What to do about college?

[MRH]

Right now I am out to a few people. My boyfriend, his friends, my friends and my mum. Although they have accepted it there really isn't any space for me to be "Max" because we are always around someone who doesn't know me that way and also I think a lot of my friends despite knowing how uncomfortable I am being a girl will still call me "she". I don't mind too much but the place I feel the worst is at college.

Being on a games course its mainly all guys and 17-20 year old guys can be reasonably immature. None of them like me and I know why. Most guys (and remember I'm not saying all young guys are this way) make friends with females in the hope to get something more out of the friendship and the guys at college are those kind of guys. Because I look boyish they have no interest befriending me as a girl but because I am not a guy they don't wanna befriend me as guy.
Admittedly I am quite shy and do struggle to start conversations but whenever I have had a chance to speak I have but they just seem to act like I'm not there and I almost feel like a little kid trying to get the attention of the older, cooler kids and they just aren't interested. Its hard because I almost feel like I should be more feminine just to be noticed but then I think why would I wanna make myself feel worse?

Its also difficult there because I'm too worried to use the toilets as several times people think I'm using the wrong ones and it can be embarrassing. I figured I only have one year of college left so why not come out at college? There are a few risks though. I almost want to do this as an experiment because I haven't ever really had the chance to be Max as Ive said before. I'm worried that coming out at college is too big a step for where I am right now. I am a guy and I know I'm a guy but I'm not 100% on transitioning yet due to other things in my life which I wont post about on this thread.

If I come out at college as Max can I go back to being closeted at Uni if I feel its best to not be Max yet? Also I think some of the guys on the course are looking at the same Uni as me so can I trust them not to go and tell people I was a dude at college? It does all seem risky but I really need a place where I can be Max. Away from my family and close friends. Even though the guys at college aren't the maturest of people I don't see them as having a major problem with this. If they do they will just keep quiet. They wouldn't do anything to hurt me in anyway and plus if they did the college has a zero tolerance to bullying.They would get kicked off the course. I kinda think (or perhaps just hope) that by me being able to be male I will have more confidence approaching the guys and they will stop thinking I'm this wierd boyish girl and start to see me for more who I am.What would you guys do? Thanks

[Arch]

MRH, you might get a better response if you break the wall of text into smaller chunks. When I see all of that unbroken text, I usually won't even read it. Most people like paragraphs.

I don't really have advice about this situation, but I find myself wondering whether you have changed your name. If you plan to change your name legally, you might want to do it before you get your diploma or certificate or whatever it is.

[Annah]

MRH, you might get a better response if you break the wall of text into smaller chunks. When I see all of that unbroken text, I usually won't even read it. Most people like paragraphs.

What he said. Ive been reading a ton of books for my classes. When I see a wall of text I get all googly eye!

[MRH]

At 1am I wasnt all that fussed about my presentation but I will take it into consideration now 

[Annah]

If I come out at college as Max can I go back to being closeted at Uni if I feel its best to not be Max yet? Also I think some of the guys on the course are looking at the same Uni as me so can I trust them not to go and tell people I was a dude at college? It does all seem risky but I really need a place where I can be Max. Away from my family and close friends. Even though the guys at college aren't the maturest of people I don't see them as having a major problem with this. If they do they will just keep quiet. They wouldn't do anything to hurt me in anyway and plus if they did the college has a zero tolerance to bullying.They would get kicked off the course. I kinda think (or perhaps just hope) that by me being able to be male I will have more confidence approaching the guys and they will stop thinking I'm this wierd boyish girl and start to see me for more who I am.What would you guys do? Thanks

Ok this is just my opinion, but if I were you (and this is exactly what I did) just stay as you are in college and then come out right before you get to the University.

For me, I did this so I would not create confusion. If you were presenting as a female or if people assumed you were presenting as female, then go to male and then go to female again at the University you will not only create confusion for those around you but you may create a fuel in which they can harass you. They can say "look at that person...can't even make up their mind if they are a boy or a girl."  The last thing you wanna do in a college regarding transitioning is to switch genders and go back and repeat the process. Even to the most sincere and accepting person this would be very confusing....they would have no idea how to approach you or even what to do about pronouns because you keep on switching on em.

If you feel uncomfortable transitioning now, then don't transition. Transition is a big event in your life when you make that conscious and physical effort to step across the gender line. It is never meant to be rushed. If you feel like you are queasy about doing it then don't do it just yet.

If I were you and if you were ready then I would transition at the University....be Max before you step into that place. If the previous people at your last college is there now, then who cares what they think. The University (to my understanding) is much larger than a college over there. You will meet other LGBT people and you may click with them.

Do what you feel is right. Transitioning, detransitioning, and transitioning again like you mentioned may not be a good idea. But that's just me.

[MRH]

Yeah I guess I just feel that I'm getting no where being Meg and it stops me from wanting to go to college because I see all the guys and I feel like I'm missing out. If I was more confident and assertive maybe I could still be "one of the guys" without being a guy but right now I feel so negatively about myself that I struggle to be confident with them. I'm also really worried about certain people reading me as male and referring to me as male in front of everyone because then I would have to act embarrassed and I know people would laugh and it would be very awkward such as today.

We went on a trip to look at a local university and as a lecturer passed by he commented on my bag saying "What do you have in their young man." I began to really s**t it because I was surrounded by my class mates. One friends ears pricked up but he didn't mention anything. I love being referred to as "young man" theres nothing better but when I'm surrounded by class mates I feel so awkward. It's OK if it happens around my mum or friends because they know but at college people would laugh about it for ages. As I said I would come out as Max in a heartbeat if it wasn't for other issues in my life that kinda hold back my transitioning.

I'm wondering whether I should just let my tutors know although I'm not really sure what good that'll do. It's just this obviously brings me down a lot being female which leads to a decline in my work and I suppose I don't want the tutors to think I'm slacking but that there are certain problems causing a few issues with my ability to function at college right now.

Anyway I've babbled too much.

[Taka]

i don't know if it's a good idea to come out in college if you're not sure about how you'll transition yet or whether you'll have to act female again shortly after coming out. as annah said, it may only cause a lot of confusion for others

but i do think it would be a good idea to talk to your tutors about it. just tell them about your situation, and if they're good people they might be able to help you instead of dragging you further down when you're having difficulties

[sazzles]

i transitioned about 2 years prior to starting uni then just before i started i purged and reverted back to living as male. after a while it became evident that i couldnt cope with being male and had to re grow my hair and re fill my wardrobe and so on, it took until my second year in uni to get everything together and sorted before i finally transitioned again!

i have to be honest, it was the hardest thign to walk into a lecture theatre filled with people that knew me as male before the summer and then walk into it as myself, but i was lucky, in the sense that i had been fairly open with some people and uni were really supportive of me so it has actually gone quite well.

that was 15 months ago and it all seems to be going well now, once i got over the initial fear and people realised which pronouns to use everything is great i am not saying this would be the case for everyone, i think i am just lucky sometimes but i think there will always be some reason not to transition. some reason why it isnt the right time. but only you will know when it is the right time and only you will know when you are ready!

whenever you decide to transition, once the first bit of walking into somewhere new, or as yourself is over with, the feeling of being accepted for who you are gets so overwhelming and overrides the anxieties you had previously felt.

good luck on whatever you decide to do

Sarah