no idea were to start.

[Lilly19]

im in total information overload right now, confused, and dazed with all this. so lemme just start from the begging, i do hope this is the right place to post this. also, i apologize for my spelling and grammar its really bad X.X


were to start... im 19, living at home with my parents, jobless at the moment, really working on it though, im HOPING for one by the end of the month. my name is Micheal, tho i prefer you call me Lilly.

going back to when i was ten[ish] ive had sever stress depression and anxiety issues, ive been on medication for them and seeing a therapist, i have memory blocks from age 10 to 16, i really dont remember much of it. but what i do remember is almost constantly daydreaming, writing, and dreaming of being a girl, at the same time i was beating myself up for it, sometimes literary for wanting this, thinking of myself as the biggest freak in the world and thinking i was alone, because of this i did everything i possibly could to run away from it, joined wrestling and football all the "manly" things and sports, but the dreams and writings always came back, when i was in eighth grade i pretty much gave up and started hiding in my bedroom all day, skipping school and contemplaiting suicide. during this time i became rather fat, and even attempted suicide several times.

[sorry for giant paragraphs] it wasn't until last spring when i deiced to try one last time to be "normal" gave myself a deadline of the end of this year, and if i couldn't make it id off myself. i started loosing major weight with an friend of mine, 40 lbs to be exact ^^ in an effort to get into the army >.> god that's disgusting. 

and for a while this worked, but two weeks ago i learned that you can only bottle something up for so long, and i friggin exploded. almost literly, i hadn't been able to write anything since last summer, and writing is one of my bigest passions, and out of nowhere in one night i write forty eight pages of a gender-bender fanfic with myself as the main character. but when i stopped and looked at it all and thought of it i snaped. nearly sliced my throat, im surpised, and glad i didnt, as for the first time EVER ciding was a thought of happieness and release rather then something to be feared. i dont know what stoped me but i just went and hid in my computer for a while like i did all last year, and during this time i cam across an article on transgender people.

and the damn broke, i cried, happier then i ever had been in years, knowing i wasint alone, and that this is a normal thing with a label, my anxeity and depression almost disapeard overnight and ive been on a information binge ever sence. have i mentioned ive never been this happy in my life?

i know what i want and this to be a woman, and ive never wanted anything more in my life. but i am still so terribly confused on lost, with one question answerd five more appear ya know X.X i have a appt with my therepist next wens, which was originally to see about new meds for my, no longer an issue anxeity.  but im gonna talk about my.. gender dysporia? i belive its called now. and talk about getting a metting wit a gender therepist ^^ i am only just starting a very long journory, but i know this si what i was ment to do. and ive never been happier, i hope to be a great part of this wonderfull comunity and get to know you all. this is my story.


agian sorry for the typos, but the last half of that was rushed as i gotta be a shoufer for my dad, as i dont even have my drivers license yet>.< plan on getting that soon to ^^ tell me what you think, and ill answer questions as best i can. this is just me getting comfterble and puting myself out there to ^^

also, this is me ^^ this will be my, "before" pic when im all said n done. http://sadpanda.us/images/689535-D3S8YKZ.jpg

[Sage]

Hi, Lilly (funny, this is my girlfriend's name.  lol) and welcome to Susan's Place.    I'm Sage.

Wow, it seems like you've had quite a journey so far, and a long road ahead of you, most certainly.  Not unlike the rest of us.  Thanks so much for sharing your story with us; we're more than happy to have you here.

As for what you should do next, you seem to be on the right track, seeking out a gender therapist.    But don't be too hasty in putting yourself in a box or categorizing yourself; take some time and explore these feelings that are surfacing for you, and don't be afraid to explore what your gender means to you.  That's very important.

So, good luck, best wishes, and remember that you're never alone. 

[Lynn]

That post felt a lot like I was reading something someone wrote about my own life, it was a bit scary!

There sure is a lot of information on the subject isn't there ... but despite the overwhelming amount, you still made the right first steps. Yay!
If you have any questions, please ask away ... and those 5 new questions that come with that 1 question? Ask away as well! We'll give you so many answers that you'll not know what to do with 'em

I did have a chuckle when you made a typo in the same sentence where you were apologizing for typos though ^^

Also, you have a really cute nose.

[Lilly19]

gahh lynn you make me blush >.< hehe. and i rather think my nose is to big >.< but i have a really low self imaige so im now sure,

sage thank you for being so kind ^^ and yea ive come to the same conclusion, im in a "wait and see" mode right now. as its only been a few weeks since i discovered all of this. and while i think its the perfect thing for me, it may just be the euporic feeling of not being alone clouding that thought. so im waiting ^^

adele thanks to you to ^^ it feels a little odd knowing theres so many people that are so similar to me ^^ and i thank you to for your support, and as im in waiting mode i have more then enouge times to ask all the questions that come with answers ^^

and, to my typing skillz i know there horrible, and thats amplifyed by my nerves, but ill try and work on it >.<

[Lynn]

I'm sure you blushing was cute as well haha, so I'm glad I did that! :3

Don't worry too much about the typing though. Sure, some people seem to really care about that. But for me if I can understand what you're trying to communicate, it's all good! If you're really worried about it though, you can always use a spellchecker. Most browsers have it built-in and will underline a bad word in red. Makes it very easy to go back and fix your mistakes, especially when you type fast. I'd never have such good spelling without spellcheckers, as I hit keys in the wrong order literally all the time (doh) ...

My self image is shot to pieces as well right now, I can't look into the mirror without being disgusted with my body. But that's what I plan to change with my journey

[Lilly19]

awww >.< *hugs* im sure your beautiful lynn ^^ though, i feel kinna silly myself now x.X as i think in general im rather ugly.. i dont have a full body pic up yet as i usualy have to use my webcam but i think its frekaing horrid X.X im still so fat... or i think i am >.< im confused, people keep telling me im beautifull.. im shocked really

[Lynn]

I know what you mean. People always tell me I look good, but I can't help but question their sincerity because I just don't see it. I'm quite overweight (working on that) and well ... in the wrong body.
So no matter what people say about me, I'll never truly believe they mean it for as long as I look the way I do now. Unless they point out specific features about me and tell me why they like them. I can accept that kind of compliments a lot easier.

I'm sure you can perfectly relate to what I'm getting at.

*hugs back*

[Lilly19]

heh yea i relate perfectly ^^ and as for me loosing more weight im currently trying to quit smoking so i can pick up cardio agian ^^ need to run myself into the ground, if i do it right, i can be down to skinny in two mounths, maybe a lil less ^^

[Lilly19]

sorry for double posting but i gotta say, something right now thats furstraiting me is having to wait X.X wait wait wait. like i said i dont have a job nor car nor liscens, and the closest gender therapist is an hour away, so even once i tell my regular its gonna take a long time to see her >.< it just KILLS me im so helpless to it right now, cause i know i totaly cant tell me rents yet X.X

[Lynn]

sorry for double posting but i gotta say, something right now thats furstraiting me is having to wait X.X wait wait wait. like i said i dont have a job nor car nor liscens, and the closest gender therapist is an hour away, so even once i tell my regular its gonna take a long time to see her >.< it just KILLS me im so helpless to it right now, cause i know i totaly cant tell me rents yet X.X

I agree, it is pretty frustrating. My first appointment is set to be in THREE months! I was pretty upset about that at first, but then I realized it really doesn't matter that much.
It gives me time to work on things I want to get done before I start transitioning, mainly losing weight. Now I'm sure it won't take three months to lose all the weight I'd need to lose,  but being settled in a new healthy lifestyle will surely help with staying sane throughout the whole process.

As soon as I've lost enough weight, I will go on a shopping spree and will completely replace my current wardrobe with androgynous clothing, so I can start blurring the lines slowly (will make it less of a shock for other people I believe).

And I'm also considering maybe starting on getting my beard permanently removed, as I know it's a long process. I'm just not quite sure if I want to start that right away, or if I'm gonna wait until that first therapy session is over ...

These are just some things I'm doing (or considering to) while I wait. Maybe they inspire you to come up with things you can do while waiting as well.

[Lilly19]

heh yea ^^ i know it dont matter to, but that doesint mean it dont drive me crazy lol. and question, i never heard the word androgynous yet. may i ask what you mean by it?

[Lynn]

I don't think I'd do a very good job at describing it myself, but this is what wikipedia has on it:

For humans, an androgyne (pronounced /ˈændrədʒaɪn/ an-drə-jyn) in terms of gender identity, is a person who does not fit cleanly into the typical masculine and feminine gender roles of their society. They may also use the term ambigender to describe themselves. Many androgynes identify as being mentally "between" woman and man, or as entirely genderless. They may identify as non-gendered, genderneutral, agendered, between genders, multigendered, intergendered, pangender or gender fluid|genderballers.[citation needed]

So as far as me going for androgynous clothing, I mean I'm going to buy clothing that will make me less masculine, but still be able to pass easily as a man without weird looks so that I can maintain a job and whatnot without discrimination.

[Lilly19]

ahh i see ^^ thank you.

[britt27]

Lily,
  You  most certainly are not alone.  I had never (or maybe in the years since I have forgotten) contemplated suicide as much as you (I did though), but I think that was more because I was a coward.  I foolishly in my teens turned to chat rooms on AOL (an old internet provider lol) and allowed myself to be flattered by older men who were into transgendered, because they were the only ones who I ever found at the time who treated me as a woman.  This means that I learned a bit earlier than you about the fact that these feelings I had exsisted in other people for there to be men attracted and interested in them, unfortunatley it also means that I began to associate my genuine feelings about my gender with sex in general (because thats what these men were interested in and one of the few only things they talked about, which is funny because I'm not into men).

Anyway, I am very happy that your first realization that there is something very real and something that happends to many others came in legitimate research into your issue, and I hope that you continue to find answers.  The next best step is most likely finding a gender therapist as you said you wanted, something I currently am trying to do.

You said you were trying to join the army.  I currently am serving in the military myself at the moment.  I will say this: DO NOT join if your only reason is to feel more masculine and normal.  The military is a huge committment and unlike anything you have experienced in the civilian world.  However, if you think you need some time before you transition and perhaps an education and the ability to begin building up financially that will make your transition more do-able, it is an option.  Or you could be like me and use the military as a way to build up the confindence in yourself to finally except who you are and face the challenges ahead, because if there is one thing serving in the military does, its building up your own self confidence.

Either way best wishes to you, this is a great site for support and a great community and I think you will find that Susans can be the first but hopefully not last place where you can truly be yourself.  Hope to see you around!