It's complicated, especially when the relationship is over 30 years old for us. She only likes guys, I only like girls I found during my previous 2 experiments at part time. Practically a match made in heaven. And so it has seemed for all these years.
A prolong 2 1/2 year separation, so I can remain gainfully employed as a guy, has brought all those old feelings bubbling up. Finding a support group out here in the wilderness was life changing. That soon led to a therapist at least familiar with gender issues. Most of the reason I was therapy a shot was for the depression, self esteem, etc. not the TG part, although I know being that has a lot to do with all the others. My totally shattered self esteem is being restored as I almost fully accept who I am inside, rather then trying hard to keep to her locked away, only occasionally allowed to come out when things got bad. Scarey amazing is how for the first time I feel completely comfortable and happy being Joanne.
While my wife remains supportive after me totally spilling my guts the other day, she is also scared about my safety, her future as well as ours. For each of us, the others happiness and safety matter most. I am freaking some over how yet again I demonstrated how horrible of a person I am. She wanted a "Hairy chested nut-scratcher" got me and my assurances, and now this comes up. Part of her freaking is from being far away, me dealing with feelings which are extremely familiar to her from eons ago. Between her health and the economy it might be a year before we can cohabitate without loosing our shorts.
If things were back to normal on the outside I suspect I can make things "normal" again on the inside for me. The extreme version came with my freaking out response to her little freaking out the night before. I had a great speech prepared in my head which included stopping the insanity and get back to taking charge of things including both our lives, the homes, etc. etc. To do all that it takes since having her in my life means more to me then being Joanne, maybe, someday, if even only part time. She wholeheartedly nixed that approach for me.
I know how tough dealing with this is for most spouses. Just ask my ex! You might think I get a free pass. Seems to me it is even worse in some ways for her.
I suspect I am in uncharted waters here.
