how did/do you cope before transition?

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

i was thinking about my boy life, and realize now that it sucked. compared to now, it was like living was a daily chore. i was regularly blase' and just floating around. happiness only came along on certain occassions. i didn't trust anyone. i didn't feel like anyone genuinely cared about me, and i had terrible self esteem. i felt like i wasn't as good as anyone else. basically, i just did lots of time-wasting things. so how did or do some of you cope?

[Telyna]

Video games are like drugs........only far worse XD.I still do especially online like World of Warcraft everyone in my guild thinks I'm a chick

[Keaira]

Video games, Role-Playing, Chatting online, Learning how to do 3D modeling and rendering, mastering photoshop, creative writing... The list goes on.

[VeryGnawty]

I didn't cope.  I just became increasingly disenchanted with life until even movies and video games could no longer distract me from the pain I felt inside.

[spacial]

Video games are like drugs........only far worse XD.I still do especially online like World of Warcraft everyone in my guild thinks I'm a chick

Have to agree though one which I use a lot.

Earlier this year a niece bought me a 3 month subscription to WoW. Haven't played it before because to the need for payment. Have quite enjoyed it.

The subscription ran out recently, so I too the opportunity to join the EU version of WoW, as a trial member. It is available in, I think, 5 or 6 different languages and each seem to be pretty separate. It's basically the same game, but the atmosphere is rather different.

What I have noticed though are the numbers of female characters playing. Statistically, males play these a lot more than female. My niece is a pretty tough character anyway. Now some of these players may be g-females but it seems likely that most are like me, MtF wanna bees. It could be that a lot of male players simply want to play female characters, so I shouldn't judge. But I do find this really interesting. Other online games I've played didn't have nearly as many female characters playing.

But you know something Fullmoon? I think most of us are in pretty much the same boat as you. Each has their own reasons for not progressing. At the end of the day, it absolutely has to be a personal decision. You know as much as anyone, more than many, that it takes a lot to make such a big step.

But chatting openly, on Susans, being completly honest for a change, I find is really helpful. Though I will confess to being aware that, at times, my honest can become overly frank.

[Ann Onymous]

Alcohol...lots and lots of alcohol.  But not so much that it interfered with my professional career.  It did cost me my first college scholarship though, but being on campus at 17 was probably not a good thing to begin with. 

Fortunately everything was addressed while I was still young...had it not been taken care of by the mid-20's, I doubt I would still be around to have seen my 30th birthday.  Living an incomplete life would not have been worth it...although at least the SS death benefit would have had the correct name on it since that was actually the first document changed back in '87.   

[NatashaD]

By bombarding my brain with as much information as possible to keep it engaged so I would not have to think about it. I read a lot, studied a lot, went to college then grad school, study politics, work on writing fiction, write non-fiction essays and editorials. It pays dividends too, and is a lot more helpful than drinking, drugs, or video games.

Political talk radio is especially helpful in drowning it out. So is this new 24/7 comedy radio station in my area.

[Julian]

I didn't cope.  I just became increasingly disenchanted with life until even movies and video games could no longer distract me from the pain I felt inside.

I fear this may be happening to me. I can't sit and watch TV or movies without getting all restless and anxious. Sleeping has become my main coping mechanism, along with other, more destructive habits.

[~RoadToTrista~]

Lots and lots of video games, and this site.

[LivingInGrey]

I've done the World of Warcraft thing for a while and I do have plenty of female character with 'friends' that treat me as female and use feminine pronouns, though because of work I haven't been able to play much.

Most of the time I just clean and do laundry in a bra that fits me properly (B cup'ish) or I'll wear one with fake breasts in them if I want a more full appearance (D cup) and I'll leave my hair down or put it up in a high pony tail depending on what I'm doing (outside of chatting on the forums/chat).

I'm also worried that the things I do to help keep my sanity are losing their effectiveness. I've even contemplated talking about it to my mother because that's the only next step I can take outside of going to see an actual therapist and getting started on a transition (though it would take a lot of money I don't have to get what I want out of a transition). A lot of times after wearing my bra and having my hair up/down for a while I have to take everything down again and go back out in boy mode to go to work or grocery shopping, those are the times that are the worse. When I know everyone sees me and sees a man (with a grumpy look on his face).

Someday I might just have to progress forward no matter what the cost, financially or otherwise.

[Nurse With Wound]

Pretty much like everyone else, I used video games (especially ones where I could play as a female character) as a sort of escapism.

[Tomas]

I think I was a happy child until I became a teenager and problems began. I felt worse and worse, thought that I had a schizophrenia, that I shouldn´t have been born, suffered from depressions and started to think about a suicide. Last year when I decided that I didn´t want to live this way I tried to contact a doctor. I am happy now that I made this decision and tried doctor before commiting a sucide because it has changed my life And now I can´t understand how I was able to survive all those years... Well, I still have some problems. I still suffer from social phobia and take antidepressant but it is getting better and better. I have never solved my problems with alcohol but I often run away from them to my inner world and spent a lot of time with daydreaming.

[Cen]

Basically, I just spent a lot of time trying to escape via games, Ultima Online, anime, books, the internet in general, more anime, more Ultima Online, and more books.  Later, I picked up WoW for a couple years.  It was cool at first, but the level treadmill/loot pinata type MMO's are usually the least fun and enthralling, IMO.  I also spent some time trying to deny it, instead emulating my brother and father in an effort to fit in as a male.  Terrible idea.

Some things haven't changed much.  Most of my old escapes just don't work that well, anymore.  For now, I'm just trying to scrounge money together to start HRT and electrolysis, but with my SO out of work and in a treatment center for her eating disorder, money has been tight.  Suddenly all the bills are on me.  So, I plan to binge on rice-a-roni and anime in between work and classes for the next couple months while I try to sell a bunch of crap on craigslist.  Foodstamps and selling plasma are seeming more enticing by the day.

[Lee]

Through high school I was insanely studious and involved in lots of clubs/student government/volunteer groups/etc, and that left me with little free time.  That all broke down in college (following a time of trying to be feminine), and I took to sleeping all day, avoiding people, and hurting myself, which resulted in me dropping out.  I'm working on building back up my wall of distractions, but it's hard to not slip back into my stupider ways of coping.

[Vincent E.S.]

In middle school I began regularly cutting myself and even turned to drugs; I ended up being addicted to codeine up until my freshman year of high school. I pretty much isolated myself from my family. I read books constantly and would get so obsessed that I would imagine the world of the book around me, as though I were living in the book. Once I got a dog of my own, I just poured all my attention onto her and that helped a lot. When I could, I would do little things to make myself look more masculine, but after a while it wasn't enough. All the stress I was bottling up as well as the pressure of school made my mental problems worse and I was institutionalized for a while with frequent hallucinations. Once the dam had burst, I was kind of emptied out for a while and got really depressed again. Rather than comitting suicide, I came out. Even though I'm pre-everything, it's already been a huge relief.

So, I guess I really didn't cope; I just tried to escape reality in different ways.

[Danacee]

My friends, but barring that whenever I felt like I was going to kill myself or something else crazy I smoked a cigarette. As a kid I did all sorts of things to hurt myself, but as a teen learned how to do it without leaving marks that others could easily spot. Still went around in long sleeve shirts and pants to keep marks hidden. I binge drinked and smoked pot very very heavily with friends and alone from age 14-17, but some people took advantage of my noted lucidity under the influence; stopped by 18. Kept smoking cigarettes until transition, when I the depression receded just enough for me to drop the coping mechanism.

Still what I capable of doesn't do justice to the concept of coping. I was goddamn wreck, neglected and belittled by my family to a point that cost me my entire education, hiding in plain sight was not a goddamn option and no one but my friends who went back to early middle school accepted me. I was not teased, just I did not add up in others minds.

[LordKAT]

I didn't cope.  I just became increasingly disenchanted with life until even movies and video games could no longer distract me from the pain I felt inside.

This is me. I was playing games almost 26/7. yes I said 26, I wouldn't sleep because I would dream and wake in a panic when I realized I was built right. It was transition or end up in a nuthouse somewhere.

[SandraJane]

Everything has pretty much been said already, boils down to distraction. Me it was Angry Birds, 26/7 also (:laugh) at the end until I made my choice and decision.

Most popular category of distraction? Video games! Which ones?...

SJ

[JoanneB]

Distraction certainly is the common theme. From reading all the posts, like me it works for only so long. In my pre-jurasaic days it was doing hobbies like electronics and hot-rodding. After college it was "Responsible adult" time, burying yourself in work, falling in love, marrying and denying the truth. Left to my own devices after a divorce and again after a shocking job lose, I twice flirted with doing the experiment, living part time etc.. Both times WTF'd myself out of it from the guilt, shame, and absolute fear of humiliation (former fatty). Eventually I found out there was a woman out there who could love me knowing what laid under the skin.

Now some 20-30 years later, another devastating job lose, essentially separated from my wife thanks to having to work way out of state at a mindless job where there are no heroes, the distractions are all gone. Even my old friend food betrayed me. After ballooning up to nearly 200 lbs all I could think of is how I couldn't fit into any of my clothes back home! So back to eating right which for me requires barely 1000 calories a day and not as a tray full of cookies and a glass or two of milk. Also back on a T-blocker and estrogen. Now I am back down to a nice 145 lbs and absolutely love how my body has changed over the past almost 2 years.

Also to help cope I sought out some sort of support here in the boonies of WV. Believe it or not, even with trying part time twice I never got involved with any sort of group, much less therapy. Eventually I found a fantastic group some 90 miles away. That led a few months later to seeing a therapist. The group helped immensely with me accepting myself and actually not feeling ashamed being what I am. I absolutely cannot believe how life changing it has been. They helped in my goal of feeling better about my myself and my life. The down(?) side is now with a body I am almost proud of between exercise, dieting and hormones I am flirting with at least doing part time. I cannot take hiding myself behind the brick walls of my house.

In an insane leap from rationality, I made the call Friday to the therapist about taking him up on his offer of presenting when I see him again. A week earlier it was pretty clear to us both it would be either a divorce or retirement before I would consider transitioning again. "How would this move things forward?" he asked. The number of pros and cons are fairly even. If you throw in a weighting factor it is heavily tilted towards "con". Self-esteem issues keep me from giving much merit to "It's when I am the happiest". Even if I could, the scale would still tip to "Con".

Just to walk out that door into the light of day and outside of the protected confines afforded during the monthly group meeting just may the next method to cope. Logic and reason screams NO! My heart says I need to.

Joanne

[Jen-Jen]

Love, the girl I liked, liked me back, loved me and married me. All I needed was her to be mine nothing else mattered. Her being mine and loving me override the GID! But I've lost all that now so GID is back!