Hi
Ok, here goes... I will try to make this as short as I can so not bore anyone too much.
I am currently a 36 year old male and I live with my partner of 10 years who is also male. However I know deep down inside that I am female. I love feminine things, I would love to wear make-up, wear nice clothes and feel confident with my femininity. I have always had a hang up about my physical sexuality which has caused no end of conflict in my relationship (being labelled as fridgid by my bf) or (not a normal gay guy) due to my disinterest in sex with him.
But, there is one thing that perhaps does make me different from others on here. I have started the MtF transition before. I began hormone therapy when i was just 17 years old. The change was very quick and after just 6 moths i was completely androgynous and then after 1 year totally passable as a girl. I had long chesnut brown hair, I was pretty and would get woof whistled by guys etc! I do not lie. The change was almost too much too quick. I was shy, naive, self conscious and very very lonely. I had another TS friend, but she was too intense for me and often left me feeling totally confused . I was seeing Dr Russell Reid at the time and he told me I was lucky because of the way I looked but I often wondered if I should have waited and had a little life experience first, so i could cope with the stress and agony the transition can bring.
I ceased my hormone therapy 2 years after I had started. I felt quite depressed and confused. However one of the main reasons for quitting was my health. The treatment made me so unwell. I always felt nauseous and would be sick nearly every day. I felt fatigued and totally washed out. I was taking ethyniyloestradiol but moved to patches to reduce the sickness. However the patches made my breasts rock hard and sore. When i finally came off hormones my body reverted back to male within 6-8 weeks.
Through my councellor i met a guy who was gay and he introduced me to the world of gay men. This made me feel wanted and accepted. I also felt well and confident again. Despite this, ever since I know the girl in me has never left and this hurts very much. I do wish someone could wave a magic wand and make me the girl I want to be. My home is full of Cath Kidson decor and I love pretty things. I would love to paint my nails and style my hair. I am not cross dressing or anything as this is not currently important to me. I need to be physically a woman to feel right in female clothes.
I have a career (occupational therapist), a partner, a home, a mortgage etc etc. I am 36 now and know the clock is ticking. In July I had my first consultation with a gender specialist in London and I am due to go back in October for a review. I am having therapy via a counsellor and I have started laser hair removal. I want ot be ready for HRT when and If I decide to move forward with this.
Thanks
Jamie (Jenna) x
