How do you guys let go of the "what ifs"?

[Sam-]

I can't bring myself to transition, because I can't stop thinking of all the what ifs. It burdens me day and night.

What if this really is just a phase, what if I regret it years down the road, what if I really am just meant to be a female like I was born, what if I can never find love or have children because of my transition, etc.

I want to be perceived as male so bad, it gets stronger everyday instead of going away like I had hoped. I believe I am transgender. Everything adds up when I look at my past and such. But it's such a big step and I'm really afraid to regret it. I don't want to come out and cause hurt to my family (especially my mom) only to realize that I was wrong..

Did/do any of you struggle with this? How do you deal with it?

[Wil Najera]

that's why therapy is the most important first step in transition.

[Sam-]

that's why therapy is the most important first step in transition.

yeah, i've got to work on that. i'm still living under my parents' roof and on their insurance so i've gotta get the courage up to suggest it to them.

I think of what the MTFs go through and wonder if I'd be willing to do all that. Electrolysis, new breasts, present as female/dress as female...answer is always no, so I can be pretty sure that I won't "turn back" and have this huge desire to live as a woman again.

i never thought of it like that. i've never dressed girly nor particularly liked my boobs, so that's not something i'd miss.. i think my main issue with future regret is that my biggest want in life is to have children, and i would really like for them to be biologically mine and i'm scared to give that up.

[insideontheoutside]

It's not a race either. Seems to me plenty of people transition later on. Some people have already had children by that point too.

The difference I think with MTFs is that it's much more "taboo" in society for a "man" to look/dress like a woman than it is for a woman to dress or look like a man. Plenty of women wear men's clothing and less and less people even really notice.

So if your biological need to have children of your own takes precedence, perhaps you might find a partner that loves you for who you are, no matter what you look like or what gender you feel you are and you can still have the best of both worlds?

[sonopoly]

I think it's interesting about MTFs and FTMs.  On one hand the hormones work absolute miracles on most FTMs -- passing abound! On MTFs, it's more about genetics luck and age.  Whereas, MTFs have much better GRS options and results.  I guess it depends on the individual -- what's more important to you - passing completely or having close to authentic looking and functional genitalia.  Sex is super-important to many, and passing is super-important to others.  For the fortunate ones, they get both.  I think that anyone can be truly happy and find that one perfect person who will make you happy, more happy than non-transgendered folks ever have the chance to be.  I know a lot of these unhappy people.  It all works out in the end.  You may think you have been dealt a bad hand in the gender game, but a lot of people are dealt worse hands in other ways.  I think we are are equal in our ability to find happiness, you just have to try your hardest.  I know that some people try and do everything right, and still get screwed, but life is a huge crapshoot.

[sonopoly]

Oh, I just want to add that anyone can have a fabulous sex life regardless of their genitalia.  There are so many options to having a satisfying sex life.

[Sam-]

Thanks for the replies guys. Especially telling me I can take my time with it and do things slowly one by one. I mean I knew that of course, but it's nice to have support that I'm not 'supposed' to just go go go.

I've only talked about being trans to one friend, I'm not a very open person in general so it's tough. But I'm going to slowly try bringing up the topic with some others, test the waters.. I've been blessed with a gender neutral name so that's not an issue to me but I really would like to give male pronouns a shot. I just feel so stuck in myself right now that I need to make some kind of step forward, you know? I need to do something to ease my dysphoria.

[Arch]

If you live in or near a large city, you might look into support groups. Even if the group turns out to be pretty useless, you might meet a few guys IRL that you like. Spend some time, talk to them. Get to know them. Bounce ideas off them.

I let fear rule me for a long, long time. I knew what I wanted--transition--but I didn't actually do it until I needed it. And then it became imperative and pretty much imminent. I was operating out of desperation. Not a nice place to be when you're making big decisions. The "what ifs" consumed me, but I felt powerless to slow down. A couple of "what ifs" happened, but none of them involved stuff like finding out it was a phase or suddenly wanting my chest back the way it was. I know that transition was right for me because I had been thinking about it, and fighting against it, for twenty years.

Much better to get a handle on it early. Therapy is a good start for a lot of people.

[Lukas-H]

I still  haven't let go of all of my 'what ifs' and it's often a great sense of worry and sometimes sorrow for me, especially concerning my relationship.

But I suppose all I can do is progress at my own pace (though truthfully I would like to do more than I can but I don't have the means to right now). My next step would be a therapist but even that is out of my reach at the current time but coming to this forum, even if only to read often helps me stop worrying as much

[Kitoro]

For me personally, this is something I've always wanted, there are very little "what ifs" for me. Never in my life did I want to carry a child, nor did I want one, but of course who knows down the road but to carry a child is something I will never do.

I'm 26 years old and I've been struggling with gender issues since puberty and struggling intensely for the last 7 years. This is something you dont decide over night, It's a huge irreversible life changing decision.  As for genetic children, you could keep your internal reproductive organs all intact and do the "pregnant male thing" to get 1 or more children,

Maybe freezing and storing eggs? I dont know how that works exactly or how much that would cost, but you could look into that.

[Natkat]

for me I think the what if fact got over by thinking of how long I had wanted it.
I have no desire for being a usual women or girl,
I think I as a maximum could be gender-queer or somehing like that.

however I felt like doing what would make me happy rather than what other expected from me,
and I felt like, If that would make me happy and if there is a chance I in the future would regreat it, then it where still better than waiting doing nothing and regreat I never did anything.
--
you should take the thing you want but I do feel its a game of being happy with yourself, NO matter what other tells your or not. it might sound like something from a movie, but just forget what other things and listen to your own need of who you are and wanna be, take the time you need and when you feel its right.

in the point of the parrents and children and such I cant say so much.
I knew from an early age I never could be married or have kids the way I wanted it so I kinda good use to the thought and dont know what to tell you on that one.

I can say it can be hard, yes, its never easy to be trans or getting out, in that way "it is a choice" because you have to deside whatever you will come out and then there might be alot of things you might lose or not.

I sacrificed my famely and friends, in the way I wasnt sure if they would accept me or not.

[sneakersjay]

Definitely do NOT transition until you absolutely have to.  When the pros far outweigh the cons.  When you can't live another minute as F or you'll go insane.  And ditto the therapy recommendations.

It is NOT easy to transition, and this is coming from someone for which transition was a relatively painless process overall.  I needed to transition or I was going to have to be seriously medicated.  I have kids, so offing myself was not an option.  I'm so much happier now I forget that 'she' ever existed.  I see pictures and she's like a long lost sister or something.

You need to do what is right for you.  If transition is right, you will know.  Not that you will never have any niggles of doubt, or questions, or even what-ifs.  You will know that transition is better than the alternative.


Jay

[Sam-]

I've tried finding support groups but I'm not having much luck, I think someday soon I'm gonna call or go to the Planned Parenthood around here and see if they have any resources for me.

sneakersjay, I see your views entirely. I'm just afraid I'll never get to the point where I'll stop wondering 'maybe I'll suddenly be okay with my assigned gender at some random point in the future' and then I'll just end up living my whole life miserable with who I am. I'm a sucker for stuff like that, I'm bad at feeling secure in big decisions. Guess this all comes back to the same thing - I'd benefit from therapy.

I appreciate all the input.

[Arch]

I've tried finding support groups but I'm not having much luck, I think someday soon I'm gonna call or go to the Planned Parenthood around here and see if they have any resources for me.

Are there no LGBT centers near you? Or you might try different search terms on Google, if you haven't already. Or if you don't mind posting your location, you can try a new thread, something like "Any support groups in Chicago?"

[Sam-]

Arch, you just helped me immensely. For some reason the term "LGBT Center" never crossed my mind and now I've found one just a half hour away from me. They have group meetings and they offer therapy on a sliding scale. My mood has lifted so much. Thank you.

[Arch]

Arch, you just helped me immensely. For some reason the term "LGBT Center" never crossed my mind and now I've found one just a half hour away from me. They have group meetings and they offer therapy on a sliding scale. My mood has lifted so much. Thank you.

Fantastic! I hope you get what you need.

[LivingInGrey]

I don't think I'll ever be able to.

[Farm Boy]

I'm just afraid I'll never get to the point where I'll stop wondering 'maybe I'll suddenly be okay with my assigned gender at some random point in the future' and then I'll just end up living my whole life miserable with who I am.

Man, this and your original post sound exactly like me.  I'm having trouble getting past the "what ifs" too.  One of my biggest fears is coming out to friends and family, then later realizing I was wrong.  The people I've told so far have been supportive too, so I'd feel bad if they all got on board and then I told then "Oh, never mind!"  :/  I'm also incredibly embarrassed about the whole thing, and have great difficulty talking about it.  I keep asking myself "Can I live the rest of my life this way (as female)?  Do I want to?  I know these feelings won't go away, so how will I feel 2, 5, 10 years from now, if I haven't started (or at least tried) transitioning?"  Therapists can be very helpful, too.

[Sam-]

Glad I'm not alone FarmBoy  best of luck you!

[Squirrel698]

The original question the OP asked as how did I let go of my doubts.  Naturally you should only transition if you are truly meant to.  After all it will change everything.  However sometimes everything needs to be changed.

There were two things that helped me.  First off was the song Instant Karma by John Lennon.  I was literally driving in my car and it came on the radio.

Instant Karma's gonna get you,
Gonna knock you right on the head,
You better get yourself together,
Pretty soon you're gonna be dead,
What in the world you thinking of,
Laughing in the face of love,
What on earth you tryin' to do,
It's up to you, yeah you.

Instant Karma's gonna get you,
Gonna look you right in the face,
Better get yourself together darlin',
Join the human race,
How in the world you gonna see,
Laughin' at fools like me,
Who on earth d'you think you are,
A super star,
Well, right you are.

It's true that we do all Shine On.  I thought, "Wow, he's right.  Soon I am going to be dead.  I need to get myself together and that means making the most difficult decision of my life.  After that I can finally join the human race."

Then there were a collection of quotes which further convinced me.  Basically they all said, "Don't wait the rest of your life for the rest of your life."  Also anything Mahatma Gandhi ever said, ever.  Life is meant to be lived and what I was living was not any sort of life at all.  The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.  Because after that you realize that you don't need them or their opinion to be happy.  You can be who you are and they can go stuff it. 

It was up to me to make decisions for myself.  So I could finally be who I was always meant to be.  It was the best decision I could of made, ever.  First year sucked royally but it's getting better now.

Here's a few of my favourite quotes.

People can live one hundred years without really living a minute.

Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right.
- Henry Ford

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
- Woody Allen

"To be the man, you got to beat the man"
– Ric Flair

The meaning of life is to give life meaning........