Invisibility of Partners of FTMS

[helios502]

Hi all--this is a question directed mostly at queer partners of FTMS, or some version thereof. As your partner has transitioned, have you felt "invisible" as a queer person (or lesbian, dyke, etc) along the way? For example I remember the first time I had to say 'my partner...HE' in a conversation and how weird that felt (after 25 years as a lesbian). I am just curious if others have felt this, and what you do about it. Thx, Helios

[Robert Scott]

Wish my wife was on this board .... she could totally relate.  It's one of the hardest thing she is dealing with as I am transitioning

[cynthialee]

I am in a wierd situation. My spouse and I are both trans. We started as a couple both pretransition. Then I started transition.
We went from a 'straight' couple, to a lesbian couple, eventually as Sevan slowly becomes more and more masculine we will look like a straight couple again...except to those people who I do not pass with...then to them we will look like a gay male couple.

It really messed with my head at first when I saw all these differant possible ways folks see us or can see us and how it impacts my identity, bisexual female with a strong preferance for females, but I have had a taste hetero privilage from my 'male' days and I am really not likeing loosing it.
But it all boils down to...I love my spouse in the long run. How others see me and my spouse will not change one witt how I feel about my spouse.
At the end of the day it always boils down to a kiss good night and an I love you hunny...
So nothing has really changed in the long run has it?

[Sage]

If I may add my story here...

...it's been difficult for me sometimes, being a lesbian in a relationship with a pre-operative MtF.  (I'm androgyn yet identify as lesbian; figure that one out, people! lol!)  It took me awhile, but I enjoy being physically intimate with her, even though she has different equipment from what I'd prefer, simply because I love her. 

I don't feel that she hinders or compromises my identity as a lesbian because she's still technically a man. (she is not fully out to everyone, and therefore appears as male 95% of the time.)  My identity is inside of me, and doesn't have anything to do with anyone else but me.  As far as the world is concerned, here's my response: Yes, I'm a butch lesbian and I'm kissing this guy.  So what?  She's a woman on the inside, and that's who I fell in love with.  She's my girl no matter what's in her pants; that's MY business, not yours.  lmfao

But Mrs. Cynthialee is right, at the end of the day it all boils down to "No matter what, I love her/him/hir.  And I know he/she/zie loves me, too."

[Katie138]

Hi, it was incredibly weird for me to start saying "he, my boyfriend, his" etc, when we first started dating, but it did get easier. Because of the love between us, I'm happy to now identify as a queer, instead of a lesbian. I must say, sometimes in my mind I do slip up. And it was quite difficult explaining to my family that I now identify differently. What I'm trying to say is, even though it was hard and incredibly self challenging, after you accept and get through it, it really is self-sailing from there-on. If you love and understand your partner's decision, and they also respect were you're coming from, then with a little work, love and understanding, everything will be okay in the end. And if it's not okay..it's not the end.