Hello there everyone,
My name is Urse and I am going to be 22 in May. I came here because over the past couple of weeks I found myself pondering the ideas of gender and what role I had in society, since I never really felt like a girl except when I was in 3rd grade. As I grew older I found myself questioning my sexuality and came to the conclusion that I wasn't a lesbian. In Junior High School I was frequently called a lesbian and some people would even call me gay, even though genetically it was impossible for me to be gay. I remember feeling the most hurt from those times and another time, in which I was going to a Private School and hadn't been able to get the female uniform, so on one particular day. I dressed like the guys and immediately I was called a lesbian by the men there. When I did get my female uniform, I felt shunned by the girls at my school. I am not sure if this effected me in someway or not, but I remember a time where I once saw my cousin and myself in a picture. Immediately I thought of myself as looking like an unattractive man, but not a beautiful woman.
My curiosity peeked much later when my Mother called me 'a beautiful woman' on several occasions this past month, the only thing I could think of was that I was a beautiful man but not a woman. This raised more questions for me and I began questioning whether or not I was trans. I knew I didn't want to change my biology, but at the same time in dresses and skirts I felt like an man. I started to think that it would be easier to live in the world as a man. But my hobbies and interests also made me question if I could do that. I love cooking, drawing, painting, planting, talking to birds, butterfly watching even. All these interests people would call feminine but I don't enjoy many of the hobbies that women are usually associated with such as gossip, shopping, hanging out with their girl friends, slumber parties etc... These questions led me more and more to ponder where my place in society was and through searching I began to research about androgyny and I was led here.
Biologically I don't want to change myself, but mentally I feel out of synch and yet not completely. I thought that maybe I was just a normal woman who had issues with my appearance. Yet the idea of living like a woman no longer appeals to me, it feels as though I would be be lying to myself if I became the stereotypical woman. Especially since I feel as though I've tried all my life to fit the ideal image of a woman. I want to make peace with myself and all these feelings I have accumulated over the years, and tell myself that these emotions are normal, but I don't know if they are or where to go to talk about these feelings. Especially since, in someway and I don't want to offend anyone, but I feel ashamed of being neither male or female, but at the same time. I feel as though by accepting this part of me, I won't be ashamed of being something that is normal. So I am here and hope to learn a great deal from my elders. I hope you do not mind that I call those of you here 'elders' It is out of respect, though perhaps the term 'teachers' sounds more appealing. In conclusion, I am still very new to all of this and want to learn more. So for those of you who read this, thank you. :3
