MTF, want to come out to my SO

[kristin?]

I've only been a member for a few days, but reading all the testimonials and whatnot of all you others who went through the same thing I'm going through made me really want to come out asap so I can start going down the road to full feminization. The first step in that is coming out to my girlfriend, and I honeyly have no idea how she's going to take it
How many of you were in my situation, with a girlfriend/wife who doesn't know, but you want them to? How did you break it to them?
Also, do you think I should start with the CD'ing, and tell her about my gender confusion later after she's had some time to et used to it, or tell her all of it at once? I appreciate all the insight I know y'all can provide!

[Hikari]

I went really slow, and totally messed it up when I first told my wife Apparently not everyone knows or understands what gender identity is or how big of a deal it is. The second time around I explained to her in detail and even showed her some of my posts, and journal entries so that she could see this dates back a great many years, it wasn't some spur of the moment thing.

To sum it up I learned 3 things:

1. Don't try and drop hints, she will think you are gay.

2. Don't apologize for who you are you have done nothing wrong.

3. Be prepared to defend the fact you feel this way, lots of people have told me I didn't seem at all feminine to them and then I show them what I was thinking and explain the facts (after all I did meet my wife in a pair of size 9 tight leather pants with a top I borrowed from my brothers GF, was wearing eye shadow, mascara, foundation, and eyeliner, had hair down to my waist, painted nails, etc. Yes, the perfect image of masculinity lol). I was shocked that I needed to show people pictures of the past, to let them see the reality of it, but people remember things how they want to, rather than how it really happened.

[kristin?]

Well I'm sure glad for that first tip! I'm very nonconfrontational, so dropping hints is something I do a lot, and had actually started to do :\
She is typically a very understanding and open-minded person, but something like this would be quite a shocker for anyone tbh. Maybe she'll disapprove,  maybe she'll wanna dress and make me up soon as I tell her (which is what I'm hoping for), who knows? :p
The hard part will just be getting myself to tell her. I'm good with words, I'm just not good at getting them started

[Cen]

Late last year I was reaching that point with my SO.  We had been together for a few years, and I really wanted her to know and accept every part of me.  After having several drinks one night we were talking in bed, and I filled her in on everything.  It definitely confused her at first, but she has remained accepting and supportive since then. 

At the time I felt like there was nothing I could do about it, even after having told her.  So, I spent several more months acting like nothing had to change.  I was terrified to even try for a lot of reasons.  Most were easily pushed aside, but risking our relationship was hard for me.  In the end I just had to accept that doing what is right for me might result in us going our separate ways.  I went to a therapist and finally made it100% clear to my SO that I need to transition.

So far things have gone better than expected.  It's just hard to take that first step, not knowing how someone is going to react.

[kristin?]

Late last year I was reaching that point with my SO.  We had been together for a few years, and I really wanted her to know and accept every part of me.  After having several drinks one night we were talking in bed, and I filled her in on everything.  It definitely confused her at first, but she has remained accepting and supportive since then. 

At the time I felt like there was nothing I could do about it, even after having told her.  So, I spent several more months acting like nothing had to change.  I was terrified to even try for a lot of reasons.  Most were easily pushed aside, but risking our relationship was hard for me.  In the end I just had to accept that doing what is right for me might result in us going our separate ways.  I went to a therapist and finally made it100% clear to my SO that I need to transition.

So far things have gone better than expected.  It's just hard to take that first step, not knowing how someone is going to react.

That's the thing that worries me the most, she's my everything, and I love her to death, and I know she loves me, but this would be a lot for anyone to take in. That's why I'm thinking about just telling her I like to dress up first, and tell her about my desire to transition later, but I just don't know if that's a good idea or if I should just tell her all of it at once
I'm not gonna lie, best best idea right now is also to tell her after drinking, it's probably the only way I could bring myself to tell her :\

[Lynne]

That's the thing that worries me the most, she's my everything, and I love her to death, and I know she loves me, but this would be a lot for anyone to take in. That's why I'm thinking about just telling her I like to dress up first, and tell her about my desire to transition later, but I just don't know if that's a good idea or if I should just tell her all of it at once
I'm not gonna lie, best best idea right now is also to tell her after drinking, it's probably the only way I could bring myself to tell her :\

I think you should tell her everything. It will be a shock for her, but you could end up worse if you are not telling the whole truth. I have an MtF friend who was in a relationship with a girl who knew that (s)he is a drag queen and crossdresses quite a lot. But when she told her that she wants to transition, their relationship ended. Everybody is different of course, but I think a coming out should be totally honest.

[toxicblue]

I think a good idea is at first to just say it, answer any questions they might have while keeping cool, and explaining what transgender really means, and possibly telling them about HRT.

If she doesn't quite understand, you could try telling her something like this:

"Imagine one day, you woke up as the same person you are now, but instead of being in a female body, you're in a male body.  It might seem pretty interesting at first, but after the novelty wore off, you'd start to miss your old body.  Not only that, but everyone now thinks that you are, and always have been, a male.  They expect you to act like a male, wear male clothing, etc, and there is no way for you to change back to your old body."

Of course you may change it up a bit so it doesn't sound so direct, but I heard someone say that a while back, and I think it can give people a decent understanding of what it's like to be us.  Of course, if she gets it, you don't need to say all that, but it may help. 

[kristin?]

I think you should tell her everything. It will be a shock for her, but you could end up worse if you are not telling the whole truth. I have an MtF friend who was in a relationship with a girl who knew that (s)he is a drag queen and crossdresses quite a lot. But when she told her that she wants to transition, their relationship ended. Everybody is different of course, but I think a coming out should be totally honest.

That's what I'm afraid of

I think a good idea is at first to just say it, answer any questions they might have while keeping cool, and explaining what transgender really means, and possibly telling them about HRT.

If she doesn't quite understand, you could try telling her something like this:

"Imagine one day, you woke up as the same person you are now, but instead of being in a female body, you're in a male body.  It might seem pretty interesting at first, but after the novelty wore off, you'd start to miss your old body.  Not only that, but everyone now thinks that you are, and always have been, a male.  They expect you to act like a male, wear male clothing, etc, and there is no way for you to change back to your old body."

Of course you may change it up a bit so it doesn't sound so direct, but I heard someone say that a while back, and I think it can give people a decent understanding of what it's like to be us.  Of course, if she gets it, you don't need to say all that, but it may help. 

That's a great idea! I'm definitely going to use that if needed, thanks

Edit: 15th post! ^_^

[LilKittyCatZoey]

hmmm this is well a hard thing when i told mine about a year and a half ago she freaked out and dumped me ... we still fight but i thinks its because i did it fast and didn't give it time so i say take it slow 

[tekla]

My caveat in doing this stuff is this... How long did it take you to come to understand all of this?  Years?  So don't expect someone else to get it in five minutes or so, no matter how brilliant the explanation.  It just might take them just as long to understand it as it did you.

[kristin?]

My caveat in doing this stuff is this... How long did it take you to come to understand all of this?  Years?  So don't expect someone else to get it in five minutes or so, no matter how brilliant the explanation.  It just might take them just as long to understand it as it did you.

hmmm this is well a hard thing when i told mine about a year and a half ago she freaked out and dumped me ... we still fight but i thinks its because i did it fast and didn't give it time so i say take it slow

I don't expect her to understand it all at once, I just want her to accept me for it so, for now, I can at least wear what I want and be comfortable when we're alone. The fact that nobody knows just drives me crazy

[kristin?]

Today I've been comtemplating coming out to someone else before my SO, but before all that, gonna fill in some details

I've known my best friend, lets call him Steve, for close to 2 years now, and he's really the only friend from High School I'm still "real friends" with (the term I use for a friend who actually hangs out with and talks to you, doesn't just say they're your friend). And I've known his girlfriend, lets call her Karen, for almost as long. They were with me on the first date with my SO (lets call her Kayla), and have been our best friends as long as we've been together despite our other good friends turning out to be jerks. We are currently trying to all get jobs so we can afford a place to live together. I've been with Karen through a lot, and I know she is open-minded when it comes to things like this. She and Kayla are best friends, and I'm thinking about maybe telling her first and talking to her about it, then breaking it to Kayla together. Is this a good idea, or should I do it alone?

Either way, my goal is to at least tell someone by September 9th, my 19th birthday

Edit: forgot to say, all 4 of us are living with Kayla's parents until we can afford our own place

[Hikari]

Today I've been comtemplating coming out to someone else before my SO, but before all that, gonna fill in some details

I've known my best friend, lets call him Steve, for close to 2 years now, and he's really the only friend from High School I'm still "real friends" with (the term I use for a friend who actually hangs out with and talks to you, doesn't just say they're your friend). And I've known his girlfriend, lets call her Karen, for almost as long. They were with me on the first date with my SO (lets call her Kayla), and have been our best friends as long as we've been together despite our other good friends turning out to be jerks. We are currently trying to all get jobs so we can afford a place to live together. I've been with Karen through a lot, and I know she is open-minded when it comes to things like this. She and Kayla are best friends, and I'm thinking about maybe telling her first and talking to her about it, then breaking it to Kayla together. Is this a good idea, or should I do it alone?

Either way, my goal is to at least tell someone by September 9th, my 19th birthday

Not knowing the people, or how they react I really can't advise if it is a good idea or not, however I will say that I came out to a friend before I came out to my spouse. I just felt it was easier and if they left it wouldn't have been such a big blow at the time, since we had drifted apart a bit while they were in the military. In my case the result was me and that friend are closer than we ever have been, and regularly confide in each other. He also helped me along a bit in telling my wife. I am not sure what would have happened to my confidence if he would have had a negative reaction, but when I explained it to him, I did me best to not allow him to have a negative reaction.

[Cindy]

Many excellent comments already. I'm in total agreement with Tekla, it has taken some of us a long time to understand who we are. The sudden, oh by the way I really love you and I'm TG and identify as a female. Will probably go down reasonably badly.

This might be 'unfair' put your self in her position . Totally in her position. What does she want out of life and her relationship ?  Does she want a man who will be the father of her children and be part of a 'nuclear' family? Because you will probably not be that person.

For her sake and her future you have to tell her. I told my wife on our second date and we celebrated our 29 wedding anniversary this year. But I was incapable of getting her pregnant, and I was also not able to transition until recently. It's a long story which is on the site.

You need to consider these things.

I have said before and will again. Transgendered people tend to be very selfish. I think this is unintentional, but we seem to want people to accept our  identity with little thought about how it affects other people's  feelings and emotions. Our feelings and emotions are no more important than theirs!

When 'we' come out to family and friends, so many of us think and desire to be totally accepted. Why should we?  The thought process we give them is totally alien. OK, many or even most parents I expect to accept their child's sexual orientation, maybe not in the USA, but in my country definitely. But accepting a change in gender is a whole new concept for them.

I hope it all works out but tread carefully and expect the worst.

Sorry

Cindy   

[cindianna_jones]

She deserves to know. She should know everything.... including how much you care for her. After all, please consider what she has invested in your relationship. If you leak it out over a long period, she'll have all the more into it.

She may not take it well. Most people have a hard time with it. But this is not the only obstacle you will face in transition. I know that it is hard, but if you don't deal with problems as they arise, they fester and become much worse.

Cindi

[justmeinoz]

I don't like to give advice as my section of the universe has had more than it's fair share of disasters. It might be worth stressing that because you love your girlfriend, you feel you have to confide in her that you are questioning your gender, and hope that she can help you work things out.

Hope it goes well.

Karen.

[kristin?]

Many excellent comments already. I'm in total agreement with Tekla, it has taken some of us a long time to understand who we are. The sudden, oh by the way I really love you and I'm TG and identify as a female. Will probably go down reasonably badly.

This might be 'unfair' put your self in her position . Totally in her position. What does she want out of life and her relationship ?  Does she want a man who will be the father of her children and be part of a 'nuclear' family? Because you will probably not be that person.

For her sake and her future you have to tell her. I told my wife on our second date and we celebrated our 29 wedding anniversary this year. But I was incapable of getting her pregnant, and I was also not able to transition until recently. It's a long story which is on the site.

You need to consider these things.

I have said before and will again. Transgendered people tend to be very selfish. I think this is unintentional, but we seem to want people to accept our  identity with little thought about how it affects other people's  feelings and emotions. Our feelings and emotions are no more important than theirs!

When 'we' come out to family and friends, so many of us think and desire to be totally accepted. Why should we?  The thought process we give them is totally alien. OK, many or even most parents I expect to accept their child's sexual orientation, maybe not in the USA, but in my country definitely. But accepting a change in gender is a whole new concept for them.

I hope it all works out but tread carefully and expect the worst.

Sorry

Cindy   

You're right, all the comments and support have been really good for me

About putting myself in her position, believe me, I have, and I know it won't be easy for her. I'm almost always expecting the worst (kind of a pessimist ), and this is definitely no exception . Still, can you blame me for hoping that she'll accept and love me? I know there's no guarantee, and I won't blame her if she can't, but I'm still gonna hope for the best, and still expect the worst

[Cindy]

Kristin,
I would never blame you for anything and I hope it goes well and that she accepts you.

Hugs
Cindy

[Christy Edwards]

I think taking it slow worked betr for me. Every situation is different. I do have a wonderful wife who loves me period.
The hard part for me is telling ur kids....I am still not there. But soon...

[kristin?]

So I decided to dress up, shave, straighten my hair, and put some eyeliner on for some "Could I Passs One Day?" pics (which got some pretty positive praise ), and the eyeliner was still kind if visible when my sister came over, and she thought I looked good! I if course asked her to tell anyone that asks that she did it, and my roommates came home, and Karen thought it looked good too! Now I just hav to wait for Kayla to get off work and see what she thinks, I'm hoping for good things, and I'll update when she sees ^_^