kinda given up

[LilKittyCatZoey]

well lets see recently i had a talk with a friend who well put me into reality. she doesn't know about me so i finally got a more accurate description of myself. she pretty pointed out how i have these extremely masculine features like my shoulders are much broader than any other guy my height , my huge Adams apple and large wide hands to name a few. she then went on to state i am lucky i ain't a girl i would look ugly and you know what i can't fight that. i have always been sad tried suicide but am scared of dying which i only realised when trying to kill myself. i simply can't take the pain who am i fooling i am a girl but i will never look like one my whole body is ugly and i am constantly asked why do i hate myself so much and well i just stopped hoping. i have tried but i looked at myself in the mirror and burst into tears, i just can't take it anymore ...

sorry about this i just had to tell someone i mean i lost all the friends i told so i just needed tell someone. please don't insult any grammar issues i typed this in tears .

thank you for reading
zoey the cat lady 

[JungianZoe]

Z girls can't fall apart!

As someone who's also recently been struggling with suicidal depression, I want to give you a promise that things work out if you just get through this moment.  And when it comes to your physical attributes, you'd be shocked at how much people overlook!  You say you have broad shoulders, well mine are totally square.  Skinny and bony, but still square.  Large hands, eh?  I haven't met anyone not playing professional or college basketball who had hands bigger than mine.  They're longer than the hands on my 6'4" cousin.  Oh, and almost every one of my finger joints has small little hairs on them.  Still, women have admired my rings, looking at my massive hairy hands from 3" away, and never showed any sign that they had read me.

You would be SHOCKED at how many little things hormones can change.  I remember what your face looks like and I think your transition will be smooth when it comes to the general public, even if your "friends" are being idiots right now.  Find the inner strength inside of yourself.  You're a woman and we women are tough as balls.  That's what I tell myself when I feel I'm acting weak.  One of my girlfriends told me that once and it stuck.   We're fierce and fabulous, so channel that strength and that power!  You can get through this rough patch.

Whatever you do, don't ever give up on the rest of your life.  And when you need to let it out, we're all here for you.

[Padma]

I just want to say something a friend told me years ago:

"How you see yourself is just a habit, not a definition - it's all up for grabs!"

Your body (and mind and heart) are young and have plenty of room to change yet. Courage, me deario xx

[madirocks]

Padma and Zoe said it perfectly.

Long range hug! Don't give up, sis. Have courage, and keep moving forward. Don't let what others say stop you.

[LilKittyCatZoey]

thanks girl but its hard i am alone young and alone! my forum name suits me well cuz i haven't been invited out and no one wants to hang out with me for 3 months give or take a few days, so i say home with four cats and no comfort. when a person does talk to me they say i am gay and walk away or think i am too much to handle finding Susans helped but it seems all those smiles i got from here have been torn from my heart and i have been kicked to the corner to suffer. i just don't know how to cope anymore

[caitlin_adams]

HRT Works. You're young enough for it to have mega good effects.

[JungianZoe]

thanks girl but its hard i am alone young and alone! my forum name suits me well cuz i haven't been invited out and no one wants to hang out with me for 3 months give or take a few days, so i say home with four cats and no comfort. when a person does talk to me they say i am gay and walk away or think i am too much to handle finding Susans helped but it seems all those smiles i got from here have been torn from my heart and i have been kicked to the corner to suffer. i just don't know how to cope anymore

You have to learn how to diffuse a situation, which isn't an easy skill to acquire.  Your friends have been idiots, and maybe classmates have been idiots too, but that doesn't reflect on who YOU are.  That reflects on them and their own ignorance.  Own you who are and love that person.

Just yesterday, a friend of mine called me up and said that, on what was only her second day of school, there was a huge rumor going around that she was engaged to a 40-year old guy.  She was freaking out, and I reminded her that dumb people were just being dumb, and that if she wanted them to shut them up, she should turn around and say, calmly, that they were wrong.  I told her to tell them she was really engaged to a 33-year old transwoman and see how fast they shut up.   It wasn't serious advice, but just to make her smile and remind her that stupid people just do stupid things to boost themselves at the expense of others.  But you have to love yourself for who you are and NOT let the naysayers win!

[LilKittyCatZoey]

You have to learn how to diffuse a situation, which isn't an easy skill to acquire.  Your friends have been idiots, and maybe classmates have been idiots too, but that doesn't reflect on who YOU are.  That reflects on them and their own ignorance.  Own you who are and love that person.

Just yesterday, a friend of mine called me up and said that, on what was only her second day of school, there was a huge rumor going around that she was engaged to a 40-year old guy.  She was freaking out, and I reminded her that dumb people were just being dumb, and that if she wanted them to shut them up, she should turn around and say, calmly, that they were wrong.  I told her to tell them she was really engaged to a 33-year old transwoman and see how fast they shut up.   It wasn't serious advice, but just to make her smile and remind her that stupid people just do stupid things to boost themselves at the expense of others.  But you have to love yourself for who you are and NOT let the naysayers win!

haha but i have been told i know nothing a teenager should and its true i went through my teens now almost finished with then knowing nothing ... i missed out on so much ... and ppl say stuff a lot worse about me:(

HRT Works. Your young enough for it to have mega good effects.

would be true if i didn't start puberty at around 9 and have enough hair to be classified a ape...

[LilKittyCatZoey]

Zoey:: I know it hurts to hear these things from a friend that you know are wrong. Here's the thing:: She doesn't know they're wrong, either. You said she doesn't know about you. One thing girl friends do for guy friends is try to compliment them on their masculinity because most guys want that. In fact, I'll bet she was exaggerating any masculinity she saw in your features because she had no reason to think it wouldn't make you feel better. Most guys WANT to hear that they could never be mistaken for a girl... she just doesn't know that that's not what you want to hear.

And Zoe is right... I remember your pictures, too, and you'll be fine. Don't give up, sweetie.

normally girls do but see she may not know but one thing she does know is i h8 looking manly she says i am weird that way and only well cuz i was dumb enough to ask her honest opinion did she say

[madirocks]

thanks girl but its hard i am alone young and alone! my forum name suits me well cuz i haven't been invited out and no one wants to hang out with me for 3 months give or take a few days, so i say home with four cats and no comfort. when a person does talk to me they say i am gay and walk away or think i am too much to handle finding Susans helped but it seems all those smiles i got from here have been torn from my heart and i have been kicked to the corner to suffer. i just don't know how to cope anymore

I can totally understand! I've been in the same predicament for three years now, except I only have a dog to comfort me hehe. I'm sorry I cannot be there in person to talk to you, but myself and others are here for you whenever you want to talk.

[Constance]

Zoey, I'm almost 42 years old, am 2.5 months into HRT, and am beginning to notice the curve of breast starting.

In women's tops, I need an 18-20 to accommodate my shoulders, whereas my hips are barely wide enough to hold a size 14 on. I'm 6 feet tall and 185 pounds. My beard is being beaten into submission with laser, and good razors help in between.

There are mirrors in my house. I know what I look like. I can pass in the dark in front of somebody with lousy eyesight. I've got what my daughter affectionately calls a "butt-chin" and a good sized adam's apple. It's not overly large, though. My younger brother looks like he has an elbow in his neck.

For me, the goal of transition is not beauty, but wholeness. My marriage of 23 years is ending as I pursue this wholeness. So, this wholeness is not something I've chosen lightly. It's likely I'll never be beautiful.

What is your goal? Focus on that and ignore what the naysayers offer.

I'm here for you, and many others are, too.

[LilKittyCatZoey]

Zoey, I'm almost 42 years old, am 2.5 months into HRT, and am beginning to notice the curve of breast starting.

In women's tops, I need an 18-20 to accommodate my shoulders, whereas my hips are barely wide enough to hold a size 14 on. I'm 6 feet tall and 185 pounds. My beard is being beaten into submission with laser, and good razors help in between.

There are mirrors in my house. I know what I look like. I can pass in the dark in front of somebody with lousy eyesight. I've got what my daughter affectionately calls a "butt-chin" and a good sized adam's apple. It's not overly large, though. My younger brother looks like he has an elbow in his neck.

For me, the goal of transition is not beauty, but wholeness. My marriage of 23 years is ending as I pursue this wholeness. So, this wholeness is not something I've chosen lightly. It's likely I'll never be beautiful.

What is your goal? Focus on that and ignore what the naysayers offer.

I'm here for you, and many others are, too.

hmmm my hips are getting very wide at 2months but yea maybe just crazy imagination...

my goal become a girl(i won't lie i want to be half as good looking of a girl as i am as a boy but that's way unlikely) live like a bit,go crazy marry and have one or 2 kids.

[Forever21Chic]

    Zoe please do NOT even think about suicide!    I don't really know you that well but the thought of another transwoman taking their own life brings me to tears, suicide is not the answer. I know how you feel & we're all there with you, you're not alone.  You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you, don't give up on what makes you happy.    




     

[jamie nicole]

some advice I can offer will hopefully help.  society in general places too much emphasis on beauty.  how many times do we see a commercial or ad where the subject is drop dead gorgeous?  Or, to make it worse, those ads and commercials will be altered to make the subject even more appealing.
The trick is this:  get to a point in your mentality where you just dont give a $hit about what other people say, think or do....live your life for you and you only.  Rude comments will often be made and eventually you'll become immune to them.  Once you become comfortable inside your own skin, you wont care about what others say or think.  Beauty is only skin deep.
hope this helps

[Adabelle]

Hey girl. You know I used to be totally afraid of transition. I had a thousand excuses about this and that about my body and it held me back. I'm 34 years old and you know what, I'd give just about anything to be able to go back and transition at a younger age - even if I was taller, and broader shoulders, and bigger hands or whatever. There are a thousand women on this forum who would trade places with you in a second - all of us do the best we can do with what we were given.

Go to the local Walmart or Costco, or grocery store (or downtown if you have one) and find a place to sit and watch the women. There are ALL KINDS of women out there. I mean really observe, really notice them. Since starting transition the world has come alive as I've realized the HUGE diversity within femininity.

Once I got over my fear of being a tall and broad shouldered woman - it let me start living my life myself, as me. This is the body I was given - there is SO MUCH that you can do over time to find the right expression of femininity for you. There are cis-girls out there that are bigger than you - it's guaranteed. Just wake up, and choose to live your life for you. When you do, you can find happiness.

Think about why it is that so many of the older women in this forum (including me) would DO ANYTHING to have been able to transition sooner, to know what you know about yourself and have the courage to be talking to people about it. It's because we know the power of youth, of the huge flexibility in your body, and the countless possibilities for a young person's life, of the hugely powerful effect HRT has on a young body.

Don't throw away your life over something a friend said. We all say stupid things from time to time, she might have been trying to "build you up" because maybe she thought you needed to hear someone tell you that you were a very manly man. Don't take things as gospel truth. Instead, figure out who you are, what you want, and then live your life.

You will do fine. If you want it, you will have it. Do not waste these precious years because of your fears of not passing. This path is difficult for everyone - but you have plenty of examples of people here who overcame the odds and succeeded.

[jainie marlena]

I just wanted say something to you. I lost someone back in 2006. My sister which at the time I thoouht was my brother. I never told her about me thinking I would be rejected by him. (Strange how I thought I would be rejected by him. no doubt she felt that I would reject her.)All I think about is we could have helped each other if I had spoken up. I am doing this first for me secoundly for my sister. My sister in gone but you are still here. You may feel alone but your not. I would give anything to be able to say that to her but I can't. But I am saying it to you. Stick around just maybe we will meet face to face. We can get a cup of coffee and talk about how we changed the world.

[versuchsanordnung]

Hey Zoë,

dont give up. Take it from someone who knows suicidal depression very well: it is temporary. Not what your life is made of. Zoë natasha put it perfectly, she knows what she is talking about. I know it is hard but it can be done. You are strong enough to do it.

For me acceptance was  a great help with my body issues. Yes, i am unhappy with my body, is does not represent who i am. But i have acceptet it as raw material. Its what i have to work with. Long way to go, tons of work to do, still having to figure out how to represent myself, tons of insecurities, but still better than the mental block before.

Remote hugs!

[Nero]

normally girls do but see she may not know but one thing she does know is i h8 looking manly she says i am weird that way and only well cuz i was dumb enough to ask her honest opinion did she say

Hi Zoey, I agree with the others that your friend was probably exaggerating (you looked pretty small to me in your pic). She may know you say you hate that but if she doesn't know you're trans she may still think you just need to hear how manly you look. Especially if you come off as less masculine, she probably assumes you need a self-esteem boost. But even if she was entirely accurate, HRT will do a lot. Especially at your age. You can eventually get your adam's apple removed. And there are plenty of women with larger bone structures (I was one). It's not going to stop you from being a beautiful woman.
Hang in there, little kitty cat. 

[MarinaM]

Yes, David Attenborough slept in that bed.



8 months of hair growth, 4 months of persistence and HRT. So what if it's not a definitive pass? It's progress.

What your friend said is exactly what one of my friends said about me too. I ignored them and now I don't know where they are or how to get a hold of them. Good riddance.

[Joelene9]

Zoey,
  With all of the good advice above, I cannot add much.  Try transisitioning at age 58!  This after a long lifetime of nasty mood swings and depression.  I am still presenting as male, my less than B cup boobs stick out through my shirt more conic than other gynocomastic males my age, but some of them have C cuppers!  That seems not to be fair when those guys who don't want them are bigger than I who do want them.  I have to be satisfied with my smaller ones.   The sum of the changes I've gotten thus far makes up for the deficit in those other areas.  Like someone mentioned that she still have hair on her knuckles, caused me to look at mine.  The hair, their.....gone!  The age spots in the back of the hands are much less pronounced, they went from brown to pink!  Still some hair on the back of the hands though.  No hair on my feet!  I am no longer Ogg!   Have hope girl!
  Joelene, former Neanderthal!