my worries and men

[gantz]

im sorry every post i make has just been nothing but about my issues... wish i can be of some help to others but i am having some trouble myself at the moment uhm but when i can ill try. anyway ok now to topic

for a while now, guys online when they see my pic they assume im a woman. some guys who see me face to face, as I was told by others, didnt notice i was what i am. (PS, but those were moments whre im REALLY all femmed up ok). for a while it was somewhat harmless and maybe... safe online, what theyd punch me through their monitors? they go so sweet and promise you so many things then when you tell them what you are they just back off and treat you like youre sick of something like small pox. eventually i grew bitter and gotten to hate men for it. at one point ok lately... i was just so down and out of confidence feeling im half human and unwanted then i went to a dating site for the first time. at first i wanted to do what i usually do and tell them what i am and be honest and goody goody about it... in this case i didnt. i said to myself to hell with you all, i already know waht youre gonna do IF I did.

it worked. guys seem to have taken interest. lots of views those flirt things and messages. i cant reply to them all anymore coz theres quite a lot. some guys are hot hahaha wow, you can just lick em. then the thought came back to me when i talked to one who was seemingly really nice. even if this guy falls for my face. for my personality our conversations. even if he sees me and hed like what he sees... theres no way i can get away with it. he'll find out one way or another. then he'll leave. hahaha...

maybe im just being stupid here wishing that a guy could like me... even before i have a surgery. would you believe some ass even said we cant have anything between us unless i have that. pretty clear what that guy wanted eh. is it really... really??? just that important??!!!! for you to have that part? that nothing else matters even combined together if you dont have something they can f...

im sorry im still new in this ok, i hope you can forgive my stupidity here. i am very much open to being corrected if im wrong. and im having a hard time adjusting to the emotions and all i ... its all new to me ok i didnt expect all of these and it just hit me in the face all so fast. someof my docs told me about waht can happen once i start the theraphy but i laughed at them in my head.

tomorrow... im meeting with one, guy. i didnt tell him waht i was. i dont intend to tell him tomorrow... oh my god i feel sick. i dont know to feel about this anymore. i wonder if he'll be able to tell. he seems nice. he seems to try to be as honest as he can to me. hah, my female friends would LAUGH if they heard me say that. one of em once told me, men will tell you the biggest bull->-bleeped-<- that you can think of, dont believe any of them youre a fool if you did. im saying this now maybe as a selfish way to feel good, like an early guilt? is there such a thing?

the thing is i lived as one and courted myself in teh past. i know this... I DO coz i did them all myself and i said the same ->-bleeped-<- they give me. but i dont understand why... it just feels good even if you know its bull->-bleeped-<-. god i sound like a freakin 12 year old. well waht can i say eh, a 12 year old girl has more experience living as one than me right hahahahah.

i guess i worry, like waht they tell me. some men dont take this lightly at all. its  BIG deal with them like something to do with their masculinity whatever and some might get physically violent. and my male friends when i used to be male, they brag about beating up people like me when they get tricked. god help me... shi...

well thats just i dont know something silly maybe for people to read for humor? sorry if i said something offensive. well just sharing where i am in this scene.

[Pinkfluff]

I don't think all men are like that. I have heard stories of others with this condition say their BFs don't care at all. Probably a minority of men are like that, but I'm sure they are out there.

Unfortunately some do get violent, so please be careful. Have a plan in place in case things get bad.

[gantz]

i know fluff, i mean i know its wrong to generalize even if the ratio is sooo unbalanced. i dont want to hate believe me, i dont like the feeling but. i know there MUST be some out there tahts not like that. but as i said to a friend of mine, ok its not impossible but its just so improbable to meet one that its almost never gonna be. its like looking for gold beneath the earth, theyre there but theres just so much ground to cover... and youre just one person and with a limited time.

you are right. i need a plan. i need weapons to protect myself too. its too late to get some decent ones by tomorrow. ill look into it. thank you for the reminder i completely forgot about that option

[Pinkfluff]

Well you gotta be careful with weapons because many things are illegal to carry without a license, depending on the state, and without decent skills with them they can be used against you. I mainly meant things like making sure it is a public place, know where the exits are, make sure you can leave the area quickly without having to worry about directions, etc. Like I said in another thread, your mind is your best weapon. Just by paying attention closely you can notice if things are going to go bad and get out of there before they actually do.

[tekla]

Unless you're the Marine Corps or Batman I think the basic rule is: If you need a weapon to go there, you don't need to be there.

[Jenny_B_Good]

dont like the feeling but. i know there MUST be some out there tahts not like that. but as i said to a friend of mine, ok its not impossible but its just so improbable to meet one that its almost never gonna be. its like looking for gold beneath the earth, theyre there but theres just so much ground to cover... and youre just one person and with a limited

Have you thought that this maybe due to the fact that you aren't being truthful to others hence can't attract who you want?

Be careful with weapons. In a court of law, if something goes wrong, even if not your fault, It can be proven you had the intent to inflict harm. Best not to go down this path.

[gantz]

god i almost posted last night... luckily i didnt... i was dead drunk. yeah i know its bad but i didnt expect to get that drunk with so little alcohol

jen, on the contrary, ive been nothing but truthful to others - hence why it always resulted in such. last night i took a different route, i simply chose not to tell - must i anyway... ... how it ended kisses.

ive come to think, if this person can really love you, WHEN they find out they will understand and will still do. if they dont then they just dont. lets face it, as my coworker told me what normal man will want me??? exactly. you will need to have actually already fallen for me to ... by some chance, be able to ... accept it. and even then its not certain but, the chances increase in my opinion. the more your bond together grows i think the more probably it is that ... they would tilt. but of course, you also have to risk potentially investing feelings, its not like its easy to control right... and you can still get hurt but... everything is a gamble. but its better to gamble with increased odds than just leave it out blindly to chance

well i was thinking more of like those stun guns and pepper sprays. they are labelled as defensive items right?

im not gonna talk to anyone else, i mean th eothers that try to have a date with me. i think i really will just stick with him. not just coz he didnt notice me but... i will admit i... well he really just caught my genuine interest. we're just so much alike in almost everything. if i can only ahve one bet, ill put it on him and so i am. good luck to me eh... besides, i dont think i need weapons on this one em...

[Annah]

i am not meaning to sound judgmental but if these guys are responding the way they do and you have this urge to buy weapons and almost said something you would regret while being very drunk; maybe you need to hang around "different" people.

When a guy asks me out, I tell them about me. For the most part they are still wanting to go out with me. I had three guys say nevermind when I told them but they were very nice about it. Who am I to get upset over someone who is scared of dating someone outside the gender box?

But I think its the environment you are in or you may be putting yourself in where almost every single guy is doing this to you to the point where you need to arm yourself. I say this because guys aren't mostly like this.  I don't know....i can't answer more in depth because I don't know you or your lifestyle.

[tekla]

Despite all the worries about random attacks for being trans, every trans murder in the recent past have all been people who were 'intimate'  with their killer.  That little voice that's telling you that you might need a weapon is really trying to tell you something else.  You should listen more carefully to it.

[Jenny_B_Good]

Gantz,

I sincerely hope you are safe and loved. I truly do. I think Tekla nailed it on the head about putting yourself in situations.

Regardless, any weapon that IS a weapon will be seen as intent in the eyes of the law. If you must, carry a " impulse perfume" spray.
http://www.beautyheaven.com.au/article_images/2009/October/October-12/Impulse.jpg
They don't have a lid - hence easy to spray in the eyes of an attacker; And if you hold the spray like a downwards "knife" action, the impact of your blows will be greater.
This is a very ordinary item that you would carry with you always, hence probable self defence in the eyes of the law.

[tekla]

It's almost a gospel point in gun training classes that any place you would not be safe without a gun is no safer if you have a gun.   The street or alley that you fear to walk down unarmed, you should also fear to walk down armed.  The outcome odds might shift somewhat, but the odds of confrontation don't.

[justmeinoz]

First Rule of self-defence in case of attack or threat is-"Run!"  A person running away is nearly always faster than the person chasing them.

Karen.

[tekla]

You've obviously never met our felon class.  They'd catch you in a couple of steps.  There is a reason why expensive athletic footwear are called 'felony shoes'.   And this is the US, chances are not slim that they are unarmed, and you can't outrun a bullet, no matter how fast you are.  Best advice, stay out of bad situations, bad places, and in particular, don't get involved with bad people.

[gantz]

ok the weapon thing that i said was... a just in case thing. honestly most that ive dealt with are well... docile in a way, well sorry if that came out like it mustve did on my earlier post. I havent been with one that i felt threatened with yet.

but you cant help but worry when people keep on telling you to watch out for such. of course id run if i can. im as physically weak as it gets.

and of course i dont take offense in anything on this thread, i mean im asking for all manner of ideas after all. any bit of idea helps.

thanks for the concern with the weapons part to all. jenny thanks for the impulse.

i have had an instance where a guy still went out with me even after knowing. but it was more like just coz it was planned already. but it was a definite certainty it was already over instantly just minutes after i said it. and of course then comes the guys who are just for some reason..... so defensive about being thought of as homophobic taht they babble even more hurtful things than if theyve just shut up and left. god i cant stand those types i just tell them to jsut shut up already and god... ok my head still hurts ok sorry for that.

i dont remember if i said it here anywhere but, im not angry at men for not wanting me or people like us. i used to but i already raelized i shouldnt about a week ago? probably didnt say it here. its not the obligation of another person to want you, its upto you to make em want you if you want them to.

well nothing will be happening to me til a week from now. atleast maybe ive more time to think about things. for now... i guess its safe to assume some of you think its so wrong but... im just gonna enjoy the super short moment that ill have that i never had and just hope it doesnt end so soon.