Hello there everyone! My name is currently James (I'm still thinking of what my female name would be, but I'm leaning towards Sadie) and I'm 18 years old. I've had a lot of conflicting emotions over my gender for the past...6 years, I'd say? I haven't really even come out to anyone but my mother, who was quite reluctant at first but is now taking it much better than before (I'm thankful that she's open-minded), and one of my sisters knows a bit about my problem although I haven't officially come out to her yet. But before I get more into my gender problems, I'd like to put out that I am a huge nerd. I play tabletop RPGs like Dungeons and Dragons and Warhammer regularly, and I love to play videogames. I like to read and sometimes write, although I generally prefer fiction over non-fiction. Actually, I've been writing up my own tabletop RPG for the past few months and have gotten about 51 unorganized pages done. It's really quite enjoyable to make up new worlds and people, or to be immersed in a world that's not your own where you can be anybody you want to be. I'm also pretty good at math, to the point that I was able to write up a small text adventure using C++ for a friend's project for fun (I didn't get graded for it at all).
Ever since I could remember, I've loved to wear women's clothing. My sisters dressed me up often when I was young, and in later years I would "borrow" from my sister and mother, though I always ended up feeling guilty and gave the stuff back very discreetly. But I've always wanted something more than just dressing. Thanks in part to the internet, I eventually found out that I wanted to be a woman, not just dress like one, and that I wasn't the only one. I have yet to talk to a therapist, although I would really like to since I believe I am transgendered in at least some way, but money is very tight in my family and I'm going to have to fund it myself (still waiting on some calls from potential employers). Although I believe I am transgendered, I will not being any real transition until I get an official validation from a therapist, although I have done and am doing things to try and feminize myself more, such as losing weight and voicing feminine opinions about things like clothing and decoration. I think I'm going to try and get my ears pierced soon, as well.
Something finally pushed me over the edge to really want to be myself. I read a therapy session posted on a website for a person who was having gender issues (with their consent, of course), and it really spoke to me. I felt many of the same things that the client felt, and the therapist made a lot of sense. I learned that I don't have to be ashamed of thinking the way I do. I can proudly say to myself that I no longer feel ashamed of wanting to be a woman or of being attracted to men. You know what? I like wearing skirts and makeup! I want to have breasts! I don't care if I'm 6'2" and built like a football player, this is who I want to be and I'm not ashamed of that.
Unfortunately, Shame is only one of two demons that need to be vanquished, and its cousin Fear is much more brutal. I'm kind of roadblocked by fear at the moment in regards to my social life, which is another reason why I would really like to see a therapist, but one out of two isn't too bad...though it's not too good, either. At this point, the sooner I can make some cash the better.
I'm really happy to find a community where I can have intelligent conversations with people who have issues similar to mine. I'm a pretty open minded person, and I find it quite easy to put myself in another person's shoes. This is the first TG forum I've joined, by the way
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