Significant Others Where Are You??

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Hello Everyone,

I am married to a MTF and it is going pretty good for us. I feel we are soul mates and have found eachother in a very strong way. I LOVE my spouse to death!! We have been together for 9 years I am 28 and she is 33.  We feel companiship is EXTREAMELY important. I just want to find other wives out there that I can talk too. I am looking for positive input mainly. Of course, I would like to know the hard parts of transitioning as well. I have struggled with seeing my spouse deal with her pain, guilt, angst, fear, etc. I knew her as a strong person whom noone could ever get past, but her transition is robing me of the true beauty I see within her and am starting to see on the outside. Please let me know whom is out there so I can speak with you. There is only ONE support group in Las Vegas, so I need to vent here more often We are talking to a therapist...

[Miniar]

Ohai!
Mine's over there *points at the other sofa*

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

LOL that was cute. I wanted to know if the society is mean to transgender individuals out in public? My spouse has gone out a couple of times half femme, and she is EXTREMELY self consisous (sp) I have paid attention to people and their reactions to my spouse and the do not act any different or look at her weird. I have told her this, but she doesn't beleive me. She is going to blossom beautifully into the female she always will and I can see this. Will she ALWAYS feel like a  freak? Will she always not be at peace? Her main goal in life is to find her happiness and inner peace which is a great thing. I am just hoping the she will live a happy normal life as a trans female. What should we expect in our new journey together? society wise anyway.. I know she will pass with flying colors, she has been on hormones for 5 months are her boobs are growing fast..

[spacial]

QQ.

That's going to take a lot of time.

If I may suggest, you continue to be supportive and let your spouce work at this in her own time.

[chloe23]

 Like a beautiful flower starting to blossom, it takes time and she will get beautifuler as time goes on. Hang in there .

[ToriJo]

LOL that was cute. I wanted to know if the society is mean to transgender individuals out in public? My spouse has gone out a couple of times half femme, and she is EXTREMELY self consisous (sp) I have paid attention to people and their reactions to my spouse and the do not act any different or look at her weird. I have told her this, but she doesn't beleive me. She is going to blossom beautifully into the female she always will and I can see this. Will she ALWAYS feel like a  freak? Will she always not be at peace? Her main goal in life is to find her happiness and inner peace which is a great thing. I am just hoping the she will live a happy normal life as a trans female. What should we expect in our new journey together? society wise anyway.. I know she will pass with flying colors, she has been on hormones for 5 months are her boobs are growing fast..

I met my wife when she was publicly identifying as female, so she was already comfortable in her skin to a certain extent.

That said, she is sensitive to comments and looks from people.  Sometimes the people are mean and nasty, sometimes I suspect she's passing fine and the comments aren't directed to her, but she doesn't know that - after all, this is a pretty significant thing in her life, and she is (understandably) a bit sensitive to it.

That said, society *is* mean to people who are seen as violating gender roles.  People get killed for that.  So it is a serious concern and it is better to error on the side of "We should get the $#@! out of this place" if you or her starts to feel uncomfortable in the least.  It's a life and death issue.

As for society and how they treat us as a couple, I have one advantage over you - the heterosexual bias.  When people see a male/man who doesn't present ambiguously with a female/woman who might have even the slightest bit of ambiguity, they assume we're a couple, and, not only that, but a STRAIGHT couple.  So, thus, in their eyes, my wife must be female.  If two women (one of whom may or may not have some ambiguity) are seen, it's going to be easier for people to mistake her as male.  I do think some people have ideas about my wife (bigoted ones) and some people probably talk about me behind my back as a result.

One way I can help my wife is to speak first if it looks like a situation where someone is about to say something stupid to us.  If I see a server in a restaurant that looks like they are about to "sir" my wife, for instance, I will try to speak first and use proper pronouns for my wife, to subtly (but firmly) say to the server, "This is my wife, don't you dare call her anything but a woman."  It's not obvious, it might be something like, "Why don't you take my wife's order first, I'm still looking."

Obviously the better she passes, the less bigotry.  But people can and do talk.  For me, I think they can go to you know where - I know who my wife is, and no random person is going to be able to impact that.  I choose my wife.  I didn't choose the bigots.

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Thank you Slanan for your reply!! It helped put some things in perspective!!

[purpleturtle92]

I find that I do a lot of the things Slanan does when I'm out with my girlfriend just to overcome that heteronormative bias. As a GGirl dating a TGirl I've found that people (especially people who didn't know I was bi and now meet us together) will automatically try to look for ways to clock her... it's frustrating for both of us. So I'll often jump the gun a little on conversations and say things like "Oh, Joe have you met my girlfriend, ________?" or I'll ask servers or retail associates questions carefully placing the term girlfriend. This way they get that subtle message that she is to be referred to as female, first and foremost, and that we are a couple, not just a couple of gal pals out on a lark (though we're that too!).

One of the things that has helped us in a lot of ways, I'm sure, is that I met her a solid year into her transition, so she already had most of her presentation figured out. She still gets insecure, and she's still tweaking elements of her style or how to carry herself, how to make makeup work for instead of against her, and some of the social dynamics of being a woman but I think I do a pretty good job of being there for her. One of the things I'm trying to convey to her is that she honestly does pass, she carries herself gracefully and is beautiful. The only time I think she doesn't quite pass is when she gets uncomfortable and insecure, starts fidgeting and retreating into herself, and then people look at her and wonder what's up. I know it will take her a while, so I try to be patient and give her as much honest but positive feedback as I possibly can. You'd be amazed how much a difference it makes to say "hmm, honey I really don't know about that blouse with those pants, I think you should try _______ instead?" or "you should really pair some earrings with that outfit" just to offer loving feedback. It shows you care and are engaged so much more than simply "you look lovely."

Since I met her as *her* there isn't too much of an adjustment for me in terms of reconciling her former identity with her real identity. It also helps that I have spent most of my life on the outside looking in, too... not for sexual or gender reasons, but because I've been fat my whole life. We both can understand where the other is coming from, even though the journeys are vastly different.

I love having a space to come and honestly talk about the ups and downs of being a transgender person's significant other. Only a few of our friends are aware that she's trans, so there's only a couple people I can talk to about things and usually I don't anyway just to respect her privacy. Ultimately I think the bottom line is just to keep offering that unwavering support, tempered with love and honesty. We have found some very special people to spend our lives with <3

[cheonsa1017]

I know this post is really old but I'm looking through the board and reading old posts hoping to find someone to talk to. My husband just came out as transgender the other day and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. I know I want to stay together, but honestly that's about it at this point. I have no idea how to help him or how to respond appropriately to him. Any help would be appreciated!

[blueconstancy]

(Quirky and her wife have long since split up, unfortunately. [I used to know her on FB.] But this is still a good place to find other people to talk to!)