IA's Q&A: When your GID is triggered, what types of thoughts fill your head?

[JungianZoe]

As happened today, I start to feel hopeless that my breasts will EVER grow, and that hopelessness begins infecting everything else.

[britt27]

You're just screwed up from a lack of self confidence.
God will damn you.
Remember how you use dream of actually being a girl?  Even if you transition, you will never be that.
What about who you wanted to be professionally?  Yea, kiss that goodbye.
You'll be ugly, obviously biologically a man, and you'll be a freak.

However, these dark thought are countered by hopes that every now and then break through... That there's always the possibility, and that maybe, just maybe, I should take the chance.

[~RoadToTrista~]

My shoulders are broad, my chest is wide, my hands are big, I'm fricken tall, my skin looks pimply, I hate having facial hair even though it makes me look better in guy mode, my hands are huge, my face looks more masculine than before, my body's hairy, I feel like crap, I'm ugly, I made myself trans from the internet, what if I change my mind? etc. And I get a headache, either it's testosterone or my mind thinks that it is.

My GID gets worse the more my body changes. Right now it's not as bad as it could be because my appearance is still kinda feminine, but......

[Lukas-H]

I want to post here because I've been feeling very bad today and I haven't had a lot of sleep and I think if I just type something out here it will be a weight off my shoulders. I don't recall ever feeling suicidal because I want to live, even if I have a ->-bleeped-<-ty life (or if I can eventually do something to make it better) I still want to live because there are so many beautiful and amazing things in this world I want to see and experience that have absolutely nothing to do with my issues.

When I get triggered...

Why can't I be normal? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be a tomboy girl? Who the hell would want to date a person who looks like a man but has a vagina? Even if I transition people will see right through me. They will laugh, point, sneer, scream, punch, poke, kick, bite, stab, shoot me if they find out....They will make fun of me and say how could anyone ever love such an abomination like me. How could anyone ever love this hairy, muscular, pathetic excuse for a woman who thinks she is some artificial man.

Genetics are destiny. You can never be a man. You don't have a penis. You can't ever have sex the way you want and you should just accept what you were born as and MAKE yourself be comfortable with it. You are going to fail at life and you will never be motivated and you will be a sad excuse for a human being because you can't stop thinking about how you want to be something you can't be and you need to get over your anti-social behavior. It's stupid. Just act like a woman, like you were born. Have some kids. When are you going to have kids? When are you going to get married? Are you going to be Mrs. XName?

......

[TheAwesomePrussia]

That's the same thinking that made me dissociate back in middle. school... Don't let it get to you. Kay?
You're in a better position than I was. You know what trans is and you're in a group that can give you support. So take it from a guy who's been there, don't listen to it. Make YOU happy, not society.

[mimpi]

Get upset, sad and angry. Feel that I could have had massive success in my old career if I hadn't been messed in my head by the whole trans thing. Feel my life has been stolen as I'm sure I would have made it were I born female both as regards partners, family and career.

Always think it's like being give a pack of cards. One knows the cards as in Ace, King, Queen, Jack, 10.. Hearts, Spades, Diamonds..., but doesn't having a freaking clue how to play the game one is meant to be playing. That analogy always comes into my head and makes me think how desperately unfair it all is. Can't play 'Bridge', have zero interest in learning and would be incapable of doing so anyway, would find it horrendously boring, not my kind of people and so on... Had a psychologist once who said he thought it pretty much summed things up.

[Kentrie]

- No one will ever love you, how can they?
- You'll never start T or have top surgery because you're too poor and will never have that kind of money
- No girl wants  someone like you
- If you transition then everyone will know what a freak you are
- You should be ashamed of yourself
- You'll never be a guy just hang yourself

Yeah, that kind of stuff

[mimpi]

My body is quicksand
I'm a fraud
No one should see me
I am everyone's burden

Edit: the darkest: someone should kill me, I can't even...

That last one has come to me too, it's the worst...

[Jayne]

The main thoughts that drag me down are:

No matter what I do i'll always be ugly
This hasn't been helped by my mother telling me that i'll make an ugly woman. I don't want to be beautiful for other peoples benifit, I just want to look in the mirror & never see a man again.

I'll never find a man who could love me for who I am inside.

I'm a freak

[blake]

- No one will ever love you, how can they?
- You'll never start T or have top surgery because you're too poor and will never have that kind of money
- No girl wants  someone like you
- If you transition then everyone will know what a freak you are
- You should be ashamed of yourself
- You'll never be a guy just hang yourself

Yeah, that kind of stuff

Crikey, I feel a lot of those things too. In my darkest times, the last one.

These are my GID thoughts:

• If you transition, you will end up like a chemical cartoon. You'll be dependent on chemicals and fixing surgeries for the rest of your life.
• Maybe you never got over the abuse, and you're just wanting to be a guy to escape the pain of being beaten as a girl.
• You'll never pass, your boyfriend will leave you, and no one will accept you.
• Who the hell will hire you now?
• So you're a guy in a woman's body, fancying guys? Aren't you causing unnecessary hassle for yourself?
• Nothing will get rid of those hips. Not surgery. Not T. Nothing. So go on, break yourself.

It scares me how destructive these thoughts are. I never knew until I wrote them just now. Don't know what to think.

[Jayne]

I can't believe I forgot this one as it's the thought that screws me up the most:

My facial hair makes me feel dirty & my body hair is disgusting (chest hair is the worst for setting this off), i'd rather be smeared head to foot in doggy doo than be hairy

[harley1996]

Things like,
'You just wanna be a gay guy, you don't wanna be a bi/pans girl (which is what I identified as before I came out to a few people as trans)' though now I consider my orientation to be quite fluid. probably sounds stupid but.

'You'll never be accepted a male with THOSE boobs. They're huge. It's not like you care about your body, so just go out and act like a cis-female whorebag, you'll never pass as anything else.'

When I have my monthlies: 'Uck. You are disgustingly feminine(which I know doesn't necessarily equal girl, but, still, monthly makes me feel like such a fake, like I'm never gonna be a good enough man), you're never gonna pass without T (which for me is something that is years away. I'm  a newly discovered 15 year old transman), but good luck getting you, you stupid fake little BITCH'

'I shouldn't have boobs. I should be muscular, naturally flat chested and tan, and I shouldn't have the downstairs equipment either. I should have what I didn't let my ex-boyfriend use (lets just say I was confused about my orientation and I thought I was a cis-gendered female, true story).'

It makes me want to cry, or scream or hit things (like brick walls) or makes me want to hurt the body I'm trapped in. Make it hurt physically just as much as it hurts me mentally.

'You'll lose your job if  harley comes out of the closet. It's just a stupid little game you like to play. (I dont have multiple personality, referring to harley or hayley (my birth name) in third person is whaat I do because I feel trapped between both 'me's right now)

'You know the reason your sister points out your boobs at every given opportunity, and calls you she and a girl. It's because you are and that's all you'll ever f**king be.'

'Your dad hates that you want to be a guy, that you feel like a guy. You aren't a guy.'

'Your mum is trying, but you heard what she said, you'd be taking her daughter away from her.'

'No guy or girl is ever going to love you for 'harley' hayley maybe....but that's a chance in 6/7 billion.....'

Thats half of it anyway.

[skm4441]

I don't view myself as having GID.  However, I am not happy with my breasts.  I sometimes envision myself as having flat chest like a guy.  I also feel that my breasts are just bothersome and would like to have them removed and aren't just "me".   

[furlock]

I don't want people to reflect anything else than what I am. So for me its Hormones first, re-spike the body into something new, go through puberty again. Then like the proverbial teenager I can learn what is the best course of action for me (ooh growing up as a woman that's it)

[Sophie]

I imagine I will have different thoughts in different stages of transition; seeing that the moment I am just beginning my journey.

At the moment the the thoughts that seem to cripple me are "I'm stuck living as a man completely miserable and trapped; or I can be free to come out to the whole world and lose everything. My job, family, etc. and I will never be loved and I will be completely alone."

I find it really difficult to deal with really. I feel so trapped and desperate that I must continue to transition. At the same time I am willing to lose everything that is dear to me to accomplish it. I am so heartbroken by losing my family that I feel like I'm evil. I blame myself of course because it is me who isn't "normal." Sometimes I find my guilt is as hard to deal with has my GID. 

[winter88]

Why was i born this way?

am i the chosen one?

does this make me special?

does this make me better than everyone?

are aliens using me as some kind of experemint to see if humans can accept sex changes? lollll

no one will ever see me as a girl or treat me like one until i pass 1000% percent.

putting a gun to my heart would be much easier and quicker and less painful than all these surgeries.

im a fighter so then i say.

i willllllllllllllllll pass one day. i will get what i want. i will do all my surgeries.

i will get the last laugh!

i will do whatever it takes to pass as a woman 1000%

i will win!

a few more surgeries is all you need!

but then what? what happens after im perfect and nobody reads me?

will my life be perfect?

of course not,

i know tons of rich famous beautiful people that have horrible lives. *charlie sheen pamela anderson lindsay lohan britney spears all on drugs and single and they are rich famous gorgeous.

i think whatever problem comes it can be fixed,

never give up, you havent lost until youve given up,

your only problem in life is time.

but in time you will get there, in the meantime enjoy the ride,

beacuse one day you will look back and appreciate what you have more than anybody else cuz youve worked so damn hard.

beacuse you had to fight tooth and nail from the start to have the body you should have been born with!

and once you get it you will appreciate it more than any man any woman on earth,

never give up,

never!!!

[VeronicaL]

Shaving your face in the dark because you dread the thought of looking at yourself....and not caring at all about what the results were.

Wondering about your sanity.  A general feeling of helplessness.

[Ayden]

I am pretty okay most of the time. I do have some negative thoughts, mostly when I have to leave the house in "girl mode" because of my current circumstances.

-I've made it this long, so why make my family miserable?
-Dad will never talk to me again. I'm his only "daughter". Is it really worth losing my only parent?
-If I can't talk to Dad, I won't be able to talk to my brothers. What if they need or want to talk to me? I've been there for their entire lives.
-What if my husband/partner leaves?
-I prefer guys anyway. If I was stronger I would be able to live like I am.
-I hate my chest. I hate my figure. I will never pass even with years of HRT.
-I still like some girly things, so maybe I can just be happy like I am.
-What if I can't get a job/into grad school/my PhD?
-I'm being selfish. Very, very selfish.
-If I really wanted this, I would just go buy the T and start on my own.
-Who will be proud of me?

Mostly stuff like that.

[Alahanna]

"Do I really have to have sex like that?"

"Don't look in the mirror, don't look, you know you're a monster."

"Just give up, you will never be able to afford every thing that you need to pass."

"6'4", 250 lbs = impassable and masculine...take hint freak and accept it."

Just to state a few of the thoughts.

[Nemo]

The last 20+ years have been a waste.
If I'd seen/done something about this sooner, I might have a better time of it now.
How am I meant to be free with "her" debt still hanging round my neck?
Why did I keep having sex with guys when deep down I knew it felt wrong?
Will I ever be in a position to enjoy a relationship?
Will top surgery hurry up and happen before I do it myself..
Wish I didn't have to worry about locks on/present doors in the gent's whenever I need a p*..
Will I ever be able to get my head straight and make a decent living?

.. yeah, I'm feeling pretty low right now