Bigender woes...

[jesse]

had the same thing happen to me when i cut my hair i had 5 months were i didn't have to work so my i let my hair get extremely long well then snap back to reality i had to find a job off came the hair as soon as i got in the car and looked in the mirror i start to cry the girl in me cant take the short hair it makes me appear to male to stomach
Jessi

[soulfairer]

I don't even know how to parse out what's in my head enough to even explain it. I wish I was close enough to someone who would get it...and get me enough to have the conversation go something like this:

"Bigender...stupid. Hurts. No fix...no relief...stupid."

"Oh honey...I know. I get it. It does suck. It is stupid. I'm sorry."

And then I could be done with it, move on...and feel understood rather than trying to write this and achieve the same effect. *sigh*

So I normally identify as androgyn (something singular and inbetween male and female...a blend of the two...but something altogether different. [in my humble view]) And...that's not altogether correct...exactly...but mostly...most days...

I started this journey of self exploration as really identifying with bigender/two spirit. Two selves...shoved into one body, of opposite gender. That quickly turned into a rabbit hole I couldn't take...with no visible means of correction or hope of healing. The only thing I saw that I could do *for myself* so I set about combining the two sides to create one androgyne self. Made the most sense...and I figured i could get away with it.

I did...for the most part. It's worked quite well. Moments of fem self would pop in...that's fine. We can work with that. Moments of masculine self popped in (more often than not really..) and that was fine...but on the whole I stood in androgyn territory. I thought...eureka! I've won!! There was still GID because androgyny was no cure....not easy...by any means...but it was working.

A few days ago I got a hair cut. No big deal...same hair cut I always get...maybe it ended up a little bit shorter than normal but...still. Same hair cut. Now...I haven't had a hair cut since June, and I've been on T in all that time...well apparently things have been changing in my face more than I thought, and the hair cut just really made me NOTICE...and then bring on the internal whining and crying from the female self and the very...distinct feeling of...bigender. And the internal arguing started about just what to be done about this. And really...nothing. Because there's nothing to do. It's not fair, it's not reasonable, it's not easy but I only get *ONE BODY* and there's only so much I can do with it.

I can't be the adorable, short, thin waif of a girl even without T. I can't *be* that. It's not possible. (no matter how much I'd like for it to be possible.) I can't.

I especially can't be that while simultaneously grow a beard and be the strong muscly type. Not possible!!

I'm thinking about getting a wig and playing around with that. Continue to lose weight...soothe the feminine in me as best I can... and (somewhat sadly) progress on. The big unknown about where T will take me. I've been on it for almost two years now...you'd think I'd be pretty well cooked. *shrugs*

I just don't really know what to do other than hold on tight.

I try to give air to both sides...respect both in my endeavors, my crafts, my thoughts, my feelings, and my clothing choices...why the sudden *wallop* over hair as it's always been for...a long ass time!!

GID. Rawr.

Hi, Sevan,

I'm on that stage. I've been questioning where E will take me to. Just haven't got close people to talk with. Sometimes I feel the sensation of now knowing what to hold on tight to also. Sometimes I just refrain for hugging people as I did before fearing one would notice some breast development or people being close enough to see my facial hair changing...

Seven months already...