Tough Love: My Top 7 Tips for Successfully Transitioning

[Miniar]

... My continuing to associate with the word trans and other trans persons and to be active in working towards equal rights and recognition of trans persons as the gender they consider themselves as opposed to defining them (or anyone for that matter) by the genitals they were born with does not make "trans" my "lifestyle"!

Nor does it make me any less a man!

It's simply doing what I feel is right, for me.

Stop putting me, and others, down for not doing things your way.

[Tammy Hope]

I don't have time right now for the whole thread but I'm gonna just go ahead and throw out one point:

I can't simply arbitrarily decide not to be broke. If I could have, I certainly would not be "reveling" in it.

[Felix]

Regarding trans identification being a "lifestyle" or being "part of a collective," I feel an obligation. I hesitated to come out of the closet, partly because I didn't want to be defined by this (I don't like thinking about the same issue all the time), and partly because of pure fear. I would not have had so much fear, and might've been able to come out ten years ago, if somebody, anybody else was out in my life.

I thought I was the only FTM on the planet, and only had a vague idea that MTF individuals existed. That isn't fair. I hope that my being visibly out lets some kid somewhere know that he or she is not alone. I hope that my being willing to go to marches and vote in elections gets people to have the arguments that might lead to changes in the public consciousness. I can't handle the idea that transitioning could ever be this hard for anyone else.

What good is all this suffering, if the change it creates only benefits me?

[LifeInNeon]

This isn't really tough love as much as it is a classist, ableist, borderline transphobic rant.

[Jenny_B_Good]

so you can just be more normal - that's the goal, isn't it

Not for everyone, matter of fact 'normal' can get pretty creepy depending on where you are.

"I was always fascinated by people who are considered completely normal, because I find them the weirdest of all"  - Johnny Depp

" Be careful quoting people's opinions as statements. 90% of statements made by people are really just their opinions." - Jenny B Good

nuff said

Respect,

Jen

[Gabby]

It is for some people, and for other trans person it isn't.  I sure would rather have a lifestyle than a miserable existence if that's the choice.

If there seems to be a choice then lifestyle is the one to go for.  Initially.  It's when there's no choice that full transition is necessary, people who know, know in their very Being, there's been revelations, such epiphanies of who we actually are.
---
The other part to this post (unrelated to the subject) I've sent to tekla via PM instead.

[Jen61]

When did being trans become a lifestyle, much less an alternative one?

Umm, long before you showed up to claim the title.  It is for some people, and for other trans person it isn't.  I sure would rather have a lifestyle than a miserable existence if that's the choice.

I absolutely hate the term lifestyle when use to refer to the actions of people with GID.

Life style was used in court against me- in a custody/divorce case- by my ex-wife lawyer. I was so F..... incensed that I ask the Judge to speak, the judge grant me my wish, and I said: "Judge, your honor,  please let me tell you my life style: "since THE MOTHER ABANDONE US  SEVERAL YEARS AGO: I get up at 5:30 AM every day to make up breakfast for my six children, I see them off to school, then I work a full time job, and 3 days a week a work a second part time job. I do laundry, cook, and homeworks. I do doctors appointments, go to Church, go to the gym, clean house, etc, all by myself. I attend their school extracurricular activities, and still mange to spend all my free time with them. I do not go to bars, or clubs, or anything. My life is devoted to my kids and work, I do all this because it is my duty as a father and because I love them to pieces. DOING THE RIGHT THING, THAT IS MY LIFESTYLE, BEING A FEMALE IN A BIOLOGICAL MALE BODY IS NOT MY CHOICE."

Jen61

[JessicaH]

And so, I had to share my perspective about how to deal with the problem what's haunted all of you for your whole lives, just as it haunted me. My advice is non-traditional, but I really think it's the best path. This is tough love advice from someone that's gone through everything you're going through. 


I still don't understand all the hyper negative responses. She simply said: Here are some common problems I see and I think you will be better off if you follow my suggestions.  We are all so different so there is no "one way" to do this, for ANY of us but that shouldn't preclude people reflecting on the path they successfully took and sharing it with others.

Bri, I want to say, "thanks for taking the time to write your post and share with others that are on this journey."  I didn't agree with every letter of it but I thought it had some really good points that are valid for a LOT of people. Sure, it would have been better had you not erantly put it in the general TS section instead of the MTF section but it was pretty obvious that it wasn't directed at FTMs so they should relax a little bit on that.  By the way Bri, I gave you a reputation bump a few days ago but someone removed it...

[Arch]

Sure, it would have been better had you not erantly put it in the general TS section instead of the MTF section but it was pretty obvious that it wasn't directed at FTMs so they should relax a little bit on that. 

First of all, it wasn't at all obvious to me that it wasn't aimed at FTMs until I started seeing FFS (which I figured was just a glitch that she would clear up later) and, after that, assumptions that we all want to be "normal" women. So many people outside of the community assume that you can only go one direction that I am not too pleased when people inside the community say "transsexual" and clearly mean "MTF." Sorry, but I have encountered this a lot from trans women, and it makes me seem invisible in the larger transsexual community, one place where I should be uniquely visible.

I registered my objections in my last post in this thread. If you read it and you still don't understand why I was irritated, then I guess we will have to "agree to disagree" and leave it at that.

Oh, and this was not in the general TS section; it was in the general TG section (I think I have already pointed this out twice, but here I am doing it again). That type of assumption pretty much conflates TG with TS; when you add the other assumption/implication that all TS are MTFs, some people's feathers are going to get ruffled.

I did acknowledge her good intentions, but I felt that I had to register my perceptions.

[Robyn]

As with others, I don't agree with every tip given, but I appreciate that there is some very good advice provided. I also applaud the thought given to the topic and the nonconfrontational presentation. I'm pleased that everyone responded in a polite manner. That's the way to have meaningful discourse.

Bravo Zulu.

Robyn

[jesse]

in my opinion this topic has run its course i sure wish Brie would have responded to some of the concerns raised she may have been in a hurry when she typed it and didn't think her choice of words threw i dint know as she never returned to the thread after starting for all we know she chucked a grenade into the forum just to see how badly we would go after each other for the amusement of herself and her friends sorry my cop distrust of peoples intentions is showing again. anyrates this is my last post on this thread so again Brie if your intentions were sincere thanks for your input but no thanks i will remain with the community that never labled me a freak even when i was labling myself as one and i have to much respect for the ftm to exclude them from any conversation some of them arch and min come to mind immediately are some of the brightest people i have met on here and there are others as well
Jessi

[angelfaced]

+1

I had a bunch of friends get on me for not attending the trans march(who later deleted me on fb). I was like, "Going to a march? What will that solve?" and they got upset at me for simply expressing my opinion. Not saying there needs to be community, for some people they need it. But I didn't want to go and I had to work. I didn't even attend PRIDE.... Living in SF, I was sick of being bombarded with the "lifestyle" and "culture". I am an individual, not part of a collective.

There was also this other incident where I criticized them for putting, "VOTE FOR CHAZ BONO" having lesbian parents, I was bombarded with "support so and so because they are LGBT" growing up. I said straight out, "I DON'T CARE"

I am not gonna support someone because they are LGBT...I am gonna support them for doing what I like and simply being trans or anything for that matter isn't grounds for support. I don't care much for Chaz Bono's "entertainment"...But hey, good for him being his true self. He wasn't very good on "DWTS"... I voted for someone else. Just like I don't like every gay activist or lesbian out there..

As for the rest...no comment. I don't feel I am in the position to comment, because I kinda just live my life. But the OP did put a lot of thoughts into backing up her opinions.

So bravissimo for that!

sigh, thank god im not the only one that has this opinion about being ts. ive been full time for 6 months and loving every minute of it. Going to clubs and parties and having gg friends and dating normal strait guys. I pass extremely well and have assimillated remarkably. however, even tho im not done with my transition yet ( surgery next year sometime) im starting to realize that i might lose some of the friends ive gained through this experience. Some people i know instead of blossoming have actually gone the other way, only leaving the house in boy mode even after name and gender marker changes and going to bars and restaraunt that cater to gay freindly clients and customers. I know that passing has something to do with this but i cant allow them to drag me down because they feel like they are not accepted. I hate saying stuff like this cu it really sounds cruel but im just being honest. my entire life I didnt feel like i was a trans person in a boys body, i was a girl, so why would i want to live the rest of my life accknowladging being trans. I grew up wanting to be female, not ts, so that what i am and eventually and unfortunately some of my friends may feel they have to close the door on me and i cannot be responsible for that. after i am completely and totally female, i will start distancing myself from the community in person. I have decided that i will always be on ts forums like this one and others but in a supportive capacity. good topic

[Mahsa Tezani]

sigh, thank god im not the only one that has this opinion about being ts. ive been full time for 6 months and loving every minute of it. Going to clubs and parties and having gg friends and dating normal strait guys. I pass extremely well and have assimillated remarkably. however, even tho im not done with my transition yet ( surgery next year sometime) im starting to realize that i might lose some of the friends ive gained through this experience. Some people i know instead of blossoming have actually gone the other way, only leaving the house in boy mode even after name and gender marker changes and going to bars and restaraunt that cater to gay freindly clients and customers. I know that passing has something to do with this but i cant allow them to drag me down because they feel like they are not accepted. I hate saying stuff like this cu it really sounds cruel but im just being honest. my entire life I didnt feel like i was a trans person in a boys body, i was a girl, so why would i want to live the rest of my life accknowladging being trans. I grew up wanting to be female, not ts, so that what i am and eventually and unfortunately some of my friends may feel they have to close the door on me and i cannot be responsible for that. after i am completely and totally female, i will start distancing myself from the community in person. I have decided that i will always be on ts forums like this one and others but in a supportive capacity. good topic

My entire therapy group was filled with what the older straight transwomen there dubbed "weekend warriors". Basically, they worked their IT jobs, were on hormones, and would change into their "alt" identities after work. We live in the bay area and there are plenty of trangender people in the computer field. So they clearly had other reasons for not wanting to come out. I won't go into the specifics, but I cut my ties there immediately. I kinda wish I hadn't went to the group and just went to the clinic for hormones. Whether we want to admit it or not, there are cliques in the transworld. Even on this board, we're divided by several things. Instead of being in the shark tank...I said, "screw that" and went to hang out in the straight world. Unlike the gays, I am not reminded "You used to be a cute ass boy..." all the time.

I still do go out to gay bars. I've went to straight bars with no issue. But a lot of my blossoming and exploration hasn't happened because I've been in a difficult relationship. I love the man, but because I had been with him since I started I wasn't able to meet other people.

[JessicaH]

First of all, it wasn't at all obvious to me that it wasn't aimed at FTMs until I started seeing FFS (which I figured was just a glitch that she would clear up later) and, after that, assumptions that we all want to be "normal" women. So many people outside of the community assume that you can only go one direction that I am not too pleased when people inside the community say "transsexual" and clearly mean "MTF." Sorry, but I have encountered this a lot from trans women, and it makes me seem invisible in the larger transsexual community, one place where I should be uniquely visible.

I registered my objections in my last post in this thread. If you read it and you still don't understand why I was irritated, then I guess we will have to "agree to disagree" and leave it at that.

Oh, and this was not in the general TS section; it was in the general TG section (I think I have already pointed this out twice, but here I am doing it again). That type of assumption pretty much conflates TG with TS; when you add the other assumption/implication that all TS are MTFs, some people's feathers are going to get ruffled.

I did acknowledge her good intentions, but I felt that I had to register my perceptions.

I stand corrected. She totally screwed up where she put it. It clearly should have been in the MTF TS section as most of what she said would only apply to a MTF TS.

Luckily, we won't have to deal with here miscatagorizations ever again.

[tekla]

What I am, is what I choose to be.  I think of that as the power position.  I don't seek pity, or sympathy, or even empathy - have no need for any of them really.  All I want is for people who disagree, to get the hell out of my way, because I don't want to hurt them, but I'm not slowing down, or even swerving from them.  If they get run over - well, road kill is part of life in the fast lane.

This is part of my life, part of my life's course, part of what makes me be me and I'm not about to change it - I intended to continue to use to to my maximum advantage.  (And if you don't see the advantage in it, then that's just the poverty of your imagination.)  I'm not going to let anyone make it wrong - but neither do I care if anyone else makes it legitimate.  That's just other people's point of view, which of course, they are welcome to - but understand it make no difference to anyone outside of yourself.

The people I've seen be successful with this find a way to envelop it in their life, it become part of them, but it does not rule them.

That which you see as a weakness, a liability, a determent, as burden,  will drag you down like a boat anchor.  That which you embrace as a strength, as a unique (even thought its not) attribute, as a power - will empower you.

Once upon a time, I tried really hard to be the nice person.  To be the sensitive, kind, understanding, 'oh that's OK' kind of human that is so often praised in life. OH MY GOD I TRIED SO HARD TO BE LOVED.  What I got was run over.  So, on that day when I embraced what I really was, a bitch, a prick, and a perfectionist on top of all that - not only did my pay quadrupedal overnight, not only did the shows and classes get better, but I also got rid of all the people who demanded that they required my sensitivity, my understanding, my kindness, and I replaced them with people who only wanted to do the next right thing.  Not only did I get rid of a lot of crap in my life.  I also found people who loved me.  Really loved me, for exactly what I was.  Who took all that I was as a total package, and didn't single out any one thing.

It was awesome.



I've sent to tekla via PM instead  No you didn't, you send me your useless profile.  And, don't bother to send what you wanted to.  Really. I don't read PM's from people I don't know.  And, based upon your posts - and your quitting - and your coming back (God, make a choice) and your posts since then. I really don't want to know you. (Hey, at least I'm honest and I'm not wasting other people's time.)

[Gabby]

What I am, is what I choose to be.  I think of that as the power position.

No-one chooses to be a MTF or FTM.  What someone does is chose to deny who they are.  But if there's choice involved where real happiness is possible with lifestyle then I'd go for the lifestyle option first, as I said upthread.

I sure would rather have a lifestyle than a miserable existence if that's the choice.

I know choosing to have a lifestyle when I could be all that I am, is a miserable existence.  I've lived the miserable life and no amount of success ever fills it, and especially not internet bragging.

I've sent to tekla via PM instead  No you didn't, you send me your useless profile.  And, don't bother to send what you wanted to.  Really. I don't read PM's from people I don't know.  And, based upon your posts - and your quitting - and your coming back (God, make a choice) and your posts since then. I really don't want to know you. (Hey, at least I'm honest and I'm not wasting other people's time.)

What you mean is you can't respond to PM's highlighting your ageist mindset, long before you turned up over and over the like appears in your posts.  I know why Kathy set up Trueselves.

[kelly_aus]

Tekla, I admire your style.. But being a realist around here doesn't seem to get you far..

[Gabby]

...on that day when I embraced what I really was, a bitch, a prick, and a perfectionist on top of all that ..... I also found people who loved me.  Really loved me, for exactly what I was.  Who took all that I was as a total package, and didn't single out any one thing.

But you've singled out one thing haven't you.  Are you a bitch, a prick, or are you like everyone else the total package?

Anyway this has nothing to do with the topic.

[crimsonsky]

Wow, this is a much bigger discussion than I had imagined.

First of all, if you don't like this advice - just ignore it and go about your merry way. But don't kid yourself - getting through this successfully puts you in the minority. It's sad but true. Many of us don't get to lives where we're perceived in the gender we wish, or can get employed or have meaningful relationships. Many get stuck in limbo, or frankly die along the way. I've had five friends commit suicide.

Follow your own path, but don't kid yourself about your chances. Cowboy up and get to work.

Secondly, this thread is a lovely example of why leaving the community is a good eventual goal. You can't reach everyone. There's a lot of trauma, defensiveness and hostility. If you stay in the community, you will drown in this negativity. There are certainly positive people that have transitioned, and if you are inclined, I would suggest seeking those out. Personally, I find that one on one friendships have less noise.

Thirdly, I realize that many people have families before they transition - and I understand the reasons for this. But, don't kid yourself - transitioning with a spouse and children is a HUGE complication. That doesn't mean there can't be a lot of love there - but now EVERYONE needs therapy. And the vast majority of married people end up getting divorced, in my experience. Maybe your kids are supportive of your change, but you're a parent which means they are looking to YOU for support - and transition is an immensely selfish time. It's just common sense that it's simpler without a spouse and children.

The bottom line is this - transitioning is a lot of work. It's a full time job. Voice skills, therapy, learning social interactions, dealing with legal matters, electrolysis - it's SO MUCH work. It consumed me for an entire year, and having three FFS surgeries and recovering consumed me for another year.

When I came out of the closet, I wrote to Jennifer Finney Boylan, whose book "She's not There" inspired me to take action. She wrote me back something that stayed with me all these years. "The movement you need is between your shoulders." Your momentum is there too, but wallowing in this kind of nonsense is the opposite of that. Pick a plan and kick some bootie. ^^

[Steph]

Great post Crimsonsky.

You tell it like it is.  It's no wonder that society has difficulty accepting TS men and women, when there is so much drivel posted on the boards and to be honest how can they understand when they see or are aware of folks expressing their warped idea of what men and women are.  We will never be accepted while so called gender benders claim rights they are not entitled to.