Denial - How Do You Know When It's Over?

[Julie Marie]

We've all been denial at some level.  Some of us for years, some for decades.  As we come out of denial we look back and think things like, "How could I have lived like that for so long?"  But how do we know when we are completely free of denial?

Well, I just like to wear an item or two of women's clothing.

I find I like feel better when I'm dressed totally as a woman.

I think I'd like to experience life as a woman, but just to see what it's like.

I'd never want to be a woman full time but I do enjoy those times I can live it.

I feel like a woman inside.

I want to see what HRT is like.  Just to see, I'm not going to transition.

I have no desire to quit HRT.

I want to live full time.

I can't imagine ever going back to my old life.

I need SRS to feel complete.

How many of us have been through that or something similar?

Then as you begin to live life full time...

I find men more interesting now.

I'd like to see what it's like going on a date with a man.

I prefer men over women.

I'm done dating women.

I'd like to find a guy, settle down and get married.

Once you reach that last point, it's safe to say you are completely out of trans-related denial but you may be out of denial anywhere along the line.  But what if you are at another level and that's not it?  How do you know when denial no longer affects your thinking?

Two and a half years ago, when I first entered therapy, I, without question, held the belief I would NEVER transition.  I was dead convinced I'd live my entire life as a male.  Even when the therapist posed the question to me I told her "No way! I'll never transition!"  And look at me now.  But is self discovery of my trans personality over?  I look back and see denial had a death grip on me.  I wonder how much, if any, is left.

When you look at your own path, where are you in ridding yourself of denial?  The beginning?  The middle?  Then end?  If you feel there's more to shed how far do you suspect things will go?  Or do you even think about it?

Julie

[LostInTime]

The more you learn about you, the easier it can become.  Of course we too often put other obstacles in the path and not all paths are the same.

Denial for me ended when I realised I was going fulltime.  I had some setbacks but have always moved forward.

[Steph]

Such good posts Julie.

Applause, applause...

I'm almost ashamed to post such a brief answer to your question, but to me it is really quite simple.  I believe that you will know that you are out of denial when your life starts to feel right, you become focused on your future, and your energy is directed towards that future.  What ever that future may be.

By feeling "right" I mean that there is no more self doubt, no more guilt, and no more "what if's" etc...

I feel that looking back serves no purpose but to gauge how far we have come, as we can't live in the past, and to do so will prevent us from realising our future.

That's how I knew it was over.

Steph

[Robyn]

I made some of those road stops, too, Julie, but I looked at them less as denial as steps to discovery:
lingerie fetish to CD to nonop TS to preop to postop; from hetero male to lesbian female to bi female; from married to separated to divorced to married with FTM husband; from noninvolved to supporter to transactivist to Susan's staff.

I think there is a reason we call it a journey.  The journey never ends until we are called home to develop our next life's plan and to be redelivered crying from the womb of our next mother.

This morning I had my first meditation in about 2 years.  Centered, grounded, and opened all the chakras.  Today, we begin our next adventure, my husband and I, signing mortgage papers and turning over most of our savings as downpayment on a little condo on Maui.  Whither next on our journey???

Whither next on yours, pretty lady?

Robyn

[Kate]

Excellent question!

I don't know if denial ever ends completely, but I'd say that once I start living an ordinary life, when all my thoughts aren't being filtered through the GID anymore... that'll be a good start

But for now, I *know* I have... ISSUES, lol.

Kate

[Brianna]

I think being a transsexual should end. At that point, if you're still got issues? Transition was probably not for you.

I sense my own journey ending here.

Bri

[Kelly-47]

I think there is a reason we call it a journey.  The journey never ends until we are called home to develop our next life's plan and to be redelivered crying from the womb of our next mother.

How beautifully simple it can be if we just quit fighting the process!

Julie, I get a strong sense that Mr. Tolle has resonated fairly deeply with you. You know (the real you) that all of the denial and self doubt is just the ego fighting to maintain its position of control in your life. As Eckhart said, the ego is very clever, it will use every device it can to take you anywhere but NOW. I know this is going to sound like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo to anyone not familiar with Mr. Tolle, but have you learned to recognize when your pain-body is becoming active?

I know you are feeling a lot of emotion at the moment. Just do your best to remain the "watcher" of the emotion, and not let it consume you.

Hope this helps...

Kelly

[Melissa]

I'd say I'm pretty much out of denial at this point.  I know I need to go all the way.  I understand my sexual preference now (although I have some issues I need to work on and I'll not deny that ).  I think I had a much easier time letting go of denial than a lot of other people due to being accepting of new ideas.  It really is funny how it comes in stages though and at each stage, you think you're completely out of denial, but I'm not sure there really is anything else to deny.

Melissa

[Melissa-kitty]

Issues.. hmm.. not sure they ever go away completely, short of becoming a buddha, perhaps.
Amazing to me how much I was working on under the surface, all those years that I was in denial, that when so much of the denial lifted, it was like, "Of course!" so much became clear. So much so, and the path seems so clear to me, that I have to question it, put brakes on.. keep myself honest. But even as I do that, I keep moving forward, and it seems right, true, good, even joyful!
But that river in Egypt keeps moving. Denial is a moving target, as is the self.
But have faith in ourselves, too. Know that we keep working on ourselves. We really are cutting edge on so much. In some ways, the best that humanity has to offer.

[beckster]

Ooooh, what an interesting question !!  It's kinda made me stop for a moment to just think about things.  I don't know exactly at what point the denial stopped for me, maybe it was when I finally admitted to myself why I felt the way I did and promised myself I would do something about it.  I feel as though everything else after that was just stuff I had to deal with, am not saying it was easy but as Melissa says is there anything to deny anymore ?

Becky
xx

[cindianna_jones]

I can't really think that I was ever "in denial".  My efforts were an attempt to stop it from wrecking my life.  Is that denial?  Of course.... I really didn't know what my "condition" was.  It seemed to change every day as my understanding of TS'ism expanded.  I grew up in a pretty know nothing environment.

Cindi

[Brianna]

IMO, there is an end and that end is called SRS.

I could not agree more strongly.

[cindianna_jones]

I think that there is one more step after surgery... .and that is self acceptance and recognition as a valid member of society.  I believe that you need to "know" that you have done what you can and are "complete".  For many, self doubt and depression continue. 

I know some individuals who manage to get all this out of the way long before  their surgery.  But I believe most need to come to terms with their "new self".  Granted, it's probably not a big deal for us, since we have achieved all that we can and what we have always wished for.  But it is still a part of the process.

I envy you Bri.... you are embarking on a fascinating journey with your education and career choice. There's so much of all of this that no one understands. There are so many things to learn and understand.

Chin up!
Cindi

[katia]

THE CLASSIC TRANSSEXUAL

A classic, or 'true' transsexual follows a fairly predictable pattern, with a rather predictable and common life story. The basic cookie cutter version is easily summarized.

The classic transsexual is aware of gender conflict at a very early stage in life, usually somewhere around the age of five. The gender issue causes problems throughout life, because the transsexual  cannot entirely suppress or deny the truth of their identity altogether, despite social pressure to do so. As time goes on, the agony of gender dysphoria, and a life of misery and self-denial, becomes unendurable and something must be done about it, either to correct it, or to permanently stop the suffering. For the latter group, the answer is too commonly suicide, but for the former, the answer is very standardized: hormones, followed usually by surgery.

http://www.transsexual.org/whattodo.html

denial?  is it possible to escape from [ourselves]?  it [never] is!

[Steph]

I think that there is one more step after surgery... .and that is self acceptance and recognition as a valid member of society.  I believe that you need to "know" that you have done what you can and are "complete".  For many, self doubt and depression continue. 

I know some individuals who manage to get all this out of the way long before  their surgery.  But I believe most need to come to terms with their "new self".  Granted, it's probably not a big deal for us, since we have achieved all that we can and what we have always wished for.  But it is still a part of the process.

I envy you Bri.... you are embarking on a fascinating journey with your education and career choice. There's so much of all of this that no one understands. There are so many things to learn and understand.

Chin up!
Cindi

Very good point Cindi.  As I discovered some do suffer from post operative depression but I'm not sure if it was caused by an issue of self acceptant or wether it was a post-op pain/infection issue.

Steph

[Annie]

For me, I don't believe denial plays much of a role.  I think the most fulfilling event in my 40 years would be to fully transition, and continue my life with my wife and daughter.  However, what I want and what my wife wants are in conflict, and focusing on my wants at this stage is not an option.

[passiflora]

I think that there is one more step after surgery... .and that is self acceptance and recognition as a valid member of society.  I believe that you need to "know" that you have done what you can and are "complete".  For many, self doubt and depression continue.

Yes for most of us after all the struggling and saving and finally surgery, the excuses are all gone and now we are left to ourselves and its time to live, and in some ways the hardest part, transsexing. Assimilating into socoety, into our comunites, and living womens's lives without explantion to others, and mostly ourselves.

-pass-

[Kate]

Assimilating into socoety, into our comunites, and living womens's lives without explantion to others, and mostly ourselves.

Tell me this is possible.

Tell me this wonderous, magical, ORDINARY world isn't a myth.

Tell me I'm not just fooling myself, pursuing a mirage, chasing a false hope just to stay alive one more day.

Kate

[Melissa]

Kate, yes it's possible.  That's how you know when you are done with transition.

Melissa

[gennee]

It's hard to say, Julie. One thing I've learned traveling this road is that you'll discover things that you never knew about yourself. The question is how will we handle it. I find that denial can keep us from find out who we really are. A lifetime of it can literally kill a person both spiritually and emotionally.

I have embraced whatever has come my way because I believe that it's part of the lessons I need to learn. There have been a number of changes in my life over the past several weeks. One thought I entertained was maybe I am a transsexual. I won't have the surgery because I've been through one already (bypass). I wasn't frightened by it because I know that the possibility does exist.

Julie, I can tell by your posts and the time I've known you that you will no longer deny yourself. I'm so happy for you.

Gennee