What causes you your dysphoria?

[lauren3]

I'm basically asking because I know there's a bit of a balance between social and body dysphoria.

For me, it's been maybe a bit more social. That excruciating longing and sadness when it comes to seeing girls playing, hanging out together.. basically doing activities and acting the way that I want to. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be one of the girls - to be seen as one of the girls by everyone. My body dysphoria manifests itself in a more outward way, even though I have a lot of internal criticisms and dysphoria. What I mean by that, is that I compulsively will look at girls who I envy deeply (on Facebook, real life etc) and the waves of dysphoria hit me hardest, because I feel I will never ever look like them or ever compare. It's like a trance I sink into and every movement they make I feel weak and insignificant. It causes me such pain and it often feels like I can't actually breathe. I feel winded. I want everything that they have - hair, legs, facial structure, dress-sense etc etc etc. When it comes to my body dysphoria, it won't be as intense when it comes to my penis for example which I'm indifferent toward. But it becomes incredibly strong when it comes to facial and body hair. When it grows and I have to shave it just kills me - it drains me, and I often end up letting it grow.. which causes more pain. I also have quite a strong obsession with my face and scrutinising it. I will often look in the mirror for 30 minutes at a time looking for a hint of the girl inside, or at features that could help me pass in the future. My face is probably my most feminine attribute (I'm being kind), so I try to focus on the positives of it... but it gets drowned out by the rest of my body and the social dysphoria which I mentioned before.

I've given a few examples there, and there are many more..

I'm sorry if this triggers people, I just thought it'd be interesting to see the similarities/differences between our dysphoria.

Thanks

-Lauren

[azSam]

I'm fine almost all of the time, The only time I get any kind of dysphoria is when I think about sex and my "unfortunate equipment" is brought into the equation.

[Lily]

It is my whole body that hurts me. Every time I shave, every time I see myself, every time I hear my voice. I know relief from this all will come soon, but that knowing only feeds my distress.

Every moment I spend in boy mode is a waste to me. It is a waste of life, and I am so tired of wasting my life.

I also have quite a strong obsession with my face and scrutinising it. I will often look in the mirror for 30 minutes at a time looking for a hint of the girl inside, or at features that could help me pass in the future.

Same here, I even put up a mirror next to my computer so I always have access to my face. It's become something of an addiction.

The one thing I really hated was when people ascribed traits to me or expected me to behave a certain way "because I'm a guy."

Nothing hurt me more than that. When I was 4 and below I had lots of My Little Pony and other girl toys and I loved them. About 5 or so I started having people (mainly other kids) tell me that those toys were not ok for me, I had to play with GI Joe or whatever idiotic war toys boys played with.

So I started playing with legos and other neutral things, and at school lunch I'd go to the library and read. I never had any time for other kids, they bored me far more than my identity distressed them.

[AbraCadabra]

Hey Lauren,
yes what you relate 'triggers' me, my GID. But I guess we need such posts to learn yet more to deal with our lot...

The way you describe the social part of your GID is SO MUCH my own. It sometimes cuts like a knife and not all tears in the world seem enough to stop it.

Lucky enough it comes in waves, and as waves go they also subside.
Reading about your 'reflections' on young girls playing, just living, doing their girl thing, can be so hard in beholding it's beauty... eh. Yes, it can hurt like hell.

It gets lots better when seeing some females that do not pass muster (with me) then it's some relieve that we not all THAT badly off after all. It's negative but at least it does not cause such painful jealousies.

The body side of my GID can also be very mean, and really ugly, when sensing the full impact of my position.
No ovaries, no womb, no babies, no boobs, no femme looks, no arse, no waist, no thick hair, no.... eh, at least most of us can show off some legs. F**k, it so sucks at times!

I can touch IT, do have to get off well? But when I see IT in the mirror it looks just so wrong. Just saying so alone, can make we wretch.

There you are babe ---- YOU SHURE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS! Not at ALL.

Big hug,
Axelle

[Karla]

There's one more category of GID for me that no one mentioned yet: the pain of the past and if applicable the struggle of dealing with the (boy..ish..like) persona some of us created to fool the world and/or ourselves. I can manage the pain that comes from the outside but this really took all my energy and a little more.

[madirocks]

Social and body dysphoria. Social was a big one in elementary and high school, and currently. My early 20s though indie, emo, and metrosexual styles were all very popular at the time so I was able to act more myself without drawing too much attention. It was fantastic! One of my favorite periods in my life.

Body dyspohria... mainly one thing that I can't wait to rid of.

Oh and Lily, I had the same thing happen. I had to give all of my dolls, etc. to charity and start playing with GI Joes and cars. One way I was able to get past it was they also had Barbie-like GI Joes at the time. I had four of them, and played with those with my sister a lot.

[BillieTex]

I'm basically asking because I know there's a bit of a balance between social and body dysphoria.

For me, it's been maybe a bit more social. That excruciating longing and sadness when it comes to seeing girls playing, hanging out together.. basically doing activities and acting the way that I want to. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be one of the girls - to be seen as one of the girls by everyone.

for most of my 50 years i have felt this way. i think i am being punished for some past sin - or maybe grandma pissed off some gypsy woman - not sure which. but even today i look with longing and wonder why life was so unfair to me (us)   

[Forever21Chic]

What I mean by that, is that I compulsively will look at girls who I envy deeply (on Facebook, real life etc) and the waves of dysphoria hit me hardest, because I feel I will never ever look like them or ever compare. It's like a trance I sink into and every movement they make I feel weak and insignificant.

     Yeah i can relate to that, i would get super jealous of girls i know on fb. My voice causes me the most dysphoria even thou it's not very deep it's not female sounding either. I've been practicing with it alot lately and i can def get it sounding within the female range but it takes alot of effort & when i'm nervous it slips back into that male voice which i hate.

[~RoadToTrista~]

A lot of it's social, I just don't have any self confidence or self esteem with myself. But it's also body, I get really stressed out by my v-shaped chest and I keep trying to like, push it back in with my shoulders.

[Graverobber9]

I've always been really uncomfortable with people seeing me and referring to me as a guy.
Up until I really started trying to feminize myself I always was very uncomfortable with what I saw in the mirror. Even a year ago when I was still living as a man I was always desperately trying to see a woman in the mirror. My own mannerisms and interests also increase my dysphoria. I've ben working on my voice and movements, but I have been going through a dilemma about how masculine most of my interests are and that if I continue them I will never be a "true" woman. I just need to realize that I will never be a "true" woman anyway, considering my genetics.

Most of what causes my dysphoria is purely social. I don't have as much dysphoria about my actual body, so I'm more likely transgendered than transsexual. I don't like how angular and masculine my body looks, but being recognized as a woman is slightly more important to me. I will likely never undergo a sex change and I'm almost considering passing on hormones. Even though the results of the latter would be useful, I get sick to my stomach when I think about what happens, biologically, after taking them. I've always been very sensitive about medical topics; hormones may just not be for me. 

[justmeinoz]

Social in my case I guess.
Especially bad attack today.  I got in this morning after staying over after a friends housewarming party, and realised I had gone home alone, again, just like always. Right back to when I was a teenager and the guys rejected me as not masculine enough, and the girls as both that, and too male to be just a friend.

Not being able to have a relationship without one small difference preventing women seeing me as a potential partner is killing me today.  I am beginning to wonder whether there is more acceptance of my being a lesbian who happens to be a Transwoman in the general community, than among bisexual and lesbian women.

It would be nice to be wanted as more than a friend at this stage of my life.  Right now I feel I will end my days lonely, bitter and cynical.

Karen.

[AbraCadabra]

Hi Karen,
good to see you also 'hang out of the bus' at least once in a while, um.

Feels ->-bleeped-<-e, but funny, it ALWAYS also makes us so much more human.

I do hope go gonna hit the jack pot some time not long from now, and find a sweet heart to share some of the great gal you you are.

Self can do with just THAT so too.

I do know what it feels like, oh YES!!

Big hug,
Axelle

[versuchsanordnung]

I am simply sick of living in grey areas between male and female, not fitting anywhere, nothing fits me... That would be the social part. I dont think so much about relationships et cetera, i just wan my internal war ended and will see where to go from there...
Body-wise its my voice. Its so bad, there were times i did not speak for months becouse i could not take it. At my worst  i sound like tom waits with throat cancer mixed up with barry white.I am working on it and there has been some improvement, i am about to stop smoking, thats going to help some more. But still.a long way to go...

[AbraCadabra]

Hey hon,
go read your chick-lit, there is such a thing as a gravely sexy female voice.
Ever listened to Candice Bergen on 'Sex and the City' of late? Like Leonard Cohen or some such.

I also knew a tall blond s*x-change, as it was called in these days, that just sounded like that too. HELL SHE WAS SMOKING HOT!!!

Never mind pitch and gravel so much, it's more HOW you say it. Think SEXY, babe :-)

Axelle

[versuchsanordnung]

Do you happen to know the german version of gillian anderson (scully on x-files)deep.  dark. Smoky. Cool. Suave. Strong. Thats the place i want to be. Speaking two oktaves higher and pronouncing every sentence like it was a question wont do the trick for me. too tall.  :angel

[Lucy O Connell]

i think for me it's my voice, i find and have been told that i pass for a cis girl, then i open my mouth and everyone knows different, which saddens me but i am hopping to get voice lessions soon. i am also curently living with my friend who i consider to be my best friend and he dosn't know i'm trans, he's only known me as a boy, but i have to tell him because i'm going back to college soon and living with him and being full time will be impossible if i don't tell him, scares me so much but i plan to tell him tomorrrow because it's killing me inside, may find myself looking for a new place for college depending on what he says