I really just can't wait to wake up in the morning and see a softer, prettier, cuter creature looking back at me. I hate my androgenic, rough skin, my rhinophyma-esque nose, my buttchin with dense stuble, my burly-man upper lip, my deep cheekbone bags, my horrid rosacea, my unbearable oil production, my rapid balding. I feel like a monster every time I see those features, not only because they don't regularly occur on young men my age, but because I consider those features ugly to begin with (did not like them on men when I identified as gay) and I think they make a woman look like some type of circus monster. I feel like I belong in a freak show, the bearded woman. I feel like a woman %100 on the inside, and it's why it makes it so tough to look in the mirror; you know who you are, and you think about what you expect to look like based on your soul. And yet it all come crashes down when I see my reflection, every single time I never expect to see such a masculine looking face staring back at me. I've had some time to get used to these androgenic aging features, and yet I still haven't.
And of coarse, I've very intelligent and stylish; I'd rather still dress like a man if it's what makes me more attractive to an outside crowd - I truly know I can't pull any fashionable looks off in female form with a face and hair cycle I have right now. I simply am not living as a woman at the moment and I know that my face is holding my emotions back; no matter how many times I try to dress like a girl, I simply feel horrible when I look in the mirror, I feel like crying every single time. When I put on various outfits, I want more than anything to look in the mirror and my face magically have somehow returned to at least what it looked like in my teenage years - a bit softer at least - but it's really horrible what I see instead. I just finally want to look transitioned and female like most of the MTF's here. I want to finally think "Wow, I look right in this outfit." Many female outfits already fit my body very well, and at times I can make my hair do some very sexy things, it's just always the face, always the bloated, androgenic male face that looks copied and pasted from an entirely different human.
