Does being trans make me feel like I'm 'unworthy' of being loved? Yes, constantly.
Quote from: GentlemanRDP on October 15, 2011, 03:23:17 PM
But I really do want someone there that I can really get to know. I don't know what it's like to want to be with someone twenty-four seven, I don't know what it's like to really trust someone, or get to the point where you know that the other is thinking. I want that type of closeness, and I'd do anything to get it. I get jealous of my friends who are dating, because I worry that I'll never even get that chance. And I don't want to die alone. Sure, I don't want to get married, or have kids, but I don't want to miss out on everything in between.
That pretty much sums up how I am. I'm the kind of person who will come off colder than ice and twice as frigid until I've decided that I like you, but I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I want to hold another man close to me, to give him a wonderful evening of classical music, red roses, and exquisite food, to give him poetry I've written, to cuddle for no reason.
I feel like being trans has caused me to miss out on experimenting during my teen years, like it's caused me to grow up too fast and not be able to linger in carefree existence. I feel like I could have a mid-life crisis right here and now, though I'm not yet out of high school.
I don't think I could say that I'd give up being trans in order to have romance and love, but that's because I had even more of a lack of love before starting transition. I didn't even love myself at all. I still don't love myself, not really, but at least I've accepted myself and I suppose that requires some modicum of love.
The main part of me that I think prevents me from having romantic relationships is not that I'm trans, but that I identify as a gay man who is attracted to other gay man, but even though I'd be willing to have sex with a partner (with a man as a man), I'm really not that interested in sex. I want a romantic relationship that is monogamous and long-term. I'd be willing to do physical things to make my partner happy, but I wouldn't seek those things out. Between that and the not-so-typical mindset/views/beliefs I have make me the kind of person that most people aren't interested in, or, if they are, then they are interested in me only as one is interested in hearing a particularly intriguing philosophical debate.
Honestly, being trans makes me feel like I can only ever have a possibility of love if the lover in question is bi. I know that's not really true, but that's how I feel. I do go to a support group, but it's LGBTQ and I would feel awkward talking about that sort of thing. There is a trans-support group in my area, but the people who go are older than me, many by several decades, and I'm not overly fond of the man who runs that group.
Don't feel bad about being a virgin. Though I may not be as old as you, I've never been on a date or had a legitimate kiss. I say legitimate because when I was in first grade, a boy and I would kiss each other on the cheek as a greeting.
Oh, well. Everything changes over time. Things go in cycles and the opposites ebb and flow. Eventually I will feel the opposite of now, I'm sure.
