Afraid to be myself

[Karlee]

How can one live like this?

I am courageous enough to admit that, yes, I am afraid to be myself. I am afraid to let the real me shine bright and reveal herself to the world.

I mustered up the courage to finally make some progress with my life and not let society shut me down. I want nothing more to align how I feel on the inside with what I look like on the outside, so I went out and let Karlee shine. I felt alive. I felt a happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. My heart was finally beating the way it should. Though it was short, those 5 minutes made me realize that this is the path I want to take.

And in realizing that, I was fearful. I was literally scared sick by some skateboarders that rode past me....so scared I turned and hid in a public toilet. So scared that I turned around, raced to my car and almost cried...feeling the adrenaline rush through my body and feeling my limbs shaking. Why should I have to deal with this? Why should I let society get ontop of me like this, to the point where I am scared and forced to shut away what so dearly needs to come out?

Typing this is giving me butterflies. Butterflies that are telling me that I need to let Karlee out, that I need to let her escape this outer shell and blossom into the real life woman she should have been. Taking what I do in the comfort of my lonely self (where I can align my image with my heart and feel good about myself) where nobody judges me. Judge me all you want, world, you don't know the real me.

I'm taking a stand.

I will no longer be afraid to let me be me. I will no longer be afraid to let myself shine. I will no longer be afraid of what others think.

Yes, some days it will be hard, and some days I will second guess my decisions. But in the scheme of things, and in the bigger pictures, the decisions I make to transform into the girl that I am are what define me...are what create my universe...are what makes me, me...and there's no reason to shut all of that down.

I still have a lot of discoveries to make. That's part of the journey, and I will dive deeper and deeper into my personality and my gender questioning, refining me piece by piece until I am happy with who I am.

Let it begin!

Love,
Karlee.x

[caitlin_adams]

That's really sweet and uplifting and well written... I like it.

You should express your true self more often, you're beautiful inside and out.

[jainie marlena]

I could not have said it better myself. I started coming out about six years ago. Telling one person at a time. Very few people don't know. The more people that knew it opened the door for me to dress how I want but I did not even know how I wanted to dress. Lol.

I thought about going back one time but there was nothing to go back to. Being me has not changed me it has change others around me.

I was thinking the old way at work about coming out than I thought, all of my family knows so why would I care about what strangers think. Now I wear what I want at work. I found streanth in the very thing that made me weak before I ever started.

[Karlee]

Thanks for your comments, friends.

That's really sweet and uplifting and well written... I like it.

You should express your true self more often, you're beautiful inside and out.

Thanks Caitlin, very kind words. I will make it my goal to express myself as much as possible.

I could not have said it better myself. I started coming out about six years ago. Telling one person at a time. Very few people don't know. The more people that knew it opened the door for me to dress how I want but I did not even know how I wanted to dress. Lol.

I thought about going back one time but there was nothing to go back to. Being me has not changed me it has change others around me.

I was thinking the old way at work about coming out than I thought, all of my family knows so why would I care about what strangers think. Now I wear what I want at work. I found streanth in the very thing that made me weak before I ever started.

Did you find it easier telling only small amounts of people at a time? Did you receive support from them? I hope so, I love it when people express their real self.

I am hoping to find that strength deep down inside. Slow steps, to begin with. Ultimately, I'd like to get up and running asap and hopefully let Karlee out into this world.

Karlee, you're awesome! I haven't even found the courage to try going anywhere properly presenting as myself. You're totally right, though... We can't let ourselves be beaten down and defeated, even by our own selves.

And keep smiling, sweetie. You're beautiful.

Thank you very much, Adele! You always make me feel so good about myself. I hope that you can show the world the beautiful Adele, I know she is just itching to get out and about and shine!

Time for work now. :/ I look forward to hearing from everyone soon though!

Love,
Karlee.x

[jainie marlena]

@karlee, I did from kids and my sister. My kids seem to be proud of me for standing up for myself.

[Karlee]

I'm glad to hear that! You're setting a good example for them and showing them the good side of the world.

Love,
Karlee.x

[jainie marlena]

Thank you for saying that.

[Mahsa Tezani]

I was afraid to be myself in the beginning. I almost wish I had my makeup skills back then, because it was... awkward. Had I known better, I would have changed a bunch of stuff and made a smoother transition hormonal changes aside.

But you know what. looking at your pic now. You kinda look like Katy Perry and she's hot. I wouldn't be scared of anything. But yeah, as my best friend told me, "It's a process..." Over the next few years, you will grow and learn a lot about yourself... There will be ups and downs. There will be days when you regret doing it, and other days you wonder why you hadn't done it sooner.

It is a process. A frog doesn't become a toad overnight.

[Karlee]

I hope things are going well now in your transition. Takes a lot of courage to transition, and my aim is to find that courage within myself soon.

Katy Perry? I didn't even think of that level, but thank you! Mean's so much. Your best friend is right, after all, Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm glad that you ave a best friend that can help you out and support you. Would make things so much easier.

Thanks for your post!

Love,
Karlee.x

[Mahsa Tezani]

Katy Perry? I didn't even think of that level, but thank you! Mean's so much. Your best friend is right, after all, Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm glad that you ave a best friend that can help you out and support you. Would make things so much easier.

It would take work, but I don't know. I see it within you. Believe me, when you start it's a very vunerable period. I wore a hoodie and stuff, because I had listened to the wrong people at the time. I felt embarassed and humilated.

But yeah, I see the face stuff... I just think that you're in a larval state in both mind, body, and spirit. Eventually, you'll grow into Karlee and then your old male identity will help you become the Karlee you were meant to be. You'll find a balance between the two.

I don't say stuff like that to everyone.

[Karlee]

That's how I feel sometimes. The world has conditioned me to feel silly and wrong to be like this. Plus, having those around me who mean the most to me often talking about trans people in a negative and derogatory way also adds to it all. I can relate to everything you have said about it. It's sad that we, born this way, have to deal with all this negativity and humiliation. But hey, we live, we learn and we grow.

Aww thank you! Indeed, I feel that you're right. It's a learning curve for me. Having this forum and the support of all of you make it that much easier though. It's almost as if you are like 'tutors', as I am 'learning' (to put it in another perspective). I hope that what you're saying really pan's out for me.

Thank you, Mahsa.

Love,
Karlee.x

[Mahsa Tezani]

That's how I feel sometimes. The world has conditioned me to feel silly and wrong to be like this. Plus, having those around me who mean the most to me often talking about trans people in a negative and derogatory way also adds to it all. I can relate to everything you have said about it. It's sad that we, born this way, have to deal with all this negativity and humiliation. But hey, we live, we learn and we grow.

Aww thank you! Indeed, I feel that you're right. It's a learning curve for me. Having this forum and the support of all of you make it that much easier though. It's almost as if you are like 'tutors', as I am 'learning' (to put it in another perspective). I hope that what you're saying really pan's out for me.

Thank you, Mahsa.

Love,
Karlee.x

Well anything is going to be a learning and growing process. Anything that is worth doing is going to be pain. I see a lot of potential in you.

[JoanneB]

I felt exactly the same as you Karlee the first time I ever dared to step outside as me. Afterwards there was plenty of guilt and beating myself up over doing something so reckless and stupid. At the same time feeling so alive for not being locked away inside my bedroom. Some 30 years later I am still afraid to be me, out in the open. Finding a basically TS group has helped immensely with self acceptance. So much so that I genuinely feel at peace and happy. No longer do I feel like some guy in a dress.

[Jillieann Rose]

At one time I was afraid to be myself.
Fear of family friends and people in general
But now I am more afraid not to be myself.
Time is short and I have lost to much already pretending to be what others want me to be.
And why should we be controlled by what we think other want us to be.
Why should we be miserable?
You need to break out of this Karlee or you will never become all that you want and dream you can be.
The chose boils down to a new life and freedom or death by denial.
As the Star Wars Yoda said "Choose wisely" 
Hugs,
Jillieann