Confidence? / rant

[JohnAlex]

I feel so stuck in life right now because of my lack of confidence in myself.
And I'm not sure how to get confidence when I don't even have the confidence to get confident.


I really want to transition and get on hormones.  and I know exactly what I have to do now.  I know how to get my insurance to cover it and all.  I know a therapist experienced with transgenders.   And I really want to go ahead and make an appointment and start my medication transition.  But I can't do it.
I feel so nervous that I feel physically sick.  I just can't imagine having to talk about being trans, which is what I'd have to do if I saw a therapist.
About a month or two ago, I did finally get up the nerve to make an appointment with a general therapist, and all before and during that session, I felt sick from my nerves.  and all he did was direct me to an actual transgender knowledgeable therapist and doctor.  But I can't make an appointment.  I just can't stand having to feel that nervous again.
I thought about like trans-support groups so that I could get used to talking about it.   but I would be too nervous to attend even that.


My problem is that I just can't talk about my being trans.

Obviously I can type it.  but I can't say it.   I can sometimes say "I'm trans" but that's about it.
I have this friend my age at work, and I told him I was trans, and he's very knowledgeable and friendly about trans-issues.  So yesterday he asked me if I would prefer for him to use male pronounces when referring to me.  (everyone where I work knows I'm trans, but calls me "she" because I don't talk about  it.)  And I couldn't even answer him.  I just changed the subject.  The truth is I would be so touched that he would be willing to make the effort to call me "he."  and it would make me so happy.  But I couldn't say it.

I don't know what I'm afraid of.  I'm not really afraid, I don't think.  I don't know why I'm so nervous.  I think I'm just lacking general confidence about it.  It is new, trying to get recognized for being male instead of female.  But I know people will accept me.  So I don't have a reason to lack confidence, but I do.

Please, does anyone have any advice on how to get confident talking to others about yourself being trans?

[insideontheoutside]

Well you can act it out on your own - like talk in a mirror. Then if you have a friend like the one you mentioned who is understanding about the issue, maybe write that friend a note about what you're going through and how you have trouble talking about it and they can possibly help you from there?

[xAndrewx]

My suggestion: You can type about it right? So type up a letter to the therapist. When you call to schedule an appointment you really don't have to say "Yeah I need an appointment because I'm trans". Just go to the appointment and say "I have a few things I need to talk about but I'm not comfortable just saying them at first" hand them the letter and see where it goes from there. Yes, you'll have to talk about it at some point but at least that might give you a comfortable intro.

[Kohitsu]

I don't know if this is good advice or not... but I get through it by being harsh.  I don't want to talk about my issues to my brothers, and they aren't comfortable enough to ask, so if I need to say something I kinda smash them with it.  That's actually how I deal with most of my confidence issues (the ones that I do deal with...) is by being a stubborn jackass.  For instance, I wouldn't say 'I'm a guy so would you mind calling me he?'  I would say, 'It drives me ->-bleeped-<-ing insane when you call me that.'  I tend to be fairly soft-spoken, so being brutally straightforward startles and shames people.  And it's easier to say that because that's what's really going through my head anyway.  Anger and frustration can be empowering.

I've never tried that method because I'm extremely shy, but I think it makes sense and could work. I've said "I'm a guy so would you mind calling me he?" to my brother and he still doesn't see me as a guy, so being harsh about it might actually work, I might have to give it a try sometime.

[kyle_lawrence]

I feel the same way.   I've always kind of had the attitude that If I don't like something, or don't want to deal with it, it will eventually just go away.  Never works out that way. 

I'm out to most of my good friends, and pretty much all of them said that they would be ok with using male pronouns and calling me Kyle, and have even offered to help me come out to other people, and get them calling me Kyle too, but for some reason I just can't do it. All I have to do is let them know, and I'm sure everyone would know what I prefer to be called with in a couple days, but something is holding me back.   

I hate confrontation, I don't want to make it difficult for other people.  I almost wish I could just dissapear for a while, and suddenly re-emerge after I've had top surgery and been on T for a while, and then have it be known and accepted without having to constantly explain.  I guess I just kind of feel like its my problem and I don't want other people to have to deal with it.   

I really want to start T and get going on my name change and gender marker and everything, but I'm terrified of actually doing it. 

I think a lot of my problem is that even though I appear to be outgoing and have no problem with public speaking (I grew up taking dance classes, and performing in recitals and stuff, and now I work as tour guide at a big tourist attraction) I'm actually really shy, and somehow I still hate having any extra attention on me.

[JohnAlex]

I feel the same way.   I've always kind of had the attitude that If I don't like something, or don't want to deal with it, it will eventually just go away.  Never works out that way. 

I'm out to most of my good friends, and pretty much all of them said that they would be ok with using male pronouns and calling me Kyle, and have even offered to help me come out to other people, and get them calling me Kyle too, but for some reason I just can't do it. All I have to do is let them know, and I'm sure everyone would know what I prefer to be called with in a couple days, but something is holding me back.   

I hate confrontation, I don't want to make it difficult for other people.  I almost wish I could just dissapear for a while, and suddenly re-emerge after I've had top surgery and been on T for a while, and then have it be known and accepted without having to constantly explain.  I guess I just kind of feel like its my problem and I don't want other people to have to deal with it.   

I really want to start T and get going on my name change and gender marker and everything, but I'm terrified of actually doing it. 

I think a lot of my problem is that even though I appear to be outgoing and have no problem with public speaking (I grew up taking dance classes, and performing in recitals and stuff, and now I work as tour guide at a big tourist attraction) I'm actually really shy, and somehow I still hate having any extra attention on me.

Omg, this is EXACTLY me as well.  I have accepting peopel around me.  I could get them to all call me "he", but I just feel like I couldn't ask them to do that for me.  And I owuld just love to go away and come back with surgery and HRT.  but, I can't do that either.

[Stephe]

I feel so stuck in life right now because of my lack of confidence in myself.
And I'm not sure how to get confidence when I don't even have the confidence to get confident.

I tell people over and over, the hardest part of this is the first step.. And EVERYONE goes through this. You basically need to grow a pair and make the phone call Sorry to be harsh but only YOU can break the cycle.

[bojangles]

I tell people over and over, the hardest part of this is the first step.. And EVERYONE goes through this. You basically need to grow a pair and make the phone call  Sorry to be harsh but only YOU can break the cycle.

I agree.  You need that experience from taking the first step to remember as you go through the others. It's just like building any other kind of muscle. Might feel sore at first, but when you start getting a sense of how much you CAN do it will totally rock...in between bouts of nausea, of course.

Also, there's at least one gender therapist who does online sessions. You could type the whole thing to get started and go from there.

[Stephe]

I agree.  You need that experience from taking the first step to remember as you go through the others. It's just like building any other kind of muscle. Might feel sore at first, but when you start getting a sense of how much you CAN do it will totally rock...in between bouts of nausea, of course.

That is a GREAT analogy and building confidence is exactly like building up any other part of your body. But you have to start, no matter how weak you feel, or you will never get stronger and ONLY you can do this.

[VeryGnawty]

Transition is a scary thing.  It is perfectly natural to be scared.  The nervousness and lack of confidence is because you aren't emotionally ready to transition yet.

When it becomes more painful to pretend to be female than it does to become male, you will begin to seek transition.  For a lot of people, this is the only way they get enough confidence to transition.  In fact it isn't even really confidence that they gain:  it is more of a controlled desperation.

[JohnAlex]

Transition is a scary thing.  It is perfectly natural to be scared.  The nervousness and lack of confidence is because you aren't emotionally ready to transition yet.

When it becomes more painful to pretend to be female than it does to become male, you will begin to seek transition.  For a lot of people, this is the only way they get enough confidence to transition.  In fact it isn't even really confidence that they gain:  it is more of a controlled desperation.

This makes perfect sense to me.  It's the reason I ended up telling some people that I am trans, because I just couldn't tolerate no one knowing anymore.
So I know that someday it will become unbearable for me and I will suddenly explode and push with my transition all that much more.  But for in the meantime, I really want to transition, but because I'm not unbearably miserable yet, I lack confidence. 

Even though if I could instantly have the T injections here, I would totally want them, I'm not nervous about transitioning.  I'm only nervous about having to talk about being transgender, which is basically a requirement to transition because you have to see a therapist and/or a doctor.

So is there anyway I can get more confidence now?  Instead of having to wait until I'm so miserable that being nervous is less painful?  I mean, what if that took a few years?  I don't want to wait until I'm old to completely finish my transition.  I just want to have the confidence now, because I know what I want.  I don't have any doubt about transitioning.  I just lack the confidence to talk about it.

[Stephe]

So is there anyway I can get more confidence now?  Instead of having to wait until I'm so miserable that being nervous is less painful?

As Bojangles said, confidence is built up. If you have none, you have to start off with something easy. Just like you don't start out with 400Lbs of weight bench pressing.

Spend some time talking online about your feelings to get more comfortable. Maybe it would help to write down what you would tell a therapist if you went to see one. Lots of times that helps sort out how you feel and if you -know- what you are going to say, you won't be as nervous. Maybe call this person who you know does gender therapy and just say "I was referred to you, would like to make an appointment but I would feel better if I can send a letter for him to read before I come in to see him". A therapist if they are good will understand you are nervous about this and sending a letter before hand would free you up from "breaking the news", they will know a lot about how you feel before you walk in.

Not sure if this helps or not, just a few ideas I had. Hope you figure something out as it sounds like you are confidant at least about what you want to do. BTW if that is you in the picture, you totally look like a guy already