heard) to have these fears and doubts, because your life is going to change!

[mm]

Julian, I think it is good that you concerned about top surgery.  It shows that you thinking it through and fully understand what is happen.  I think I am ready, I sure dislike my chest ever morning when I shower and get dressed.

[Pica Pica]

Full.

[foosnark]

Today I moved from the quiet of vacation to the chaos of being back at work.  Not really a bad thing, since I no longer have to ask myself what to do with my time.  Still, it's quite a change from "this game is boring, I think I'll go play with the dogs and then do some qi gong and have a nap" to "here are the 7 top -priority bug fixes for today... no, 8... 9... also pretend you are a manager and talk to one of the newer programmers on the east coast... did you look at her code too?"  (Can I add she has a freaking PhD and I should be getting her to tell me what's wrong with my code?)

[caseyyy]

I have a date set for top surgery, and it's freaking me out. As much as I want it, I'm afraid I might be making some sort of horrible mistake. Then again, not getting it would probably be a worse mistake. I'm just not sure.

I really don't think I deserve to be complaining about this.

Sounds like normal apprehension about a big change, even if it is something you want. You've been gunning for this for ages, something that would be unlikely if it was truly a horrible mistake.

I just finished an appointment with my counsellor. We had to plan another session; a lot came up and I gave her a better idea of what I'm dealing with, but as for plans, none. Just homework and some worksheets for the time being. She mentioned that I seem very strong, and that I apparently have a distortion as to how I present. I feel like others see me as weak, passive, someone they can step all over, but she says I come off confident, make appropriate eye contact, and am well-spoken, direct, and matter-of-fact. I suppose that's true some of the time.