Making sense of myself o.o

[Amaranth]

I'm at a standstill as far as my identity goes.  I'm having my first therapy session in a couple weeks, but I was hoping I could get some sense of direction from here first.

I've identified for nearly 3 months as MTF, and feminizing my body as much as possible.  I've been planning to transition completely, but I've also recently learned the hardships and complications that come along with HRT and SRS:  cost, sometimes social ostracization, health problems.  I would still much prefer a natural female body than the one I have, but is it normal to have these doubts with full transition?

I've always hated being boxed into the group "male", and this dysphoria is what caused me to take on a female identity.  The thing is, while I find it annoying that my body is confined to the gender I don't feel I fit in, I've never experienced unbearable discomfort with physically not having breasts, or having a penis.  Rather, I feel discomfort at the idea of being excluded from a group (female) for these characteristics.

Would I be ecstatic if I suddenly woke up with a female body?  Yes.  But there are thoughts I can't get off my mind.  Am I truly transsexual, or will transitioning make me feel just as boxed in as I was originally, because I would have to hide my past?  Was it the supposed inability to take on traditionally female clothing, mannerisms, behavior, and social circles/activities that made me detest being male so much, making this new identity a retaliation to society?  Am I androgynous?  A crossdresser?  I felt I was an MTF transsexual, but that's starting to feel like just another confining label.  Is there even a label for what I am?

[ZaidaZadkiel]

Yes to all.
No to half.
Maybe to the other half.
and the other other half is making the wrong questions.

[LilDoberman]

The short answer is I dont know.   If you don't (and that's not mean, a LOT of us go through it) there's no way we could   My advice is to do some thinking on the future.  How do you see yourself 20 years from now?  What would a happy life look to you?

[foosnark]

I felt much the same way.  I still do a bit; if I woke up in a female body that'd be great.  But I would probably identify as androgyne still, even whjle enjoying presenting myself differently.  That was what led me to realize I didn't really want to go through with transition.

Of course we're different people so you have to figure it out yourself.  Take your time and try not to stress over it too much...

[Amaranth]

LilDoberman,

In 20 years a happy life to me wold be one where I don't have to worry about limiting my self-expression or gender at all.  My fears with transition come from the idea that I may be jumping out of one cage and into another.

foosnark,

I'm trying not to get stressed about it.  I've stopped living as a woman full time, which takes the anxiety of passing out of my thoughts, and my clothing has changed.  I go out in strange, half-and-half combinations...girls' pants and guys' shirts, or vice versa, and it seems to be fairly comfortable to me; I don't feel like I'm going back to being someone I'm not.  I guess all I have to do is sort out whether staying as I am and expressing myself androgynously will make me happy, or whether transition is necessary.

[ZaidaZadkiel]

For me, transition is not an end.
I want to be MTFTWhatever.
See, this is how I see this:
I am not a boy.
I have tried living like a boy. Did not go well.
I am not a girl.
I am trying to live like a girl. Won't go well.
Afterwards, assuming I survive, we'll see what other options are on the other-other side. Because, really, why not ?

[mimpi]

I'll go along with what Zaida wrote above ^^, sounds rational, sane and realistic. (sorry, Z )

All this continual search for boxes does my head in, we are more than that.