It is 01:21 at present. I had gone to bed early, a function of sheer physical and emotional exhaustion.
It was a hard day for both of us, but more so for her, as her doctor gave her some difficult news to bear. Not 'terminal', but still difficult to bear.
I had asked her how she was feeling and eventually while telling me, she started crying. As it does always, it ripped me apart to see her in such a state--for her, a rare state.
One of the things that she said while crying was, "My whole life is falling apart"
And I knew exactly what she was talking about: US.
(swallowing hard, tears coming on...)
I did not know quite what to do; "I am the primary source of what she is going through, right now. What can I say to her? How can I comfort her?"
She had said (thought) that she was finished grieving over 'this' but in reality, neither of us are.
I mused briefly about 'going back'; going back to that state of pseudo-masculinity which ultimately failed for me.
I couldn't sustain it--or life anymore.
But I just cannot go back to that. It wouldn't last long if I could, or 'de-transitioned'; much more so now, for I have seen the true.
We both had thought that ours would be of many years duration and now we both are still grieving over and trying to resolve the imminent demise of it..of 'us'.
She told me for so many years she wanted to find a good man, marry him, have a family and grow old together with him. She had told me this before. I knew and understood the pain that she had suffered as a function of this.
And I told her that I too had dreamed of such and hoped for many years, but eventually I just gave up hope for it, as my mind was being ripped apart, my emotional and social maturity had been significantly retarded as a function of this and my isolation and it seemed apparent that nothing was really improving.
And then there we were, both crying over the same general thing, but from two completely different perspectives.
I found myself thinking once again, but this time in a rhetorical sense, rather than an angrily accusing one toward God,
"Why did she have to suffer like this? You knew that I would finally identify and understand the 'mystery of my life' in 2005, so why?? She doesn't deserve this."
It's just.........mind boggling.
But whereas formerly I would become very bitter and devastated, there existed a strange sort of placidity which I believe was derived from having finally achieved not long ago, full conviction and certitude of what and who I am and what I must do.
At this juncture, saying that, "I have no choice but to transition" seems so crudely generalized and obscenely simplistic....unrefined.
So we will eventually end, as a couple and it is painfully evident that neither have fully passed through our respective grieving.
