Oh hello there, I'm gonna reply to the original post, bit by bit, and comment on it.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM
Hey everybody,
There was a time of my life when I lived in the Susan's forum - but time marches on. I've done it all, I've transitioned, I've had every surgery you can get, I'm married, I've gone stealth.
But, I was reading the comments on a TS article on HuffPo and I was just floored by remembering how much ignorance is out there. And so, I came here and started reading the forum again. Same song, different day - trouble with SOs, suicidal ideation, trouble passing, etc.
And so, I had to share my perspective about how to deal with the problem what's haunted all of you for your whole lives, just as it haunted me. My advice is non-traditional, but I really think it's the best path. This is tough love advice from someone that's gone through everything you're going through.
You mean well, I can tell, and we do have quite a bit in common, but the thing is, you haven't gone through "everything" that I'm going through.
I am not you, and you are not me.
We're two completely different persons with completely different lives.
This'll become more clear as I go through the post.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM1. Work with your therapists. Something I heard constantly when I was as Op here was "There are no therapists in my town." "It won't help me." "I don't think I should have to jump through hoops."
Here's the truth. Most of us have some serious damage from this psychologically. We're undersocialized, we have anger issues and we need therapy to move on. Beyond that, every bit of professional documentation you can get will help you with the SSA, getting a driver's licence, changing court records and the like. Get a therapist and really do the work.
I actually agree with this, to an extent.
It's near impossible (in my experience and opinion) to live with gender incongruence in this world full of prejudice and pressure to conform to gender roles without coming away battered. A qualified therapist can help you heal some of that damage the world's inflicted on you as well as be an invaluable support through the ordeal of transition itself, even "IF" the therapist was not a "gatekeeper" in any way.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM2. Leave the community. Get the support here you need, and get out as soon as you can. There is a vampiric toll that the TG community takes on you. It's like reveling in old wounds.
Eh.... yes and no.....
The trans* community can be a bit much with all it's infighting and constant reveling in the same old debates.
I've actually considered leaving Susan's, which is the only trans* specific group I "belong" to.
The reasons I've considered leaving aren't "reveling in old wounds" it's because of the infighting and petty nonsense. The whole "my way's better/righter than your way" BS which eventually makes me roll my eyes and log out because I just end up feeling pissed off at the people who come online and tell me, and others like me, directly or indirectly, that our identities are inferior, our transitions are inferior, that our struggles are BS and so on and so forth.
In other words, I consider leaving not because it reminds of how I was denied my identity and comfort in my own body in the past, but because there's people who deny me my identity here too, because I don't conform to "their" standard and I've had enough of being shamed and belittled for failing to conform to "standards" in my life.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AMI once tried dating an FTM, and what I quickly discovered was doubling up on the transgender drama led to a very negative, sad relationship. You are engulfed in drama and negativity every second you spend here - and you have your own battles to fight. Get healthy, and get out.
Excuse me, but dating "one" FTM person does not make you the expert on dating trans men.
Just as there are differences between men in general, there are differences between trans men.
As long as the people in the relationship are happy, it doesn't matter who's trans or what flavor of trans and so on.
What matters are the individuals and their interaction.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM3. Get FFS It's expensive, it's quite painful. It's worth every penny. FFS is the difference between having a normal life where you can be employed and move on, and getting stuck in limbo. I paid Dr. Siegel in Boston about $70k for my face, and I am so thankful that I did.
And, wow, was it painful. For a year it was, get a surgery, recover, get another surgery. It took a huge psychological toll on me - but it's also over. Looking back, I think FFS was more important to my mental well being than GRS.
Oh hi... you do realize that there are trans men out there too?
I mean, you did just mention having dated one once.
Secondly, 70K american dollars is more than I could scrape together in a decade, so even if I wasn't a trans man with no plans of feminizing my face, the cost isn't just in the realm of "expensive" it's in the realm of "insanely expensive" and "unobtainable".
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM4. Get a job So many of us revel in poverty and unemployment. And the economy has collapsed in recent years, which I suspect makes it even worse. But, there is life after transitioning. For myself, I was forced in my late 20s to start a career path I should have started when I was in my early 20s. The clock is ticking. You will have disadvantages, you should get started.
I can't.
I can not work.
I have a chronic pain and fatigue problem.
I can not work.
This does not mean I'm "reveling" in poverty and/or unemployment. This means that I'm struggling to make enough money to feed my daughter.
A couple dinners in September consisted of tiny pieces of chopped up meat of the cheapest obtainable kind in rice and sauce. A risotto made from scraps, packed with artificial flavors and fats, just to make for something slightly filling, so I could eat "something", so we wouldn't starve.
And dinner was frequently the only thing I ate throughout the day, save for maybe a handful of raisins just to keep afloat.
I'd make coffee from an old pack of coffee-beans I had in the freezer for "emergencies" like this.
I spent every other day literally trembling in fatigue and pain which was driven to new heights in my lack of food.
(I since got my disability payment, so we can now afford to eat actual food... so we aren't in this level of trouble any more)
My financial situation is unstable. I don't know whether or when I'll find myself in that situation again. Where I'm too skint to eat.
I considered selling what few things I have I could consider a luxury. This old laptop, books, dvds, my camera, the stacks of old toys of my daughters. I'm still considering selling these things to try and build up some small buffer, so I won't find myself as totally skint again.
It's is in no way enjoyable to be here, in this situation.
It's exhausting and terrifying and belittling.
And I can't just "get a job", to suggest so is a little cruel.
I know that there are others out there who're dealing with similar situations. People who for some reason or another literally can not work.
It's not because they're enjoying poverty, it's because they can not work.
Prior to my diagnosis I got a lot of the "lazy" comments and the offerings of contacts, it all had the "get a job" as it's core.
And I'd cave, and I'd get jobs, and I would be in so much pain I couldn't do my job, and I'd get fired or I'd quit within a few weeks as I couldn't possible actually do the job.
Getting a job is not always an option, and poverty is nothing to revel in.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM5. Go stealth Don't tell people about your past. Don't have RL transgender friends. Don't post articles about TS issues on FB, though you might feel strongly about it. Again, this is for your own sanity, for your own employment potential, and so you can just be more normal - that's the goal, isn't it? To be like other women? Moving to a new place is a great idea.
.... I don't agree with this!
See, there's a couple reasons.
1. There's the suggestion that trans women, or women who aren't "stealth" are less "normal" as other women.
One of the things that we (trans people in Iceland) are trying to get other people to understand is that trans women are women, regardless of where they are in transition. They are and always have been girls/women. They aren't "becoming" women. (And the same for men. And we're trying to also cover the non-binaries too.)
Whenever I get told, directly or indirectly, by trans people, that my associating myself in any way with the word "trans" somehow makes me less of a man I find myself rather irritated. It indicates to me that they believe that "trans" men and women are less men and women than "cis" men and women (internalized cissexism). Either that or they really mean well and batter me with the same cissexist hostility as I'm likely to face in society to encourage me to conform to society's norms so that society won't do it to me too...
Either way, it basically boils down to a trans person telling a trans person that if they don't pretend they were never trans that they won't ever be accepted by anyone, ever, anywhere.
2. I don't see how abandoning friends and refusing to speak out on issues is going to help my mental health.
I mean... by speaking out on issues can and will help me make the world better for those that come after me and will also my the world better for me (if we presume I'm stealthed; "if" I'm ever outed, or if I ever choose to out myself) by making the prejudice and hostility I face lesser for it.
At the same time, biting my tongue, pretending not to care, pretending it doesn't concern me or affect me when I witness prejudice and hostility and ignorance and other negative things regarding trans people and trans issues will make me feel worse than speaking up. Because I know that by my silence, let alone cooperation (how far will you go to avoid being outed? Will you laugh when they laugh?), I am contributing to the suffering of other people and creating a tighter noose for myself "should" I ever be outed which in turn would make stealth more and more important as well as more and more stressful.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM6. If you are TS, do not have a family before you transition. Generally speaking, the people that transition without families are far more successful than those with families, in my experience. It's drastic how much more successful you will be when you are unfettered by these complications. Maybe it's too late to do anything about this - but if you are reading this before transitioning, PLEASE take this advice.
My husband knows and has always known that I have gender issues.
My daughter is gorgeous.
My family is the most wonderful support network I have.
They aren't "complications" that "fetter" me.
I know that means I'm lucky, or even well beyond lucky.
They are AMAZING!
But the reason I'm pointing this out is to point out that it's possible to meet the "right" person, who'll stand by you through transition and love you as "who" you are even if you're changing the packaging to fit.
It won't be 100% without problems, but it's quite possible.
So, it's not a matter of either having problems or being alone, it's a matter of finding a person who you can be honest with and open with and will accept you and stand by you.... which can be done...
You aren't necessarily fettered by complications if you have a family.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM7. Don't allow yourself to wallow in delusion or excuses.
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This is the biggest one. Delusion and excuses go together with TG like peanut butter and jelly. There is an inevitable "Poor me," period when you transition. You will one day look back on your behavior as immature. The secret is, the people that are successful at this push through the hard choices and move on.
I don't know if I agree with this.
I mean, yes, there's a lot of hyperfocus, overcompensation, and excuses, but I don't know about "delusions".
Delusion is a word with a specific definition. It means holding an overwhelming conviction in something even if there is evidence to the contrary.
For example, asserting as a fact that the earth is flat and the sun orbits the earth, believing it with all the conviction in the world, even if one's being shown all the evidence that we've accumulated to the contrary.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM"I don't care if I pass. It's other people's problem, not mine."
And what if this is true? If it's true it can't be a delusion.
I do care about my appearance, and I do enjoy being read as the man I am, but my being a man is not dependent on passing and my transition is for me, not for them. People reading me wrong, or slipping up pronouns, and so on, they don't really bother me. In fact, they've bothered me less and less as my transition's progressed.
I actually don't need the outside verification any more and so I've found I've stopped fussing over little things like hand gestures or facial gestures or body posture and so on that used to make me worry I would get "caught" being "girly"... I honestly don't care.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM"My voice skills are fine."
Honestly, I've heard people fussing over their voice, being terrified it's not "okay" more than I've heard this.
Funnily enough, I've heard it more from people with voices that are far lighter and far more feminine than mine ever was pre-T.
It swings both ways.
This "can" also be true and therefore doesn't qualify as a delusion.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM"I can stay in the closet forever."
Never seen anyone say any such thing!
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM"I'm too broke to afford a therapist."
... Like I pointed out above, this can be true and therefore not a delusion....
If you're trying to scrape together 2 dollars to buy one quart of milk, you do not have money for a therapist!
A person can quite easily be "too broke" to afford a therapist!
I practically bankrupted myself to pay for mine!
I had to beg and borrow and just barely managed it!
If I had had just one little bill come up and get in my way I would have been more than "too broke" to afford a "therapist" I would have been too broke to afford ANYTHING!
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM"I don't need electrolysis."
Not everyone does.
I don't, and I'm trans.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AM"My family won't understand."
... How's this a delusion?
If you're not in a position where you can be free from your family (underage, for example) and you know they won't understand (strictly religious gay-bashers openly calling trans people names when they're on telly) then this is a reasonable thing to say.
People in this position seek out trans communities for support and love and a chance to be themselves, if only for just a few minutes.
It isn't nice to tell 'em they're delusional, or making excuses.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AMI have all of these countless times, when these people were all deluding themselves. Your success is in your own hands. The government won't help you. You friends will only barely understand. Your medical providers will generally know less than you. You are the only person you can count on. Don't sabotage yourself by choosing to beleive things that are not true, and don't wallow in excuses.
At the same time, you can't expect miracles!
If you're too skint to afford a single appointment with the therapist, then money's where you should start, and that's the problem to deal with.
If family's the problem, then that's where you start, etc, etc, etc...
My friends didn't all understand that well, but they were supportive and wonderful.
My family didn't all understand that well, but they were supportive and wonderful.
The goverment DID help me.
My medical providers didn't know everything I did, but they were happy to listen!
Yes, you've got to put in the work and make your transition happen.
You've got to work even harder to get the transition that's "right" for you, what with all the trans people telling you how to do it and the medical providers having limited information.
THERE IS NO "ONE SIZE FITS ALL" FOR TRANSITION!
But if you're willing to put in the work, then you can forge your own path and find your own happiness.
Quote from: crimsonsky on September 30, 2011, 10:40:46 AMLife exists after transition. This thing that's eating you alive right now will always be one of your greatest adventures, but it's not going to be your only one. Move through it. Some of us have the courage to push through, many of us are broken along the way. Your destiny is in your own hands.
This right here... this I agree with.
There is life after transition!
Don't forget it.
Don't define yourself as your transition.
Find things "now" that will be there after.
Don't find yourself waking up and going "now what?" when your transition is complete.
Don't find yourself wondering who you are now that you aren't "trans" any more.
Don't let transition eat you alive.
