I'll start out by saying that I love my day job (I have two - a paid day job that pays the rent and a creative job that occasionally pays but at the moment mainly consists of ambition and thankless toil, lol!), but I'm finding it slightly difficult at the moment because of my ->-bleeped-<-.
I know it's not practical to be totally out, as lots of my colleagues just wouldn't understand it and I may well make things very difficult for myself if I tell them I'm trans. But I don't want to completely stall the beginning stages of my transition or be miserable at work. So I've settled on sort of a compromise - I'm myself at work, including my masculine appearance, but still go by my female name and female pronouns.
However, people are beginning to notice that something's 'different' about my gender identification, and there's speculation, I can tell.
Much of it (to my face, at any rate - Lord only knows what they're saying behind my back... am I paranoid? Perhaps I'm paranoid) seems harmlessly curious and even quite amusing. One colleague reckons that I look like the latest Dr. Who and has started to jokingly call me 'he' and 'The Doctor'.
A colleague and quite good friend asked me point blank the other day, 'Are you one of those people who... would you ever have a sex change?' I didn't quite know what to say, largely because he and I can have entire conversations with neither of us being entirely sure whether the other is serious or joking, and this was just such a conversation. He frequently tells me, 'You look like a boy' or refers to me as 'Boy', and seems to have this sort of vaguely uneasy but mostly detached acceptance of my increasing masculinity.
There comments from other colleagues that I don't quite know how to feel about. One older woman walked into the changing room the other day and said to me, 'I think we should have a vote to get you to use the boys' changing rooms, because every time I see you, you look more like a lad.' It was said, I think, partly out of bafflement and curiosity, but in its essence it was really quite offensive - not because she thought I looked like a lad, or even because it betrayed her discomfort at changing in the same room as me... more because she said it to highlight that she'd noticed something she thought strange about me and express her intolerance of it.
The thing is, that I'm starting to realise that more and more I'm passively revealing myself to be transgender, just by being myself. I'd have to make an active effort to appear feminine and hide my ->-bleeped-<-, and I desperately don't want to do this, as it would make me deeply unhappy. And I don't have the emotional or physical energy for prolonged subterfuge. So I'm sort of coming out partly against my will, and it's making me feel a bit helpless and out of control, because I'm still anxious about people's reactions and have this self-preserving instinct to hide this part of myself that I feel might expose me to prejudice.
Sorry - I'm not seeking advice or sympathy, though advice would be much appreciated - I just wanted to vent!
xxxx
