No idea where to start

[a.n.pesch]

Recently I've been trying to come out as a lesbian girl to family/friends, but it doesn't feel right. I don't feel like a gay girl; I feel like a straight guy.

I'm afraid to talk to anybody close to me about it, because I'm terrified of their reaction. I told one close friend, and she was... less than impressed with me? And now I'm deathly afraid to talk to anyone else.

My biggest fear is that (as my friend claims) this is some phase I'm going through that I'm blowing far out of proportion, but I don't think it is. I feel like I should talk to a professional or something, but that would require telling my parents, and even if I did, they don't have the money to be getting me a therapist. So that seems pointless.

I hope this is appropriate to post here. I'm really very nervous about talking about this at all. I'd just appreciate some advice. How do I proceed? I don't know if it's healthy to just sit on this for a while and see if it goes away.

[Silas]

If you don't want to come out yet, don't. And if coming out as a lesbian girl feels wrong, then don't do that. I can't say you'll get better reactions. It all depends on your family. But don't come out until you're completely confident in yourself.

Really, the best thing to do might be to explore your identity as a guy. Try binding/packing, guys' clothes (not necessarily masculine -- I went through an overly masculine phase at the beginning of coming out, but my tastes lie more in the effeminate). Maybe a guy's haircut. If you've come out as gay to some, then it won't seem all that odd. Just say you're trying something new if anyone asks and you don't want to say.

I'm just assuming you haven't done anything at all image-wise. While there's nothing wrong with wearing girls' clothes, having "long hair" (again, I'm just assuming, and it seems common), etc. as a guy, it seems like most people find testing the waters easier if other people see them as how they feel.

[a.n.pesch]

Thanks a lot; I really appreciate the response.

I've actually had very short haircuts consistently for a while now; in fact, I'm getting a legit boy's cut this Monday (purely coincidental, not that I'm not ecstatic about it). Whenever /I/ look in the mirror, I already see what should very clearly be a young man. I'm trying to preen my wardrobe into something more androgynous, too (not outright masculine; my parents would get suspicious. Also, I really like looking like a sharply-dressed pretty boy.).

I have one friend who, when I came out as gay to her, was practically ecstatic at the news. I thought it might be a good idea to tell her that I'm questioning my gender identity, and maybe ask her to refer to me using a male name/pronouns when we're in private. Just to see how it feels, maybe?

[Silas]

That's handy, then. You sound like you have most of that under control, then -- and moving to a more androgynous wardrobe is probably smarter than jumping to all-out masculine (which some don't even enjoy -- I don't know your tastes).

Ecstatic? Seems odd, but some friends are fantastically odd like that. (My first thought would be either she's happy to have a gay friend or would like to date you, but I jump to weird conclusions.) You might could try and come out as trans to her, or confide in her. Having a feel for it could help immensely~

[insideontheoutside]

Take things slowly. It's very natural to want answers "right now!" or to rush things, especially when you're younger. But it's not a race to the finish line. Most people didn't just all of a sudden one day decide they are trans - it's more of a gradual process that happens where you think about your past and situations and how you've felt at different times in your life and how you feel about different things. There's a lot that goes into it in other words.

And I agree that it's nice you've got one person in your life you can sort of talk to about it. That helps.

[a.n.pesch]

BAHA, I think she was just happy to have a gay friend. I'm certain her reaction would be similar if I came out as trans to her. (Then again, I thought the same about the one friend I did tell -__-)

And I think it's official, now, that I'll talk to her about it. That seems like a good way to proceed; I've been doing a lot of reflecting for a while now.

Thanks again for listening to my rambling, by the way.

(Also, random, but it's appropriate to consider all the posters on this forum men, right? is it naive to think that I'm seen as just another guy on the forum, too? I just got really excited. Again, rambling. Really sorry. It's just nice to say what I'm thinking.)

[xAndrewx]

I don't really have anything to add to what they said but

Welcome to the forum man 

There's an introduction section in another spot in the forum that you might want to post in later on. To answer your question we get MTF's, Androgynous people, and genderqueer people who answer sometimes in this section. If you identify as male though, then yes you're just another guy around here You might decide later on to wander into the different sections such as the MTF section or the andro section which is pretty cool because everyone around here has something to say and sometimes it can be very helpful even if it specifically posted for the guys, ya know? See ya around the forum.

[JohnAlex]

Yeah, keep doing what you're doing.  Keep pushing yourself to test this out, wear male clothes, try out male pronouns.  You will know for sure in time.

Are you sure you don't have insurance that can cover therapy?  You don't have to tell them that it's for trans issues.  maybe come out to them as a lesbian and tell them it's for that?  Or maybe tell them that you feel confused about your gender and you want to work it out. 
Or you can tell them that you're depressed, or if anything ever happened to you in your past which you could claim still bothers you. 
I think you can make something up, lol.


Or, if nothing else, start talking to your school counselor.

[a.n.pesch]

Thank you all so much. This is seriously, disgustingly cool.

I'll definitely make a point to look at the rest of the forum in more detail. This is a really great site. And a great group, if this is any indication.

As for therapy, I might just start off talking to a teacher I trust, then work my way up to talking to my parents about professional therapy.

Finding this site really just made my day, though. My outlook just got a thousand times brighter. 

[Felix]

This site has helped me immensely too.

I don't want to pry about money (or anything else), but if you're under 18, and living in the US, you will qualify for Healthy Kids coverage if not Medicaid. And mental health treatment is often available for free at community clinics, if you wanted to try that out without telling your parents. I would do whatever it takes to get counseling at some point.

[Peppy]

Hi. I'm new here too! And I have a very similar situation. I've been wearing more androgynous clothing and it's made me feel a lot more confident in myself. I'm also looking to hopefully find some sort of therapy or help. I know when there's something that's bothering me, I need to really talk about it with someone to help me organize my thoughts, so it's great that you have someone you can talk with. :-) I hope you can figure things out because I know how hard it is to feel how you feel (Because I'm feeling it too...) I look forward to seeing you around the site! (This place is just so awesome, isn't it?)

[Lee]

I definitely agree that talking to a professional would be the best route.  If money is an issue and you are uninsured, then a school counselor should be able to at least act as someone to vent to and bounce ideas off of.  They could also help you try out male names and pronouns if you want to see how that feels before asking friends and family. 

It would probably be worthwhile to see if there's an LGBT clinic or center near you.  They might offer cheap counseling with people who have more experience with gender identity issues.  They also would probably have an LGBT youth group, which might be helpful.

Good luck man.  Here's hoping we can help some. 

[JohnAlex]

You could also probably ask your school counselor about resources in your area, such as LGBT clinics or any options you might have to see a therapist.

[a.n.pesch]

I am under 18, so that's some really helpful information. I'm looking into all of these counseling/youth group possibilities.

KayKen: Nice to meet you! Looks like we're in the same boat, ha~ Best of luck to you! I'm sure we'll see more of each other around the site.