"Validation"
As in achieving certitude or validity of the concept--?
That process for me, which I finally can say is permanently resolved [NO going back to the former detested state], induced yet another element of searing agony in the course of transition.
No doubts exist. Not anymore.
The EMPIRICAL and manifest evidence both of who I really am and of the NECESSITY to achieve FULL transition, is irrefutable and cannot be ignored.
"Deep denial for decades"
Not so, here. Since the proverbial "Day One", I knew that SOMETHING related to sexuality [but in reality, it was a GENDER issue] was deeply flawed, but I did not have a clue as to what it was.
I was relentlessly driven to do certain things, to function sexually in a certain way--but I had no idea as to why this was.
It was a living hell.
And knowing that, knowing the VAST GLOBAL improvements that were the direct result of transition and HRT, knowing how comfortable, natural and JOYFUL that I feel now,
How could I POSSIBLY revert or allow myself to be deterred from attaining the true??
Forced in a choice between reverting to a male role and death...I think that you know which would be chosen.
"Femininity"
By my writing style, perhaps nobody would even suspect it, but the feminine expression and speech to a lesser degree, require little effort for me in private or public.
In fact, as it was with trying to maintain an acceptable male presentation, it is now in trying to repress the natural feminine.
It's comfortable and feels natural. I'm continuously refining these, but the basic 'feminine instinctive movements and mannerisms" were always present.
Still, I'll wind up being something of odd homogeny of predominantly feminine characteristics and traits, with an admixture of decidedly masculine elements.
I'm saying this NOW, but as I have observed so many times during the course of transition these remnant masculine elements very possibly may reach points where they simply become intolerable to live with and ultimately are 'shed' or greatly modified.
"Disinhibition"
I am NOT going 'back'. The very concept is utterly abhorrent.
It would kill me.
"Sexuality"
I definitely and exclusively LOVE men. But I am not at all keen on the idea of using 'sexual preference' as a DETERMINANT as to who is TS and who is really just a poseur.
That constitutes a 'false balance' in my view and I won't accept nor utilize such a a standard.
It seems analogous to the ego centered 'caste system mentality' that some TS folks erect to differentiate and distance themselves from other TS folks whom they PERCEIVE to be inferior to themselves.
Welcome to humanity.
But IMHO, these dichotomies are purely artificial and find their ultimate etiologies in subjective human pettiness.
Welcome to humanity.
It seems to be a product largely of deficient self-esteem, self aggrandizement, small-mindedness and a lack of love.
The external validation doesn't concern me. It never really has.
I gave up trying to use such as a 'feedback mechanism' MANY years ago.
Over-reliance upon such, can be very dangerous.
"Racing"
I have a good life, no doubt about it and I have been blessed richly.
That isn't the issue with me, that which has been and is driving me mercilessly toward completion.
No, with me, it is a race to avoid more psychic pain or much worse.
It's purely a function of intense GID pressure and stress.
And I DO detest my male body. The sordid and gory history solidly attests to this.
But does my level of GID mean in my little mind that those who have GID to a lesser degree than I are not TS?
I think not.
There is NO going back for me, my good sister. I would rather die.
Rhonda
