I am in a pretty weird and terrible position.
I was diagnosed with that crazy rare blood disorder earlier this year in January. I had to stop taking estrogen due to the increased risk of clotting which is too bad because it was working WONDERS for my dysphoria . Since then, I've not had any major source of hormones running through my body (I had an orchi over 10 years ago). I've been emotionally unstable, my short term memory and ability to grab words is going fast, and I've started struggling a ton with my weight. My doctor tells me if I let it go, I wish decreased bone density, and a bunch of other things associated with menopause/loss of hormones. Fortunately my GID hasn't been too bad, though not as good as when I was on estrogen.
So I have 3 choices:
1) Go on testosterone - this will fix all physical issues I'm currently having but will do a number on my GID. I might return to the intensely dysphoric state I was in before my orchi when I was suicidal and had the "transition or die" mentality. This is the healthiest physically, but the least healthy mentally.
2) Go back on estrogen - this will also fix the same physical issues I'm currently having and will help with my GID tremendously, but it is the most physically dangerous. So much so I doubt my doc will even prescribe them it is so potentially lethal to me.
3) Do nothing. Yes, do nothing at all - let my body degrade physically due to the lack of hormones but ultimately my dysphoria will be manageable.
All 3 options suck.
REALLY suck.
I have chosen option 1 for the time being though. I figure for longevity I will need to go with option 1, the one my doctors have been encouraging me to do, but I am so frightened of becoming that person I was back then, with my dysphoria running my life. I was such a train wreck back then, I couldn't accomplish any of my goals, couldn't get my head out of my dysphoria for even a few seconds. Fortunately I know A LOT more about my disorder, my triggers, and coping techniques than I did previously - so perhaps this time it will be better.
I don't often need help anymore with my GID, but I'm afraid I will once I'm back on T - especially once the physical changes kick in.
I wish I knew of an active support group here in the Dallas TX area, but all of my connections to the community have faded over the years.
If anyone else have any words of encouragement or support I've love to hear them. I already feel like my GID is going to take over again any moment now just contemplating what is going to happen. I wish I weren't a guy.
I hate being male. I've done so well for these past 10 years pushing off most of the "male" things that people would identify me with and done my best to fit snugly in a little androgynous world, but T - it does such a number on my brain and worse will be the body hair growth, and continued masculinization.
Guess it turns out I'm not as immune to everything as I once thought. I don't want to transition again - or even think of it because I have so much more to lose now than I did back when I did it the first time. I'm scared it will start entering my mind again, but I hate my male body - I hate my male role. I hate the facade I must put up sometimes. I don't say this often because I rationally believe my brain is deceiving me, but my guard is down, and I don't really care right now. I'm a girl dammit! I always have been.
