Dos and donts of telling the SO

[Lucy]

The time has come, im at peice in my mind and the time has come. I want to tell the truth. I want to spend some quality time with my wife are there any tips on telling her and any nice girly activities we can do togemther to keep our bond special. I will explain more later.

[togetherwecan]

hi Lucy...

I can only give you my perspctive as an SO of a TG, and also that as an SO of an OCPD and OCD male (my ex husband).

Deception is the worst. It makes us feel "less than". There is going to be an emotional hurdle for your wife and even some of it will prolly be ego driven. She is going to ask herself what SHE did wrong, what she could have did different, and what is going to happen to her and change in her life.

When talking to her, I think you need to approach her with the answers ready ahead of time, and approach her on HER level. Although this situation IS all about you, in telling her you need to make it all about HER and how much you love her and that you are telling her and trusting HER because of that love. And that you do not want the marriage to change. That your feeling about her are unchanged.

These things don't always turn out well. Be prepared for many reactions. Reactions that could even change day to day I think for a while. Trust that truth is paramount for both of you, even if the truth pushes you apart. Hopefully the truth will bring you closer together. Stay strong.

Good luck. If you need to talk let me know. If she would like to talk to another SO, let me know. :hugs:

[Lucy]

TY. Lady im going to tell is the most wonderfull underderstanding person in the world. I think she will b more upset i
Didnt tell her earlier, rather than im a ts

[Brianna]

Lucy,

"any tips on telling her and any nice girly activities we can do togemther to keep our bond special?"

In my opinion this is a bad bad bad idea. She is going to want to be the woman in the relationship. You are possibly going to already be percieved as encroaching on that. This is something you can only hope she will participate with you in time.

Bri.

[togetherwecan]

Lucy,

"any tips on telling her and any nice girly activities we can do togemther to keep our bond special?"

In my opinion this is a bad bad bad idea. She is going to want to be the woman in the relationship. You are possibly going to already be percieved as encroaching on that. This is something you can only hope she will participate with you in time.

Bri.

Exactly Bri, that is what I meant when I said that her ego is going to be involved.

[Gill]

Hi Lucy:

I don't know what your relationship is and I can only tell you what my experience has been.  Want to share "girly" experiences will definitely not go over well.  She probably won't want to share anything with you at this point in time as she will need to come to terms with what it happening.  Yes she is probably the most important person in your life and telling her may risk loosing her, but you do need to tell her.  She will be hurt, resentful, wonder what the hell she did, be angry, be upset - the whole gammit of emotions, playing all the blame games.  But telling her will be the best thing you can do for the both of you.

For me I knew in little ways beginning in the early years of our married life.  The wants and needs grew and were the "elephant in the room" and they had to be addressed.  Making decisions together about what the next step is is important and hopefully she will be there to help you through this as you will be to help her through this.  Be prepared, be patient, be kind to  while she sorts through this quagmire of emotions. 

Please feel free to PM me or to give her my info if she needs someone to talk to.

Gill

[Kate]

In my opinion this is a bad bad bad idea. She is going to want to be the woman in the relationship. You are possibly going to already be percieved as encroaching on that. This is something you can only hope she will participate with you in time.

Yup, I agree with this.

One of the most common complaints I hear from my wife is, "You stole my life." Meaning, she was never really able to be the female in our relationship - at least not in the sense of a man/woman relationship. We've always been competitors rather than compliments in many ways.

It CAN evolve, and you may end up doing girly things together. But be gentle in how you approach it - let her grow into it.

Kate

[togetherwecan]

Kate that was put well about competing.
Lucy, please do not let me steer you the wrong way on how it might be. Not everyone is as open as I am. The idea of Brooke fully transitioning doesn't freak me out.
Brooke doesn't like sharing her clothes because of the stretching that occurs when ya put breasts like mine in a sweater like hers, lol. It would ruin her clothes. I undertand that. I would feel left out in a sense if she is getting more girly things then I. There has to be a balance for it not to be a competition. You wont trump her and she needs to know that.
I am a very confident woman in most ways and don't feel my womanliness is going to be compromised. I think you need to make sure your SO does not feel compromised in that way. That is what I meant when I said her ego will be involved.

[Lucy]

I just wanted to let you all know how it went, I will speak more tomorro but I heed to be there for "SO" right now. First was unbeleife and then anger, weve talked it through and she is prepared to hang around for now. I've been given many options depending on what I want in life. Most of them meaning devorce. 1 of them doesn't. I get my head sorted and dont transition.

thanks for listening.

speak soon

love lucy

PS i can read your replies from my mobile..

till later

[Julie Marie]

Lucy, I know this is tough.  Telling your SO can go wonderfully or horribly.  When it goes bad it's usually because the SO doesn't understand transgender issues and/or has misinformed ideas about them.  If she'll listen, tell her not only who you are but who you aren't.  Often times the who you aren't part is more important because of the negative stigmas attached to being TG.

I wish you all the best.

Julie

[Lucy]

Im sorry but i dont understand

[togetherwecan]

Lucy it doesn't sound like things went too well, I am sorry. When your SO is ready for a little support of her own please suggest she come here and talk to us or to at least come here and read. There are many SO's here that can help her sort her feelings.
*hang in there hugs*


PS I would be willing to meet your SO in our SOchat anytime as well if she just needs to vent, cry, learn...

[Brianna]

This is not a nominal outcome. I am quite sorry.

I've never been married, but I would like to say this. Asking you to not transtion or to deny your feelings, if you are a transsexual, is absolutely not an option. The cost from this to your psyche and your soul would be far too high a price - even to save a marriage.

Bri

[Julie Marie]

Im sorry but i dont understand

Much of the negative stigma attached to being trans comes from beliefs such as we are doing this for perverted sexual gratification and there's a dark insidious person inside.  You first need to get her definition of what she thinks a TG is.  When she tells you this you'll be able to say, "That's not me" or "That is me."  And be honest.  She may not believe you at first since you've kept this a secret but give it time.   

In conversation with my mother, who should know me pretty well, she kept asking if I want to have sex with a man, implying that was my reason for transitioning.  I told her point blank, "No, that has nothing to do with it."  Later in the same conversation she asked if this was a sexual thing for me.  Again I had to tell her NO!  She was so immersed in the misinformation society learns from sensationalized media she just couldn't accept what I was telling her.  I felt it was more important to tell her what I wasn't than what I was.

I'm not perverted.
I'm not mentally ill.
I'm not doing this for sex.
I'm not deranged.
I'm not a child molester.

You get the idea.  There's so much BS out there about us we have to educate the public just how wrong they are.  And the same goes for the people in our lives who are just finding out about us.

I hope this helps.

Julie

[Lucy]

most conversations we have had are to try and explain what a ts is, ty julie I figgered it out just in time and I did real off your list, Im still me inside. You are right it didnt go to well, she is confused and said that there is no space for another woman in her life. She wants me to be true to myself and transition If I want. Great but I dont want to loose her either. She has prommised me that we will stay friends (thats good) but I do think my marridge is soon to be over. I have said that when I speak to the clinic I could ask about not transitioning and what tht may do. but she said if thats what I need then thats what I must do. She is still angry and very confused. This lady will not come here to talk Ive been surgesting that but I dont think its god to push her. Thank you anyway.

The hardest thing for me is just telling her how I feel, how I know that I am female. Try explaining that. She thinks I just an emotional man, but it's so much more than that.

[HelenW]

Lucy, my spouse did not react well when I came out to her either.  This was in August of 2005.  She went onto shock and went into a depression that lasted some weeks.  She was very unwilling to read anything or see anything about trans issues for a pretty long time.

I made sure that material explaining transexualism was at hand and she eventually read "True Selves" a book by Mildred Brown and Chloe Rounsley that I highly recommend.  She has begun to come with me to my support group meetings and even helps me shop now and again.

The point I want to make, Lucy, is to give your SO time and space to come to terms with this new revelation.  Remember, to her this means that she's losing her husband and the future life she imagined that you'd both have has now been erased.  Most likely, in its place are imagined fears of isolation and rejection from all who know you.  Be gentle with her and allow her to ask questions in her own time.  It's hard to predict how it will go for you but remember to expect the worst, hope for the best and rush slowly.

hugs & smiles
helen