I never did the intro thing, but I put this out on the mtf side before denial was shattered and I accepted my full non binary identity:
If you were DES exposed, what did it do to you? This is what happened to me.
I got creamed by this drug, used to treat miscarriages in massive doses. As known publicly here I believe it changed my endo and my central nervous system to fully female. Without the DES debate and medical stuff, what is your trans experience? Not pinning it back to DES, but what do you feel?
No what does DES do here please or medical stuff. We have that other places here on Susans. Just --what is your trans experience?
Heres mine:
Born effeminate. Earliest id with female physical feelings - still in a crib looking up. Thank you therapy for unlocking that one. Vague though.
Early- female bone structure, could do nothing with a ball, withdrawn, isolated. Totally inadequate as a boy. Extremely effeminate.
Mid school- hell on earth. Could not tell externally if boy or girl. Saw girl in the mirror not a guy. Extreme abuse by peers. More withdrawn. Decided to create a male coping personality to prove it untrue. And every day for 5-6 years every time I walked into a room they called me a fa--ot. . Fractured my mind a bit, but I became very tough. And bitter.
Intensely attracted to girls.
Minor crossdressing begins. Realized body had female sex needs.
Went out for wrestling and became a terror on the mats in high school. Name calling stopped. Team would have torn them to peices.
Started drinking, lost virginity to blond bombshell and intended to marry her. Fetishistic and female sex drive still large.
Went down the tubes on booze. Lost the blond.
Gays went after me, started to crossdress under clothes at gay bars, would screw anyone that moved if I was drunk. Discovered pot and amyl nitrate and got hooked on both.
Moved to NYC and it got worse.
Got sober and figured out emotional attractions were to women and physical was wired female. Started purging.
Showed up at an AA meeting in a dress. They told me I needed a better wig and didn't even blink. No more excuses for drinking.
Purged and got married to a real beauty. Will do anything to keep her.
Purged 50 times. Female side got stronger, fetishistic side got stronger. Still see a girl in the mirror, hate my face because I always see her. Still into male things to escape pain, racing car amatuer or kart professionally, blow them up movies, anything to get out.
Got BPS at 55, found out what finesteride was, secretly found out about Susan's. Cracked and tried to physician steer into hormones after researching who was trans friendly. Told my best friend and kids. Best friend did not reject so I survived.
Still no desire to present female outside the house.
Endo sends me to therapy. Discovery begins.
Misidentified as characteristic of many auto G things and outside of Benjamin standards. No FTE.
Gets hormone letter, clearly needed.
Remaining fetishist and other stuff becomes different, healthy, less intense. Mirror stuff stops cold. Continue to strip away to find a female physical center and a non male non female psychological center that morphs depending on how I am dressed and who I am with. No act either, the three presentations are totally genuine. One to survive, one to adapt and maintain family relationships, and one to be real.
No labels fit. Its not about the clothes. Its self perception and physical wiring.
Big risk to take here on Susans, to bare all. I am so desperate to be accepted and finally not alone that I would do anything to be who you all want me to be. Just like I did in 6th grade, forming a personality to be accepted.
I'm not going to do that. I am stronger than that I am a transwoman, just with added features mentally.
My dysphoria concerning my body and feelings is acute. But I can handle the male disguise with total ease. But not below the neck, the presentation line. That I need totally female. The male disguise is to keep the assho.. s from doing that fa..et thing again, I would absolutely see red and tear them to peices if that word is ever used on me again. No muscle strength anymore or not.
Did I mention in addition to severe alcoholism the anxiety and intense driven thing - largely removed by HRT?
The wiring, having estrogen receptors in my brain (I am told most men do not have them or get sick on estrogen), the attraction to my own body, the dual sexual orientation - one is repressed I am married and faithful but I wish my wife would ravage me - the bone structure, the node on my left testicle, the preop status and ok with that, all are DES traits. So is indentifying as a third sex, neither fully male nor fully female psychologically, rather some kind of blending.
And I am a she not a he -physically, and all the time. Psychologically - depends on the environment. DES makes me feel like I dont fully fit, even in here, because I am not even normal for a TS. And I am TS not CD. No judgment there, but I don't seem to have those characteristics.
There are others here on the board like me. Anyone want to let it out? We can cry together later, because this thing hurts. It started as an involuntary womb conversion and became ... me.
But if asked I am a transwoman, and I know darn well this could be progressive, and it scares the living crap out of me.
I hope I don't regret posting this, but I believe in having the guts to be real. I hope I didn't just alienate everyone I hold so dear in here. It would utterly crush me, but I have to know, am I the only one like this? I know of one other....
_____________
Present day jump ahead -
That was about 2 months ago, just before 2 mental breakdowns that all of you and especially Aisla, Miss Julie, Patty and many others pulled me through to the other side, finding out the cliff was a jump into the real. The edge. My edge is self acceptance and the end of self delusion or deception. I also no longer fear progression.
I no longer self identify as a transwoman, because I don't fit the labels. However I am physically an mtf no op female. And the rest is all over the posts and all over Susans, including the joy of finally accepting who I am, of finding the core, and of celebrating it. There are no mistakes and the DES thing and who I am is no accident.
But for those of us who do not go to the mtf section, this is a part of my story. And welcome to all the newbies.
And in this section, not only do I fit in and am not alone, I am with my family.
Love to all here.
