I am 26 years old FTM, I've been struggling in denial what feels like forever.
As a child I was always one of the guys, my friends were mostly guys and I would play guy games, rough house etc etc.
I remember one time when I was around 6 years old, I wanted a Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle action figure for my birthday but I was afraid to ask my mom for it, I guess gender rolls settle in this early in life
I didn't actually began thinking I was different until puberty (as far as I recall) I could never identify with girls, I could never fit in as much as I tried to, I just wanted to be normal,
I remember age 12 and up, there were times I would pretend to be into what they were into, they would talk about clothes, make up and accessories and seemed to have such knowledge on the subject and I didnt have a clue, nor was I interested in those things but I wanted so badly to fit in with them for the sake of being normal.
When I was 13 years old I used the internet for the first time in my life, I quickly discovered chat rooms, and I began portraying myself as male, the very first thing I did was be male online, I didnt even have to consider it, Now 13 years later I still do this. For a while being male online was an outlet for me but it has stopped working, and it stopped years ago. It has done more damage to my mental health then I care to admit.
I've been depressed all my life, I have very little memories of ever being happy, I also had rough childhood due to unrelated issues.
I took steppes toward transitioning back in 05, I had been triggered by a text message from someone I had been portraying as male form online, this message triggered me in such a horrible way that I did some pretty bad self damage at my place of work and was sent to an institution for a while. During that time, I came out to my therapist and later my parents, who did not take it very well, but were trying to be supportive.
The situation that rushed me back into denial was minimal when I look back to it. I went to see my psychologist about my gender issues, I was wearing sort a fem top, and just regular jeans, with a buzz cut, he said this to me "you aren't even wearing boys clothes, how can you have GID" at the time I was not even close to ready wearing boys clothes fulltime, (I've always been a tomboy) This sentence alone, was enough to delay my transition for another 6 years. 6 years of trying to keep it down, shut it off. I even tried the married life. Being forced into the gender roll of a female was an awful experience, I couldn't cope, I was constantly frustrated by my in-laws when they expected me to be this wife of their son. I felt humiliated. The sex was the worst the first year I was more numb then anything, but as the months went by I felt disgusted by it, I couldn't escape the feeling that I was being humiliated.
Now I am this road again, I'm trying to take my first steppes for a second time. I've ordered my first binder online, I've bound my chest in the past but this time I'm getting something real,
I am a rollercoaster of emotions, with sleepless nights due to thoughts just rushing through my head, I feel excited when I imagine asking my step father to teach me how to shave, I feel excited when I think about having a deeper voice, flat chest, and appear as male to society and my family. I also feel incredibly motivated where I just want to do everything, I want to loose weight in preparation for future top surgery, I want to burn it off now so I can begin working out toward the kind of body I want.. So far being fat has worked in my favour as it hides female features it also makes bio males less likely to hit on me, which is something I don't want.
I keep rocking back and forward from "oh my god! This CAN be a reality for me" to "Should I? is gonna be worth it, am I gonna be cut out for it?"
This is an extremely short version of my story and where I am currently, I am trying to walk through the door which just recently opened for me when I came out for the second time to my closest family and they got my back. Why do I not just dive in?
I just want to be me, and transitioning is the only way to do that in this life, I'm tired of being suicidal and wishing for the impossible
Thanks for reading
Kit
