Grieving

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Everyone,
First of all - thank you - one and all for being such supportive mentors. I don't whether you will ever appreciate the value of your efforts.

Secondly. How relevant is the issue of grieving the loss of your male persona after the operation? (Assuming MTF) Is it part and parcel of the journey? Does it happen to everyone? Does it happen at all?

As I started in earnest last week to complete the journey this time, the thought of saying goodbye to Paul really struck a chord. After the operation, there will be no such entity any more. He's gone. At long last, although he was really only a lie.

Is there a tried and proven process for this?
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine

[annette]

Hi Catharine

Well, it's 27 years ago but I still remember the evening before surgery in the hospital.
I was looking down and I thought, tomorrow it's gone and I was crying.
Crying of the ultimate happiness, finally it will be done, finally I will be a woman, after all those struggles and fighting against all odds.

I don't remember the man I use to be, I know it was a depressive man, a female looking man, bullied for that, beaten for that and now, after all, I won.

The victory was mine and a new life without that nasty depressing feeling of missing something in life could start and it did start, for me there were no boundaries anymore, free at least.

In that time the srs was a bit more painfull than today, the after care was not that good and it seems that they had to invent painkillers, you were seen as a weirdo these days, complaining about pain? hey...you wanted it didn't you?but it was worth it. More than worth it.

To answer your question, (what I think allready did) I have another question for you, what makes you grieving, the lost of identity of a boy who wasn't happy with his life?
The poor boy who was repressed by his own feelings?

I don't think that is something to grieve on but. that from my perspective.

I hope you don't grieve too long, dear, coz there is a whole new life waiting for you and remember everything you will be grieving on from the past will be counting off from your future.

Be happy hun, even it's the last thing you will do, be happy, life is too short for grieving.


Hugs
Annette

[Debra]

I can somewhat understand what you mean about grieving your old self. I didn't do it after surgery though....the change was long gone before then. For me, I think when I changed my name (very early into transition) that was a defining moment for me. I had never hated my name or anything and it was special and given to me by my parents. In that way, I did feel a sense of sadness....but it didn't last long.

In a way, the changing of the name was more defining of the change in who I am...than the surgery. Afterall, the surgery just changes a physical aspect (a very important one) that most people in your everyday life never see....and those of us who had the surgery already had to live for at least a year as the new person we are. =)

[Re: Joyce]

My grieving was over long before the surgery.  It seemed to center around that day that the gavel fell and ended the life of him.  I speak of my legal name change.  That was the day he ceased to exist. 

      By the time I got to the hospital, I was ready to go and as happy as I could be.  The moment I'd looked forward to my entire life was finally at hand.
   
      Dr. McGinn even commented on my calm and resolute state of mind.  She said, "you don't even seem nervous".  I replied that I had nothing to be nervous about.  I had the easy part--all I had to do was go to sleep.  She'd do the difficult part for me.  When I woke up, it would be all over.

      Yes, the name change was the grieving part.  Once I got over that, it was celebration all the way.

[juliemac]

No grieving, no feeling of loss. Just moving on.
The amazing thing is that I feel more at peace, more self confidence than before.
My mother told me (and she was the WORST detractor) that I never looked happoer.

[Sarah B]

No grieving whatsoever and I certainly did not lose anything.  In fact I gained far more than I ever did.  I gained peace, contentment, including a clarity and a focus on my life that I never had.  This occurred nearly 21 years ago.

I walked in to the hospital on the day of my surgery and I never gave it a second thought, I could not wait to get on to the operating table and in fact they asked me if I could get on to it myself and I said yes and this was after an epidural was given and just after surgery, which was early on in the evening and the second time I woke up from my surgery, I felt a peace and contentment that I have never had in my entire life up to that point.

I only ever had surgery for reason and one reason only and this needs to be explicitly stated, I had surgery so that I could function as any other female in society.  I have never ever regretted what I have done and to this day if I even think of what I had once sickens me to the core of who I am and I thank my lucky stars that the surgery is totally irreversible.

So to answer your question, no I never felt sorry, cried or greieved over my previous persona, it was never real in the first place.  If you like he died so that I could live.

Warm regards
Sarah B

[Catherine Sarah]

Thank you everyone for your constructive comments. They have all helped me with coming to terms with my impending loss, yet greater gains and excitement for the future.
Annette
In that time the srs was a bit more painfull than today, the after care was not that good and it seems that they had to invent painkillers, you were seen as a weirdo these days, complaining about pain? hey...you wanted it didn't you?but it was worth it. More than worth it.

27 years ago was about when I was doing my initial investigations into SRS surgery. Here in Australia there was basically nothing happening. It was all overseas and to the standard you eluded to. Also research at the time relating to HRT therapy was highly suspect and highly carcinogenic. That was enough to send shudders through me to put it on the back burner for the time. And thankfully has shown, it never goes away. Thank god.

To answer your question, (what I think allready did) I have another question for you, what makes you grieving, the lost of identity of a boy who wasn't happy with his life?
The poor boy who was repressed by his own feelings?

Paul has always been the vehicle to take Catherine into areas of male domination for her to be convinced Paul was really a lie. Catherine's body had made a mistake. It was also Paul who was abused in his teens and older youth several times by men, but it was Catherine defining moment when she realized she could please men. Basically from that point on Paul's demise started, for that and other feminine fulfillment ideals. So Catherine has never been outwardly manifest, until recently; so she wants to acknowledge the services of Paul. Put him to rest respectfully, grieve, and more on into the long awaited persona of Catherine, complete and irreversible.

hope you don't grieve too long, dear, coz there is a whole new life waiting for you and remember everything you will be grieving on from the past will be counting off from your future

I feel the grieving process has already started. Catherine can't wait any longer.

Debra
and those of us who had the surgery already had to live for at least a year as the new person we are. =)
Thank you for your perspective on your change. I would certainly like to take this course of action, however with family and business matters to clear up, regrettable the official name changes will be the last thing on the
list, except for the mandatory live as' component.

Joyce
    By the time I got to the hospital, I was ready to go and as happy as I could be.  The moment I'd looked forward to my entire life was finally at hand
I can feel your expectation jumping out at me. It's still a long road, but I'm really starting to get excited.

Julie
I'm envious your journey. You obviously related more to your feminine persona, more than I. Probably our environmental upbringing was quite different.
I'm about to find out my mother's opinion. when I visit her later this month to talk about this matter. How many suit cases of my clothes she purged before I left home , I lost count of. I think mothers opinion was it's only a passing phase, if I purge, it'll go away Well; we are 45+ years in to the "phase" and if anything has happened at all, it's we've moved off the Richter scale considerably. I don't think there will be a change to the "phase" all too soon, if ever.

Sarah B

I walked in to the hospital on the day of my surgery and I never gave it a second thought, I could not wait to get on to the operating table and in fact they asked me if I could get on to it myself and I said yes and this was after an epidural was given and just after surgery, which was early on in the evening and the second time I woke up from my surgery, I felt a peace and contentment that I have never had in my entire life up to that point

Although I have a dreaded fear of operating rooms, totally unjustified. This is one op, there is absolutely no room for the fear factor. There's too much anticipation factor

You had an epidural? Do you think that made to process easier? I must assume both Drs Brissard from Montreal and McGinn use this technique together with penile inversion in preference to the Thailand technique.

Thank you all. I trust you are all safe, well and happy (I can see THAT from reading between the lines.
Lotsa luv
Catherine