relaxation vs rigidity

[jillian]

  So Im about 3 months on hrt, and the results have been phenomenal.
Ive been pretty disciplined with everything: workout, diet, job, therapy, I have a habit of taking everything I do very seriously.
While it is not a bad thing, I decided to cave for a day.

So I burned a doobie, it is prescribed to me legally so I didnt break any laws, I decided to eat a bunch of brownies and let my diet go for a day.
Note* I had a tooth pulled saturday and friday I had derm roller done, so it was nice to have a monday off and partake in the whisps of nature :-)

The thing is, I could feel my masculinity.
There is no doubt that I am trans, and there is no doubt that I will continue to live as a woman. However, this brought an interesting thought into my head.
In order for me to live as a woman, there is a part of me which is being forced to submit, to the will of my being.
Aside from conditioned behavior, which really it is, I felt weird. I dont want to be masculine at all, but then again, doesnt everyone, trans or not, contain traits of both masculine and feminine?

Anyways, I just want to see if I am alone in these thoughts and feelings. There is actually alot more, but Ill stop at that for discussion

[justmeinoz]

Apart from the effects of THC in this case, I'd say we all have our masculine and feminine sides, regardless of whether we are  TS or not.  You just relaxed enough to be aware of it.
What or whether you do anything with it is a different matter.  Like in meditation, you become aware of a sensation and just observe without doing anything, and just let it go where it will.

Karen.

[AbraCadabra]

Yes, we do have both sides, and depending on our 'form of the day' the femme or male side can get more dominant. Also recall, smoking a joint will make ALL sensations more pronounced including these yin/yang feelings.

The further into transition - the more OK you will be with containing both, and not stressing to subdue the male part in "our" (MtF) case.
The "male portion" can actually serve a s point of attraction to some others (mostly female) it makes us sort of 'special' in some ways.

It made me feel just some days ago to say: "I'm proud to be a transwoman!"  and I got no flak from my female friend.

I like your new avatar, you smoking hot honey :-)
Axelle

[jillian]

:-)   Thank you.   I was totally thinking about that today.    My gender is not binary, therefore I am not chained to my feminine or my masculine. It is the mixture that makes me me.
Thanks girls, life is getting less about stress and more about the philosophy of me, and really getting to know myself.