So, I'm posting the letters I hand wrote to parents in order to come out in the hopes that these letters may help someone else. A lot of information in them is the same, but they are written differently because my mother and father are two very different people, so I needed to have a varied approach.
Note: It says Erik at the end because that will be one of my middle names and also it's pretty similar to my birth name, so I thought it might be easier for them to deal with. It wasn't.
Beware - They're pretty long......
Dear Mom,
This is more difficult to write than any research paper or compare/contrast essay I have ever been assigned, but this is also much more important. Since I'm such a private person, I don't think I could have ever brought this up to your face, but an email would have too impersonal of an effect and with a letter, you can reread it or look through it as many times as you need to. This is an issue that needs to be brought to your attention because I believe that you not knowing is beginning to hurt what relationship we did have. I gave you this letter now so that you can process it in an environment in which you feel safe and comfortable.
This actually has nothing to do with you or your skills as a parent. You are a wonderful mother. You are smart and sensible and, honestly, I've never met anyone I would prefer to have as a mother. You and dad raised me well. I have never been abused, or raped, or traumatized, or anything like that, so don't get it in your head that it's caused by anything like that. This also has nothing to do with religion. Even if I did believe in God and follow Christian teachings, I would still be what I am and this letter would still have to be written, because this isn't a phase. This is something I've been aware of my entire life.
My whole life I've mostly concentrated on trying to please you and dad. I know it may not seem that way, but it's true. I'm not trying to play the role of some anguished victim, because that's not what I am; I'm just being honest. Growing up, I always wore the dresses you thought were cute. You would point out some shirt or skirt or something that was cute or girly, or I would find something that you would think that way about and I would ask for it because I thought that was what you wanted. I asked for purses, and I carried them to church because it made you happy to see it, or at least I thought it did. Even though you and dad didn't hammer the ideas of pink princesses and sweaty jocks as what girls and boys should be like, it was still clear that, as a female, there were certain ways I was expected to think and act. So I acted as was expected to make you happy, but I could never make myself think that way. I'm sorry I could never be the daughter you wanted and expected. I'm sorry I'll never be the daughter you've worked so hard to raise me as.
I spent my early childhood thinking I was a freak, that there was something desperately wrong with me. It wasn't until I chanced across a magazine article that I learned that I am not alone, that there is a word for what I am and it's a fairly well-known word. I am a transsexual. I know what this word means as well as the ways it is commonly used. Specifically I am a transman, also called an FTM (female-to-male) transsexual. Even though my body is female, I am not a girl and I never will be. Even after learning that, I still felt the future was impossible. I knew nothing about fixing myself at that time. I still suppressed myself to try and make you happy, but I couldn't stand being a pink robot. There were many times when you almost lost me physically. Several of those times were in early middle school when I couldn't come to terms with it, couldn't accept myself, but there was one person who helped me through that time and helped me realize that a future as myself, my true self, was possible. Even so, I was too scared and unknowledgeable to do anything but continue to suppress my feelings. I can't stand it any longer, though. I'm not suicidal; a few people have given me opportunities in which I could be my anonymous self and I want that future rather than one of lying six feet underground, but I don't know how much longer I can stand being a girl and being forced to live as one.
I know it will be hard for you. I'm not asking you to understand, as this is the sort of thing that you can only understand if you experience, just to accept and help. I want to transition, which means to begin to live as my true gender. If you want, I can email you links to websites which can help you understand things, websites where you can talk to other parents, or websites which outline general treatment plans. I've been researching this for many years, so I've found several. If you have a specific question, I'll try to answer it the best I can. I know this will be very hard to grasp as I've had my whole life to process and contemplate and accept this, whereas this is being sprung on you fairly suddenly. I don't think it's a complete surprise though. You asked me once if I wanted to be a boy. I said no at the time because I was scared, but it's really not a matter of wanting to be a boy. I've always been a boy, mentally and emotionally. What I want is to be male, to have my body and my mind align. That may sound strange, but gender and sex are actually not synonyms. Sex is what you are between your legs; gender is what you are between your ears. It's just that those two things usually line up.
I told you once that I don't know that you love me. That's because you don't know me, only the frustrated façade I present to you. Even so, don't think that you're going to lose me when I transition. I'll always be your child. I'll just be so much more comfortable, calmer, livelier, and happier afterwards. It won't be a different person so much as a revealing of the person you've been living with without completely knowing it. I can't ignore this anymore. Transsexuality is not a choice. It's only a choice to heal myself. There isn't any medicine, therapy, or treatment that can change the gender of someone's brain. You can only change the body. Even though nobody knows for certain what causes transsexuality, what I've said so far has been studied and documented as fact. Most transsexuals achieve the life they want through a combination of hormone treatment and eventually surgery. Nearly all transsexuals live full, happy lives after transitioning and the process of transitioning itself is getting easier every year from advances in medicine and society. Even just transitioning socially, and dealing with any possible medical things later, would make me infinitely less stressed. This doesn't mean that all my problems (mental or otherwise) are caused by this. I know that I have some sort of mental problem, and I still want to have the assessment done, but this is a completely separate issue.
This does not make me a lesbian in any circumstance. I'm not a lesbian. For one thing, since I am a boy, it's actually impossible for me to be a lesbian. Also, I don't like girls. This isn't because I've been traumatized from being forced to act as one for so long. I just don't like girls. I know it's shocking to find out that the one you always thought was your daughter is actually your gay son, but over time, it'll make sense. Several people have already been using my preferred name for a while without knowing the reason why it's preferred. A few people have already been referring to me using male pronouns only. I know it'll be tough to get used to, but I'd like you to make an effort to do the same. I never wanted to have to invade your world with this crazy mess, but I can't ignore this any longer, and I can't do this alone.
Hesitantly,
Your son, Erik [my last name]
____________________________________________________________________________
Dear Dad,
My whole life I've mostly concentrated on trying to please you and mom. I know it may not seem that way, but it's true. I'm not trying to play the role of some anguished victim, because I'm not a victim. Growing up, I always wore dresses and carried purses. Even though you and mom didn't hammer the ideas of pink princesses and sweaty jocks as what girls and boys should be like, it was still clear that, as a female, there were certain ways I was expected to think and act. So I acted as was expected to make you happy, but I could never make myself think that way. I'm sorry I could never be the daughter you wanted and expected. I'm sorry I'll never be the daughter you've worked so hard to raise me as.
I spent my early childhood thinking I was a freak, that there was something desperately wrong with me. It wasn't until I chanced across a magazine article that I learned that I am not alone, that there is a word for what I am and it's a fairly well-known word. I am a transsexual. I know what this word means as well as the ways it is commonly used. Specifically I am a transman, also called an FTM (female-to-male) transsexual. Even though my body is female, I am not a girl and I never will be. Even after learning that, I still felt the future was impossible. I knew nothing about fixing myself at that time. I still suppressed myself to try and make you happy, but I couldn't stand being a pink robot. There were many times when you almost lost me physically. Several of those times were in early middle school when I couldn't come to terms with it, couldn't accept myself, but there was one person who helped me through that time and helped me realize that a future as myself, my true self, was possible. Even so, I was too scared and unknowledgeable to do anything but continue to suppress my feelings. I can't stand it any longer, though. I'm not suicidal; a few people have given me opportunities in which I could be my anonymous self and I want that future rather than one of lying six feet underground.
I don't want you or mom to torture yourselves by thinking that either of you caused this somehow. You didn't. This isn't something that is taught or learned. It's not a choice. I've always been a boy, mentally and emotionally. What I want is to be male, to have my body and my mind align. That may sound strange, but gender and sex are actually not synonyms. Sex is what you are between your legs; gender is what you are between your ears. It's just that those two things usually line up. No one has discovered yet what it is that causes transsexuality, but what I've already said in this paragraph has been discovered and tested and known as facts. It's kind of like a birth defect, like being intersexed, but on a mental level. There is one theory of the cause that seems to make sense, so long as another theory is true as well. It's theorized that all fetuses start out as basically being female and then some receive some sort of signal to become male. It is thus hypothesized that there are actually two signals sent (one to change the mind and one to change the body) and that in the case of a transsexual, one of the signals doesn't go through. Thus, if the signal for the body goes through, but not that for the mind, you end up with a girl's mind in a male body – a male-to-female transsexual. And if the signal for the mind goes through, but not the one for the body, you get a boy's mind in a female body – an FTM.
What I want is for you to at least accept this, if not understand, and let me transition into the boy I really am. What I need to get this out in the open, first and foremost, so here it is. There it was. . Even so, don't think that you're going to lose me when I transition. I'll always be your child. I'll just be so much more comfortable, calmer, livelier, and happier afterwards. It won't be a different person so much as a revealing of the person you've been living with without completely knowing it. I can't ignore this anymore. There isn't any medicine, therapy, or treatment that can change the gender of someone's brain. You can only change the body. Most transsexuals achieve the life they want through a combination of hormone treatment and eventually surgery. Nearly all transsexuals live full, happy lives after transitioning and the process of transitioning itself is getting easier every year from advances in medicine and society. Even just transitioning socially, and dealing with any possible medical things later, would make me infinitely less stressed. When I say transitioning socially, I mean living as a guy, which would include dressing as one, and being referred to with a male name and male pronouns.
If you want, I can email you links to websites which can help you understand things, websites where you can talk to other parents, or websites which outline general treatment plans. I've been researching this for many years, so I've found several. If you have a specific question, I'll try to answer it the best I can. I know this will be very hard to grasp as I've had my whole life to process and contemplate and accept this, whereas this is being sprung on you fairly suddenly. I know this will be difficult for all of us, but it will get easier with time. There is one more thing you need to know. I'm not just a boy, I'm a gay boy. That isn't particularly important in and of itself, but it may help keep future misinterpretations from occurring.
Your son,
Erik [my last name]
